Bookstore, Coffee & Books

Dear Diary,

Well I think Im getting the flu. Im slightly feeling achy, not bad at this point. Just getting ready to drink some Theraflu.

And so I probably have what my little one has. So I wouldnt have been up to much this weekend if I went out of town probably would have wore me out! So things have a way of working themselves out!

Well I had to deal with some anger today. I went and cleaned the garage. There is still a lot of ex’s junk in there. Yeah he has some stuff to come get still, but there was just so much little piddly stuff. I called the Vets program they are coming tuesday for donations. I packed up clothes, some nick nacks and stuff for them to take, gradually getting junk out of here. But I cleaned out alot of the cabinets! I had all these cans of paint, or cleaners, etc etc. A lot of chemical items I cant just throw in the trash but like when am I going to use MARBLE CLEANER? I didnt realize how much my ex took from his jobs! I knew he had a stealing problem but Eeesh! How did he get all this stuff!

I put a bunch of it on the curb and put FREE! I got rid of most of it, Me and my mom moved a tire axle and a HEAVY bumper. My ex drug these items when we bought our house over here, and they have been sitting beside the house for 3 yrs and occupied our old driveway then also! I cant have the trash co pick up the axle since it has tires on it. So hopefully someone will take it. And my ex made this bumper and he sold the truck it was to go on awhile ago. So its just been sitting and getting rained on and all the outdoor elements.

So it just felt good to remove some of this stuff. I also found 3 cans of white spray paint! Woohoo! I spray painted the outdoor shed today! It was rusted and brown and green and white and terrible looking! Now its pretty! I had been wanting to do this for months but just didnt go buy the paint, Never knowing we had 3 cans in the cupboards out there!

My mom came over today and brought me 2 BIG HUGE bags of cans to recycle for some cash. 🙂 Mom is awesome aint she?

I went out tonight to Barnes and Noble. I did call my lady friend, she was making dinner and never called me back. Oh well. 🙁 So I drove over to Barnes N Noble. I wanted to look at some books on child support and on “How to entertain” in your home. So decided Id do that tonight. As I was browing I got a dog book on my Boxer to read also. Then I found myself a comfy chair and read! Oh but I bought a Caramel Frappucino too!

I read sooo much! It was nice to just relax there.

I have a fear of entertaining people, yet at the same time I desire to have people over and entertain. Make sense? I just feel liek I wouldnt be fun or have a good party etc. I didnt grow up with parents who put on parties. We did the every year family event at holidays of a meal and that was it. And Im not a cook, so that isnt my gift.

So I read “Entertaining for Dummies” heehee. I didnt read much on the FOOD part. But I got a great idea! For entertaining at a level Id be comfortable with, that would require the cooking or spending lots of money!

They had an idea for a Hollywood night. Where you basically have friends over and watch old Movies. You can supply all movie snacks, popcorn, sodas, candy bars, whatever you want or you can even give invites and tell people to bring their favorite snack to share and we just put all the goodies out. And I basically can make up the invites, with my job I can make little flyers and get some info on the movie we will show and a little photo of it or something.

Also I can talk to my bosses or get feedback on inside info about actors or the film and share it before the film. This is what my boss does himself. 🙂 So hey its like my own training ground, something I enjoy and something that would be good practice for me! Yet its something I like!

I now have to make a guest list and give it a try. I think the only thing Id like to invest in is some pillows or bean bag chairs for people. I just have one couch, we can always use the floor but Id like the mood to be set to be relaxing and comfy for everyone.

So I have to write down some names of people Id like to invite and make up a list, then give it a try! I also have to figure out what movie would be good to start with!

I can invite people from “Group” and I can invite a few old church girlfriends, also the woman across the street loves old films. So maybe even invite her? Who knows, but I have to try this out. I was thinking I could make a regular habit of this? Every other weekend when kids are gone? Or once a month or what have you. It would be a good reason to have people over, get comfy with entertaining and developing more friendships with people. And well USING THIS HOUSE I HAVE! Eeesh! I need to do the things Ive always wanted, stop wishing!

Music lessons will have to wait, too pricey for me now.

I also read a book called “The Abusive Relationship” I believe was the title by Patricia Evans. I keep hearing this book names over and over again on the site I visit and at my DV group. So was about time I read it.

I wanted to cry. I saw how this relationship with B is not a healthy one. Yes Ive known its not been ok. I guess I just felt it wasnt as bad? So I read through a lot of examples. And basically Im with a verbal abuser. But I read the areas on how to STOP the abusive talk, and what to tell the person doing this to you. I got some paper out and wrote the important part down. And this is pretty much where I am at. Im proud to say Im farther along in the process of setting boundaries and recognizing abuse, etc. And I actually was right at this step! I just didnt know what to do I guess? What do I say to B? And basically its the part of the book that said “What do I say to the person to see if they are willing to listen and see things are not ok with me?” and then see how they respond and it will tell me if this is a hopeless cause. It also gave responses which was great to different types of verbal abuse. What to say to hurtful words and what actions to take. And also each time something is said or done that is hurtful to address right then. To stop allowing it and put stops so the person is aware you wont put up with it.

So heres what I wrote down

It suggested writing a letter to your partner along these lines…

1. Tell him you will not be responding to him in your usual way any longer.

2. I have been unhappy with some of things I hear from you.

3. I want to have a really good relationship with you.

4. Id like to see some changes in communication. In the past Ive to explain but dont find its been successful.

5. I will let you know what I want and dont want in a relationship. I have limits and Ill let you know if you over step them.

6. Can I have your cooperation in this?

I mean yes I need to rewrite it in my language but I jotted it down as a template for basically what I do need to say to B.

And well his response to this will say where he is at basically.

He called me today and for the first time I didnt answer and let it ring and the machine catch it. I just didnt know what to say to him. I dont know how to talk to him. The hurts keep happening to me, it pushes me away more. I dont feel comfortable communicating much because I find he says hurtful things or is dominating the convos or not really listening to me. Over power is what the book called this.

It also talked about the confusion, the shock, the feeling of being stabbed in the stomach or that pit in the bottom of your stomach. Your body is telling you something, and then how we think “Oh IM being too sensitive!” and the book covered all of that. It just validated all thats been going on. How my happy moods are shot by just one phrase from him. And I keep telling myself “Oh Victoria you are too sensitive!” but my body and instincts are trying to tell me something and instead Im partially blaming myself.

A big thing in the book was basically to not spend time explaining myself, etc etc. Often times it means saying “Stop it” when a person says things that are hurtful to you. Just telling them “Youve crossed my limits, this is not ok for me” and its a clear message. Instead I try to explain to them why Im hurt, and then feel Im too sensitve and as if I have to justify feeling hurt. Instead of saying “Hey that was hurtful, thats not ok with me!” and it talked about healthy relationships and how people respond to eachother and talk. And well I saw that is not what I have with B.

Another good example is when a person says THEY ARE RIGHT and wont listen to your opinion. In a healthy relationship each partner is entitled to their opinion and not to put down the others, wether you agree or not. Like the day I was talking to B about Narcissism. He was ADAMANT it was only about being preoccupied with ones looks. I said NO theres more to it, I knew this because I had read it on the net and had been reading material(mainly because I find B narcissistic) And he would not allow room for my opinion. He kept saying NO. So the book had the example of when a person is like this to say “So you say” and basically end the convo there, remove yourself. The person is not willing to talk and listen, they want to over power and tell you NO its this way.

They may sound like silly examples, but they are important and Im recognizing whats going on. It also talked about poor jokes, hurtful jokes, demeaning jokes, name calling in the book. ANd how I have the right to be offended by them and ask that I not be told them. B does this a lot to me. Sometimes I really just tune him out, he says very racist, or gender things,etc that are harsh and I just dont find funny in the slightest or his humor is dark and cruel. I have allowed this, and I dont like it. And Im entitled to that. And when a person cares about the other, they are considerate of those things. Instead I spend my energy saying “Well its the way he grew up, blah blah blah” So what? Is that what I want to be around? Is that what I want my children hearing? NO. Its not ok for me. I need to state it, either B respects it, or he doesnt be with me if he insists on being that way, etc etc

When I was reading the last book a woman sat across from me. Some loud teens came into the bookstore and were talking crude. We both looked up and made eye contact and rolled our eyes and said a few words about their behavior. Well as I was leaving I said Goodnite. She said “You look familiar, are you hear often?” I said No, not too much, she said she is. We had a small convo, we tried to connect if maybe we met somewhere before, but nothing clicked. She was really sweet. She and I swapped names, she said shes there often, and maybe we will see eachother again. 🙂 It was really neat to just connect briefly. We discussed living in this area. I said I was born here and how I was ready to move away. She was all Oh why? And I shared “divorce, too many memories here Im ready to go, not that I can now, but maybe one day” and she said “Oh im sorry, Ive been there done that too” and asked if I had children.

I felt I should have stayed and talked longer. Heck I want friends and she was very open to me. But I told her i will look for her again. 🙂 Her name and my name rhyme so I wont forget it! Its funny cause she said “You have a familiar face” and the same thought went thru my mind. She resembled my Ex’s aunt!

Well Im off for now! Praying I can make some progress and get the gutts to say something to B. I deserve to be treated better. Im tired of his treatment of me. It causes me to not want to be around him, to not even want to talk or share my life with him.