See my Baby Tonight!

Dear Diary,

Well felt like writing a little more. Kevin Max was live on his website chat area for Halloween! I got the email notification but then totally forgot last night since I was on the phone with D. So I just read through all the posts from Kevin. Aweee what fun it would have been to be able to ask him something live! 🙁 Hope he does it again.

I did want to throw in a note to my private comment. About how you said its sad the kids have to know about such things(court, judge, etc) I agree. Things like that were totally kept from the children until my In Law came to visit unannounced awhile back. I let her take the kids out for a few hours. When the returned home my oldest walks in the door and says “Mom when are you and Dad going to court?” I looked at her with a horror look. My ex nor I discussed this stuff with the kids. They didnt need to know. But she took it upon herself to tell them we are going to court, we are fighting over things, that Daddy has to pay me money” I was so angry at her. I called her and told her that is not her place and let ex and I be the ones to decide what is said. She refused my request, so that was around my final straw with her and why I have ceased to speak to the woman(along with her claims the kids were sexually acting out)

They are a sick family.

And my Ex has continued to violate the court orders and put the children in the middle and pegg me as the “bad guy” So I finally had to sit my kids down and explain some of these things because they were in the dark and thrown into situations with their Gramma and Dad and being told untruths. So I couldnt shelter them any longer, I had to arm them with information for themselves.

Well Im gonna see B tonight! Omgosh 2 weeks not seeing him! EEEKS! I dont think we have really ever gone this long since this whole year. Week was our max not seeing eachother. I cant wait to hold him, I cant wait to kiss him, I cant wait to sleep pressed up next to him, to feel him. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

He told me last night he hates living at the new place. I asked him why. He said “Well the people? Its highly dysfunctional” luckily he isnt home much with work and all. But he is putting on weight since hes been there, they are all heavy people and eaters. I had a girlfriend years back when I was still married who left her husband and moved into this place and was seeing the guy that B lives with. She stayed for awhile but then left. She had told me they were great friendly people, but she said “ALL THEY DO IS EAT!” and she had commented on how she gained weight living there.

I made a comment to B and said ” I wonder how it would be if we lived together? How would we do?” I just know I cant live with him, but then I said “B, I dont even get to see you enough as it is to truly see what you are like on a more consistent basis” Granted I would really love to see B more. I wish we lived closer. I think we could be a help to eachother, but mainly due to transportation and financially. But Im worried about our “getting along” in a day to day basis. His moodiness, his aloofness, his seriousness and harshness at times to life. That is the part I dont think I could handle on a day to day basis living with me.

Yes, we are a strange relationship. There is Love between us. But this to me is unique. I think I have given up on trying to draw us closer and be more my “image” of what I would LIKE us to be. And just let us BE what we are. If this no longer makes me happy or I dont want to do this anymore, then so be it. But I am ok with it pretty much, sure I gripe at times, but I also remain where I am, and there is a reason I do. I still find some comfort in having him as a part of my life.

But I notice when people ask me about him, my answers are strange. I dont gush over him and say how wonderful he is and how happy we are and speak in some optimistic happy bliss. Yet I dont talk him down and say hes a jerk either. Its more of a ” I love him, I really do not know what the future holds if anything for us. Im really uncertain at this point, but he has been there for me, and the 2 of us are dealing with major things right now. Im broke and dealing with a divorce and legal matters that hold my life in so much Limbo, and he is trying to get his vehicle up and running and maintain a job, so between the two of us we have much personal work to do” So we shall see how it goes when things settle down? When we overcome these hurdles?

I get to see B tonight! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!