He Requires Mucho Effort

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I had a dream last night. It was a blend of Fear Factor and B. I was having to do these stunts at the beginning like running across these rooftops and things super fast.

Then I was a place where B was supposedly living with lots of roomates. And his old roomie/girlfriend lived there. He used to live with her for real when we first met and I got to know her, but her appearance was different in my dream.

In real life when I began to date B and came over for their party at the apt she told B she really like me. But then she said to him “Your not romantic and why till she finds out what an a#&hole you are”

So in the dream last night I was arguing with B in his room. I didnt like the way he was talking to me and telling him so. It seemed I was getting very angry and pointing at him and poking at him. He was getting very angry and I was almost ready to smack him in the face in the dream and then I yelled something and walked out of his room. I called him a dick. The roomate said from her “Allright about time!” And I ended up going in her room, sitting and talking with her for quite awhile, then all these guys came in, B came in and started teasing her about her clothes and she was getting pissed. And next thing you know B is holding me?

Ah boy!

A mixture of watching Fear Factor last night, going to Domestic Violence support groups, and having a talk on the phone with B last night just threw me into a mixture of things that went into my dreams.

B called me last night, we talked for a good while. And once again discussed the relationship and spending time together. He had said he can get away on a weekend but since I dont tell him I want to do something he cant give notice??????????????????

I first off said “THink about the things we have done, like going out for a day or overnight. I iniate them. I think up the ideas. I ASK YOU. I am met with “I dont know, I might have to work, I cant really say yet” Or he expresses interest then right before doesnt? I told him “Listen you have been aware I have every other weekend free now. And I still spend them alone” He tried giving me all his excuses used since Ive met him. And I told him.

He then used the “Im stuck in a catch 22” When I make money and work I dont have time for you, when Im broke I have time but cant afford to see you.

I said “What does that have to do with it? You just told me if I want to do something on a weekend you can, but you have to be told and give notice” So is that not true? Then he goes on to say “Well this is the busy season so its not always true”?????????????

I said “B how do I work with this? Your not even able to give me a straightforward answer”

I said “Basically its you cant plan anything really because you are so busy working and you never really know if you are able to get away on a weekend so when you can its at your convience and you will let me know, so how on earth can I even try to plan something with you? Look at what happened trying to plan the Anaheim convention trip or Vegas with you? You gave me grief all along the way with both”

Honestly to me all he had was excuses last night. I said “B what is the problem here? If we cant talk about it how can we change this? Or do you want it to stay this way, does it bother you?” He said it did.

I told him “And why do I have to make time for us? Why do I have to be the one to ask you or plan where we go and what we do? I need this from you also. I need YOU to do this.” He assumes since I dont ask him to do anything I dont want to see him on my free weekends. I told him “Listen Its a given I normally want to see you, I get so hurt and upset because it seems if I DONT ask you to do anything you just dont make any effort to even try. So if I dont come down on my free weekend well I wont see you.”

Ugh this is frustrating

We then spoke about thanksgiving. He said “Well you want to do something and what? We will have time then” I said “B you told me you had something planned, you told me not to ask you about it, you told me you wont tell me anything, so how on earth can I try and plan something when you already told me this? I need some kind of reference B? Is this something the whole 4 days? A few of them? Thanksgiving or after? I need to know”

We discussed ideas of Thanksgiving. But nothing in stone. We discussed going to my sisters where my Parents and 2 siblings will be. My sis said if we wanted to sleep over there on the weekend and go do things that was fine. B’s family lives close to my sister and he said “Well then we can swing by my families place then and then go see yours” I said Ok. Then we both kind of had these talks, like we are both so concerned about how our families will respond, and worried about each partner being comfortable there.

B said ” There will be gutter sniping from them. They will start to criticize me and the children I know will come up” I said “B you know I love you, and you know I dont agree that is ok, and I agree you dont have to put yourself through that” I said “Well what do you do when they start that” He said “I usually arrive just as they eat, then leave once Im done. Other then that I dont really associate with them” I said “Well then why go?” He said “I dont know, Im just talking out my ass”

So wasnt sure what he was trying to say? Im aware his family is abusive. Reveals much of the way he is. But Im also proud that he doesnt put up with it or go there if that is what they do to him. Just as I am learning to set boundaries. I can see the areas B is not always standing up for himself. He uses avoidance with them. Instead of just calling them on the behavior and saying “If you talk about me like this, I will leave” I mean he does the best he can and Im so proud of him for knowing to leave. As strong as he may appear. When we went out with his sister, she did rag on him, I think its typical sibling talk some of it. But I told B it wont change how I feel about you. I can see what they are doing. His sister liked throwing some jabs at him, but then he got trying to defend himself. But then once it was over it wasnt so bad he said. He said he actually had a good time. But I stood up for B. She even asked me his sister things like “Oh isnt he weird???!!” Like referring to his tatts and piercings. Im like “No?” so she couldnt get me to engage in her jabs at him. I was on his team. 🙂

So I still dont know to be honest whats going to happen.

I dont think last night much was accomplished actually, a lot of talk happened but no final resolution to how we handle these matters.

I guess last night and today as I write this its like in my head Im saying “Well since you arent able to commit to time together or have any kind of gauge when this will change, then maybe its best we take a break. And when things are different come talk to me.” I mean cause basically hes not offering anything as far as change and Ive been through this over and over with him.

We discussed San Diego. He said “Do you want to go?” I said yes. We will both have 4 free days with Thanksgiving. I told him “Listen I know what to do, where to go and where to go to eat so you dont even have to figure any of that out. We dont have to sit in the car and go “Where do you want to eat? Oh I dunno where do you….. ” crap that I hate.

I also addressed that last night. How thats an issue. I said we needed to get that stuff figured out. That he has such a hard time planning or deciding things to do, and then he puts it on me to decide it, then when I dont know its as if hes getting ticked off at me. He said “Ok from now on my default answer is gonna be “Im taking you to Taco Bell!” Im like “Ewww no I want a burger I dont care for Taco Bell” Hes all “Exactly! That way you will be forced to decide somewhere else” I told him he was mean. He was laughing a lot. I have noticed hes always giving these smart joking type answers and starts to laugh. Like he just cant stop and be serious about it.

Sigh…. Oh Vicky youve got a man who requires so much work and effort. Are you willing to go there?