Looking at Last Night

Dear Diary,

I just re read what I wrote last night. I just felt guilty. He would say he loves me enough hes not going anywhere, and I just want to drop things cause we are in a rough patch. (Believe me Im aware this is a way of turning things on me and blaming me, guilt approach)

I said “So here you tell me you need this time, you need to devote to your job. Go for it, Im supportive. You tell me you get depressed and you need time alone, I be supportive, you went through the thing where your Jeep took your time, I let you alone to go and pursue that also. So tell me, What do I get?”

He said “To learn independence”

That irked me, I began to rattle off how much of my life is independent from him. And Im supposed to LEARN MORE? Looking at it, thats fine and all, but that more like saying “Victoria, you need to learn to be alone for awhile” But thats not what he wants. He just wants me to go live life without him, give him space, hook up when hes free and be cool with it. Yet Im still his girlfriend. So I said “Where is this fair?” And hed throw back a question of “Define fair” grrrrr

So I didnt know what else to say. Its like if I cant get some type of commitment back even if its small, what do I have to hold onto? Wait until January? Im sorry but to me that is bullshit. What will be the next thing?

Man are we both messed up or what? lol

I mean really makes me wonder why on earth he wants me around also?

I think perhaps we are both in the same boat here, the same feelings?

We have such a strong bond, we really do. And I dont think either of us wants to loose it. I want to keep it, he threatens if I go Ill loose it altogher, or perhaps someday we might be friends again but he doesnt really know, but if I move on hes DONE”

Heck to be honest, why cant the damn guy just let me go live life, Id be happier, he could get his stuff done, we could meet up during the free times but then I wouldnt be all pissed off and lonely cause Id find other things and people to spend time with. He could have that distance. BUt hed never loose me as a friend. But yeah its SEX. He doesnt want me going elsewhere for that. He doesnt want me romantic with any other guy.

But its like I said “YOu cant even say “Hey I will make Saturdays our day” he cant make any promises is all he tells me. I said ” I was married to that also B, my ex would work too much at times. I remember him blowing us off Christmas eve, him putting his work at times before us, Im not cool with that either” I seem to rank last when he has work or vehicle or emotional problems. He comes first. Which is fine, but I said “How do you think you can manage a relationship being this way?”

Well thats it, here we go. He will be busy until next saturday. I wont be seeing him at all. And I dont know if hes working Sat or sun eve on the weekend either. He said he wanted to take me out with him to celebrate when he gets his first check.

A guy I just started talking to asked me if I was interested in going to Magic Mountain next weekend. (Jen its that drool worthy guy!) He said hes going with his bro and his wife and some other friends. So its totally a group thing. I said I could probably go. But nothing is in stone. Here I have these free weekends now and I get so confused on what to do with them.

Communication with Music dude is just dropping. His last call was last sun night. He doesnt chat with me like he used too. Perhaps hes really busy now, but its not the way its been, so I dunno whats up. So I just leave it alone. See if he comes back around to wanting to talk like we used to, or if that is over with us.