Being Married

Dear Diary,

It is weird. Im just sitting here reflecting. I was with my ex since I was 16, Married him at age 20, separated at age 28. My divorce should be final here at age 30.

I always wanted to get married. I had a family. We owned our first home.

It seems like Im worlds away from that Wife I once was.

I had a husband whos laundry I washed, whos stains I treated. Whos clothes I picked up.

No more tools laying around the house, no more emptying his pockets on my kitchen table. Ahhh Im feeling a small twinge of nostalgia here, Because you know how annoying all those things were when he was here.

I thought about him today, as I was driving to get the kids. I thought about what music dude said. He and his ex are taking their daughter out trick or treating. I thought about how my ex wanted the kids, and how I want them for Halloween. I pretty much have the say in it since that holiday isnt in writing for us to swap. I thought about us both hanging out and taking them. Sure its probably some crazy pipe dream. But one still longs for days of getting along.

Im so far now from being a married person. I miss it, yet Im scared to death of it. After going through all I have. I would be very cautious(at least I hope I would) to enter into a union of marriage again. I think I am cautious, look at the B thing. I have been very careful. Not to even go so far as moving in together, and we are almost on year 2 of dating. Heck I have a 4 bedroom house, he has been practically homeless twice. But I didnt ask him to live here. I want a man to be able to provide for himself. Im not playing another Mom to a little boy again.

I do fantasize at times about being married again. I think the things I miss most are….. walking around and going places. Like parks, amusement parks, the mall, the store, around the block, and having a mans hand to hold, someone holding my childs hand and us all walking.

I miss having a partner to snuggle up to in bed.

I miss going places, site seeing, traveling, drives.

And I think I would one day like to have a really beautiful, heartfelt, full of deep love, WEDDING.

And then the last is to be debated, but to possibly have a child with someone who is a wonderful mate and partner.

At this point it seems so unattainable. Just that I havent met a man, or Im scared of them, or I dont attract those types. Who knows?