I Just Dont Know

Dear Diary,

This is kinda hard to write. Its just what is churning through my head over this B thing… so here it goes.

I spoke with him on the phone last night. I addressed his letter and asked him if he felt this was about his new job. And he said No. So I said “So what is it about?” He said “Well its like you arent happy with the way things are, Im telling you its going to take me sometime to get things into a better place, and your just not willing to wait and your just ready to Walk”

I in turn feel guilt.

I feel bad, I feel he is asking for my support, and im denying it. How can I do that to the man who stood by me through so many painful nights after leaving my ex?

Then my counselors words ring in my head “You dont owe him anything Victoria, are you staying because you feel guilty? YOu dont own him anything”

I combat those words in my head. I feel so grateful to B for all he has done during those really painful times. But I can still feel grateful for them, doesnt mean I have to be his girlfriend right?

I guess Im afraid of him slapping the words back on me “I NEED YOUR SUPPORT, and you just want to QUIT AND WALK”

We talk for quite awhile last night. I told him “I Dont know where I fit in your life? And what is it you want with me?” And I get “I guess I dont know” as the answer from him. How do I work with that response?

Yet he says he feels he is in a Catch 22 with me, either way hes screwed with whatever answer he gives. So he just remains neutrel to avoid it?

I dont know.

He said “Listen, I have to provide for my basic needs, I cant get all lovey dovey Kumbyah right now and do all this self work, You want me to be GAY”

What the f?

I think I must have repeated over and over again to him this question “B where do I fit in your life?”

Because basically its,,,

1. Right now I have to work, this job is important and my focus goes there.

2. I owe these people I live with and work for part time. They have taken care of me and paid my rent when I wasnt making it so many times. I owe them my work.

3. When Im depressed I just sometimes only need these 4 walls of my room and this is where I want to be.

4. I have to be able to afford you. If I cant even gas up my car to see you. Then well what good is that?

Those are all things he has said.

So I said, “Its like everything is an extreme, either you are way busy, or way unemployed and broke and unmotivated and depressed. Where is the middle ground?”

He started on his “Im a fucking asshole…” bit and I stopped him and said I didnt want to hear it. I dont say those words, and Im quite tired of him talking himself down. Instead of saying “Hey this is how I am and Im happy that way so deal with it,,, or HEY, Im sorry, I dont like how this is going, and Im going to do something to change it..”

I told him he has CHOICES.

At one point when he went on about me NOT being supportive or understanding or Patient(which really irked me)

I said “I have been MORE then patient” And that is when Victoria broke into her stand up for herself speech…

“B, I was married. I put myself off over and over for my Ex. I put my needs and wants to the side for him. I excused his behavior because of how he was brought up and wounded as a child, then it was he was working so hard and was so tired, dont burden him with more, then it was hes unemployed, encourage him, help him get back on his feet, then it was he had health probs, stomach problems, dont unload on him because it will make him feel worse, now is not the time, NOW IS NOT THE TIME, DONT DO IT NOW, YOULL MAKE HIM FEEL WORSE. WAIT VICTORIA, WAIT WAIT WAIT”

“So now Im in counseling and groups where Im told to EXPRESS MY NEEDS. AND I DO! And Im told Im selfish, not supportive? SO WHEN DO I MATTER? WHEN DO MY NEEDS COUNT? It seems the more I try and speak up the more I meet resistance”

B got very quiet.

He replied “New tools are not such a bad thing Victoria, but know that you will meet resistance when you start to use them, but it doesnt mean they are wrong or a bad thing”

So when he answers me like that, it gives me the impression he HEARD me. Its his way of acknowledging the truth in what I said. Or is it?

I just dont know what to do. I just dont know.

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