I Talked with Him

Dear Diary,

Good Morning, my eyes are a bit puffy this AM. I was up till a little after 1am on the phone with B and did a lot of crying. I ended up paging him around 11:30pm since I didnt hear from him once again and he wasnt answering his new phone. He called back about 15 min later. I had been crying already before he called ( see last entry )

So I just came out with it, I didnt waste time. I told him how I was feeling. We ended up talking for quite some time. It was good, we didnt fight, we did TALK. It wasnt angry, it wasnt name calling, it was actual TALKING. Its just different when you were married to an irrational man for so long, and its nice to grow and mature as an adult and have discussions with people in a mature manner.

Its hard for me even to type out all of what we discussed, because frankly I was so emotionally drained, tired, it was late, and its hard to remember all of it right now.

But I did let him now I personally am not ok with how this relationship has been. That he started to spend more time with me after the last break up, but it has since tapered off, I see him less, but now the communication is lacking between us, I said that is what hurts me most. I feel like we are living total separate lives, and what does he want from me in a relationship? I said “Sex?” not in a mean way and he said he understood what I was saying. He once again repeated how he is not used to people caring about him, wanting to hear his pain and hurts, that its not what he is used to and its difficult for him. I said “Yes hun, Im aware of this, Ive been with you long enough now and Ive told you Im not your family, dont apply the same thinking to me. But I make excuses for you all the time, and say “Oh he went thru this, or this is hard for him, etc etc” and well where do I fit in to this? I have needs also. And I put my own aside to be understanding of yours.

So basically we didnt come to a final decision on anything, it was too late to even attempt it and I said we would have to talk again. But we both shared how much we love one another, and neither of us doubts that. But I told him I cant continue in a relationship like this, its hurting ME. I told him he needs to go take care of his “stuff” and get some help, and that if he cant take care and love himself, then how can he give that in a relationship.

He said “I understand what you are saying, it makes sense. I just really dont want to loose you over this” I said “I know” and it pretty much ended on that note.

I did confront the issue of his demanding his right when I challange his opinion also. He admitted to it, said that he does put up this front that he is so intelligent and its hard for him to admit that he doesnt know it all, and that his logic is hes right a majority of the time, so hey why not always go out on a limb and always claim you know whats right? Ahhh his logic at times?

He also said that he needs money to take me out and spend time with me. I once again said “How come you dont invite me and the kids over to stay the night?” he mentioned somethign about how hes fine with sitting at the park with the kids or taking them to a museum, but that that is not good enough for me” I said “Hmm? Im totally cool with that type of stuff. I understand your money situation. I even offer to cover the cost of things at times to go and do things and you still are a pain in the ass about it” I told him the park was totally fine, that I just grow tired of sitting indoors watching tv, but Im not talking spending big $$$. And I am cool with simple things.

He also had said “What is it you want? For me to move in?” I said “No, thats now what Im saying, but its like you come down here and are ready to leave so soon” he said “Well I have things to do, you think I can afford to drive back and forth all the time?” I said “Well since you are so busy cause you dont have a job you cant stay an extra day?” He replied “Touche” haha, its cute when he does that, he says it when I nab him with something. Then he went on with this, “Well what use am I at your house all day? WHat can I get done?” I said “So instead going home and sitting on the computer in your room is more productive?”

Heck its not that. I can find him stuff to do if thats the problem, but I dont buy that either, I invited him to work the other day and got permission from employers for him to help me write and ad, and B seemed to just want to get home, he didnt spend that much time with me and do nearly as much as I thought he would, he wanted to get home and try the new DSL at his new place.

Well Im gonna go for now,, So we shall whats next.