Love me Love My Kids

Dear Diary,

Morning. I just lay in bed each morning and want to call in sick. Im just loving my sleep too much! And its DARK in the mornings now, yucky!

B called me about 10:30 last night. He was just getting ready for bed. His job he was supposed to start Mon from 5pm -1am. Well when he arrived they ended up changing everything on him, since he is moved to another department and not what he originally came in to apply for. SOOO hes working day shifts. Which would eliminate his problem of our hours conflicting. Well last night he grumbled and said “I think the other time slot was more up my alley” Its just hard to hear things like that. I didnt say anything, but inside Im like “Yeah dummy, there goes your excuse for not seeing me too often, now what will it be?” Nice huh? But its like what the hell? He was just saying the night before when he was over “I need to see you more huh? I need this job thing to settle down, blah blah blah” And well now? Thats not an issue really.

Anyways, nothing worth getting overly upset about I guess. I just let things roll. He wants to take me out this weekend, but he still doesnt know which day or days, not until he gets word on the part time job I guess. So its all in the air, A friend invited me to a hockey game this Sat. Ive never been, Im not a sports fan so it doesnt really excite me, the idea, but he wanted me to let him know today, because hes buying the tickets and will buy me one. Heck I havent even gotten word from ex yet on getting the kids. Id feel bad for the guy to buy a ticket, and my being able to go is iffy.

I was thinking this AM on my drive about B. How I can enjoy his company, how he is fun to hang out with on a JUST ME basis, and how we are good lovers. But to be honest, that is all.

We are good friends on the phone, and we can hang out and just relax well together when hes not in one his moods.

But the thing with my kids? It just aint happening at this point, and he isnt showing any strides or effort really to change that. Im listening loud and clear the words hes thrown out since friday. Yes the log into my memory. They have too.. hes said…

1. This is why I dont have kids, I like to send them home to their parent.

2. What kind of father role model am I anyway?

3. I prefer to spend time with you and yeah Im not always all gung ho to see your kids.

I had said on the phone a few days ago “Listen my kids are a part of me, if you dont have the patience for kids, well then how are you going to have it for mine? Why are you with me if you dont care for kids? Because my kids come with me” He replied “Well because I love you”

Nice response and all, but LOVE isnt gonna cut it if he cant hang well with children. I think the new thing that I feel is “LOVE ME, LOVE MY CHILDREN” and you know what? B can hug me, say he loves me, say he wants to marry me, and on and on. But the man cant even extend a hug to my children? I dont care if hes not all touchy feely type. He can hug me just fine. I feel my children are an extention of me. And I told B I want my kids to grow up in a LOVING Environment.

So I feel as if Im retreating back, having the kids not really around him much. I tell myself “So enjoy the parts of B you do like” But then I know Im only having half the person, Im investing time in something that really may not lead to anything that I really desire in the long run and the more time I invest, the harder it is to leave it.

This will be my last week with time for the gym. Off track starts next week so for 4 weeks things will be more busy. Mom will watch my youngest for 4 weeks, oldest will be in a reading/math help intercession program. I wont have time for the gym because I have to get home ASAP to let mom go. I have thought a few times but then dismiss the idea of asking my ex to watch the youngest whiles hes off track. I think its better for the kids to be with him together. And well my oldest calls my ex on his crap. And my little one idolizes Daddy and I would hate to think of what my ex would fill his head with or pull from him having him alone for a whole day. So I dont really think its even a good idea. His big brother wont be there to look after him. And I have all the say in this anyway, My ex can only request and its per my approval.

Later