Closure?

Dear Diary,

Its Sunday Morning.

Well whats been going on? Well Friday came home from work, talked with Mom a bit before she left, and then cleaned the house up before my girlfriend arrived.

She has 4 kids. Ages 8, 5, 3 and 1. She used to live here in town and I was babysitting her oldest(she didnt have any other kids then) while she was going to school and working, her husband was also doing both. We were all friends, my ex and her and her hubby. Nice couple. They then moved to San Diego. My Ex and I went and stayed with them once. Had such a nice time. Then just didnt see one another for years. But sent Christmas cards or an email here and there. She and I just started talking more last year over the phone. And she came out last May and visited me and the kids.

Well she is a sweetheart. I love her. She gave me money and wouldnt let me refuse. I started to cry. She told me to buy the kids christmas gifts with it. Im not sure if I posted but I dont get to set the amount for the earned income credit. Secretary called me up front friday and I found out I get $44.00. Thats it in my next 3 paychecks. :::Sigh:: Better then nothing right? Just not at all what I was expecting nor will that make too big a dent. Its the holiday season it would have been nice to have had more now. But when tax time comes I will get the big LUMP so Ill make it until then.

She talked about her husband, he was on Paxil for the past 3 yrs and has weaned himself off it. So they are seeing how he will do. She also got her tubes tied because he wanted to just keep having kids. She is still homeschooling, but doesnt let her kids play with neighborhood kids. She has one son, hes the 5 yr old and all the rest are girls. So he has been talking about my house ever since they left last MAY! She even called me yesterday morning(they were here fri) with her son in the background begging to come over to play. He is so starved for little boys to play with. I guess in some ways I was sad for them, seeing they are living in the whole christian bubble thing. I was the same way. But no more. Each parent has their own opinion about it all, but for a little boy to be remembering and begging to play with 2 little boys he saw once over a year ago, Well that tells you how much exposure he has. 🙁

They are thinking of moving out of state. She said things are better between them. I hope so. He called her while she was at my house and I listened to them talk. I listened to her say I love you and then talk about family members and issues. It was just weird listening to husband/wife talk. The things I used to do. 🙁

B came over. He just seems odd to me. His demeanor, the way he arrives. Its just strange. Its like HEY I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN 2 WEEKS! for me and I wanna run and hug and be happy and hes all Mr controlled, mr “HEY” and just walks in all casual, my kids happily greet him. He just is so unemotional.

We watched Fronteir House, the last episode(about people placed to live like Pioneers in the mountains circa 1800s or 5 mos)

I kept snuggling up to B. Being loving and affectionate. He was being silly and saying “Ewww stoppit, go away” turning over and hiding his face, or pushing me away saying “Noooo” Which ok its cute and all, but I felt strange. He kept it up for awhile. Then he was play wrestling with me. All I wanted was to hold and kiss him to feel close. And he was just prolonging it.

I dont know, I just feel like something is going on with him. Or maybe hes just being who he always has been and Im noticing it more now?

I miss passioante kisses, he still is a snuggler so that part of him has always remained constant.

He had to work so he had to leave around 7am. He called me later after work, before heading to his evening job. Then he called me last night, wow not sure what time, I knew it was gonna be a late night. It must have been after 2:30am or so. I did talk but was so sleepy cant recall much. He said he loved me and was talking sweet. He usually gets to drink at this job, its a party type thing so lately he comes home buzzed from these things.

Me and the kids went to Barnes and Noble last night. I wanted to read up some more information on legal divorce issues, the house, child support enforcement, etc.

My concern right now is until this house issue is settled, basically I fear my ex is in serious financial crap and will creditors, lawsuits, etc, can anyone put a lien on the house since his name is on it and its an asset? Im concerned about that. My mom is getting a credit report for me this week to see what we can see so far is up. Also I spoke to a woman on the phone yesterday. Not sure if it was some scam on the net, but I didnt buy anything just spoke to her. It was a child support recovery course. To do this as a business. But I just enjoyed hearing her say how they do this stuff. She said they get a credit report on the person, there they can find if the person has applied for any loans recently, and from there they can track and employer or where they are working(how one can get that info I dont know yet) and about Bank Garnishments. Basically placing a freeze on an account if a person owes child support. Just lots of interesting stuff.

I also read in one book, I believe it was Divorce for Dummies that if my ex takes bankruptcy(there was chapter 13 and chapter 7?) I believe but have no idea what each means. But with one of them they allow you 3-5 yrs to catch up on back support. But the person still has to maintain regular payments they just have time to catch up the back owed.

And the other part is if you use a child support recovery organization they become like a creditor and you sign over to them, so a person can get out of paying to them, so that would not be a wise thing for me to do at this point. Ill just be floating in legal limbo I guess. Not until something is finalized will I really move forward with other things. So come January I will have to decide how to proceed. My Ex is in contempt for not paying. But its dec, my attny is gone, it takes time to get a court date, etc etc and woa are things here in town going to be crazy, our courthouse will be moving soon, so it will cause some delays iM sure until its all settled.

I met some interesting people online the other nite. I met a investigator. And well he told me that my area is “The Gomer Pyle” of courthouses. He is familiar with all the areas around here since he has to go into court records all the time. He knew so much that was right on. But also how the defenders out here are a joke. Just further reminder of why I dont like it here.

He also said something negative about the law enforcement out here also.

I rented “Enough” last night the movie. I finally went and got my own video card and a new store near my house. The other place I had an acct with ex and I believe money is owed cause he was always taking things in late. I just havent gone back. So as we go in the kids inform me “THis is where Daddy and his woman A took us” they rented movies here during their visit. I do not know exactly where she lives. I asked her when I saw her that one day, and I believe I did a candle party in her families home back during the marriage. I did parties in every branch of that families home. Ugh its just freaky to think back on it all. Now shes with my Soon to be Ex. So its like God cant I escape them? I was all paranoid walking in the store to make sure neither of them were there since thats where they rent movies.

I got home and watched the movie. I was just bawling at parts of it, I cried as it brought up emotions, not that my story was the same, but the same underlying factors were there. My eyes were just pouring tears. Just the feel of how you cant escape a person, how they just keep messing with your life. It was a good movie though. And then they had the song “Alive” with the video by Jennifer Lopez on the DVD.

I have just been thinking over men in my life since my separation. Its all so strange for me to reflect upon. Mr Comedy, Music Dude, I have been thinking about Mr Comedy and his wonderful attitude towards life and children. About the roses he grew and how they smelled, about how we laughed so much together, about how we sang Richard Marx songs loud in his car together. About how he thought of my kids and was the sweetest thing Ive ever witnessed regarding children.

Music Dude, sitting on the beach watching a sunset together. Hanging with a nightclub, artist/musician type. Going to the museum, seeing him smoking a cigarette. How people just pass through your life.

How I am sad how quickly people pass through. I bond I feel close to people and its hard for me to loose it. I miss parts of these guys so much. But I guess its a good reminder to myself that there are these out there, maybe i didnt find a whole great package but I got to see things. Things Ive never known with men.

Then I got thrown into a weird emotion watching Funnies Home Videos. Something about sending in your funny home video. And I flashed back to my wedding videos with my ex. How when it was time to each feed one another cake he scared me that he was gonna mash it in my face, he didnt, but teased me, so I did it to him and then he grabbed me and kissed me with the cake on his face.

THat memory just sunk into my heart, it was stuck in my head as I lay there with B. About the nice moments, the funny times with my ex. Was he somewhat of a real person then? Or just the same sick self serving guy as he always was?

Lots of things Im having to face or feel, the anger, the end is near, the closure perhaps in some ways?