Help?

Dear Diary,

I wrote B an email today. We do all this phone talk and I personally carry things with me all day and we used to write letters, but that his stopped with him not online in his room. But he does check the house computer. So I wrote today, and he wrote me back…

My Letter…

“Have just had last nights discussion on my mind. Where we discussed time together.

At this point. I personally feel I have been given Excuses from you. I heard several last night, Ones Ive heard since the beginning, it was as if each one was resurfaced and tried again on me as a reason as to why we arent together more. And then your diversionary humor thrown all throughout to not really get serious about the discussion I was wanting to have.

I will tell you right now. I personally dont understand why this is such a hard thing for you. I cant even begin to understand unless you really share with me what is going on. Ive heard each reason from you “Catch 22, Lack of funds, Lack of time, bad schedules, lack of communication, I dont ask you so you assume I dont want to see you, etc etc”

And I personally feel Im willing to work through every explanation you have given me as a reason why. I offer alternatives, Im willing to look for solutions. I know that we talk in great detail, but the part that is lacking is some resolution to this. We just talked about it, but we didnt say “How can we change this?” I feel its me asking that, and you just saying “I dont know” and then we are left with things just sitting but not having made progress. So it leads me to believe you dont agree with me and want the same thing I do, do you understand?

I was talking to a girlfriend online and she said something that she read in a book that said ” There’s two types of people. Ones that want to get close and intimate and keep growing closer to you and ones that always keep their distance. I dunno if they are incapable of getting more intimate or if they just don’t want to. ”

I feel like that. I feel as if Im trying to move closer, more intimate, the natural progression of a relationship. And I feel kept at bay.

So can you please tell me what is going on inside of you? I feel as if we have this close friendship. But I dont truly feel like a “partner?” sharing her life with a man. Because our lives are so independent from one another. And I dont even want to hear you say “Oh you just want to be all needy and clingy and be together all the time” Thats not what Im saying. There are extremes to each end. Im looking for a middle ground.

Is this too much work for you? Too much effort? Is this what you want? Do we just want different things out of life that wont blend?

I mean think about it. My life is full of things. I work full time M-Fri. I raise 2 small children, I maintain a house, a vehicle, I attend counseling and dealing with bullshit and legal matters with an idiot ex. If anyone had excuses for not being together, HELL I SHOULD! But when you find a person you love and want to be with, you want them to be around for all those parts of your life. You want to share it with them. At least thats the kind of relationship Im looking for. Im willing to give that to a person. But Im also looking for the same reciprocation. A person who misses me just as much as I do them and cant wait to see me and figure out how to do so.

So please respond,

Victoria

His Letter…

“First let me say I do love you. I know this like I

know anything, like that night is dark and the earth

is hard. sometimes I just have a hard time showing it

or am blinded by internal conflict.

… my problems….

ah where to begin.

I do make alot of excuses. Im not 100% sure why but I

know i do. At the same time I know that i am kind of

whimsical and given to flights of fancy. I have always

been this way.

I dont want to get all into this but I have just come

to a point where I am stuck. I dont really know what

to do and its like I feel this conflict in life.

Somehow I have to figure out how to balance everything

and at times I barely have the energy to just do

anything.Its like on one hand… I have my job, its

the first job i have had in a long time that I really

think I can do well at, and actually get somewhere

in.It almost feels like home.I cant fuck it up. It

feels like everything else is hinging on this, and in

some ways they are. I have to get money, I have to be

stable again. I have been an unemployed broke ass for

like the past 3 years. You have no idea how horrible

that feels… it wears at your self esteem. Hey look

Im a man im all strong nad a provider..cept one

thing.. I have no job…I have no money. Lots of

time… filled with depression over being a worthless

piece of crap.Barely able to scrape rent by not eating

all the time so i can pay bills. It sucks ya know. And

I would try and get work but its been a lean market.

And jobs I have gotten I knew I was better than( not

being ego centric just honest). I know work is work

and such but that only goes so far to a point at which

it becomes kind of insulting… gee look Im bright and

such and wasting my life in some dead end job making

nothing… so here i have a decent job. Im making good

money. I can afford to get my shit toether. Its just

going to take some time. I have debts i have to get

out of. I dislike having debt and the inability to

settle my debts for so long got old a long time

ago.Its like this drive to improve , me. the one

person I have neglected for so long. Im the stupid

jackass who would sacrifice myself for anyone else at

the drop of a hat. im kind of done with that right

now. Its like I have to take care of my basic needs. I

need some sense of security, one that I have not had.

As sad as it is to say it begins with a certain degree

of financial and matierial safety. I have not had

this yet. For christ sake as soon as I got my car

running it burst into flames. It has just been today

that I have recovered from that, and Im still sketchy

about it to be honest.My life has been utter chaos.

And I have tried to clean up the after math.

So there is this conflict in my head about you

telling me I nned to get my self together and such,

and its like I feel Im doing that. Yet now that Im

doing that its not good enough.Its like I have never

come to you in our relationship from a point of

stability, and thats what I am trying to achieve. I

have intentions of being dogmatic about it becaue it

is the one thing that I always give in on so easily.

Just throwing my best interest out, for whatever

reason, to pleasse someone else. MAybe this doesnt

make any sense, but I cant sacrifice that. The only

way that i can give you the things you need from me is

to create a stable base for me to come to you from.

Does that make sense? Or does this sound like yet

another excuse to you?

I do love you. I want to be with you. I am sure we

can find a happy middle ground. It will just take a

little time, tweaking and some patience.

My mind is kinda wandering off. Im starving so im

going to go and cook. Its been a long day for me and

not a good one sorry to say( well sides feeling

happier that my car isnt running like total shit and

swallowing gas n stuff).

loves ya lots n lots n lots.

_ P.S. I found out I have to work the friday after

Thanksgiving.. Work no givvy givvy holidays to

the temps…but they might give the full timers the

day paid off if we hit our sales goal for the month.

So if they do thier has to be a skeleton crew friday,

so ‘Ol B gets to take one for the team… shitty

eh?We will just have to work around it. =0)

k im off to eat. calls me later

Ok so, I understand what he is saying. I do. I agree with it also.

But where does it leave me? I hang out until he reaches his place of stability? Im starving for closeness. Im starving for his companionship. I am not trying to sound shallow, but after so much lack of being around a person, you soon thinking of finding your needs met elsewhere. I mean cause how long will this take?

Or how can a person cope in the meantime? I do love B. He has said at times “Dont you have faith in me?” I dont like that question to be honest. A person can only gauge things from past history and what they know of a person. I know anything is possible for anyone, and yes with B I have my doubts. Im more in a Observing place with him, seeing if he will do what it takes to pull himself out.

So I understand his need. I agree with it. But really where does it leave me as far as a relationship with him? He is needing to get himself stable so he can be stable for me. But how long will that take? And then there are my needs also, so where do my needs fit into the equation?