Thinking of Future

Dear Diary,

Just sitting here tonight. Have my kids back. Drop off went well. Ex’s Uncle drove ex and the kids this time, so that was good to meet my Mom.

Its just weird to see the kids whenever I get them back. They are never all happy. They are normally kinda somber, serious faced. Its weird. Have other people dealt with this? I kinda take it slow, sometimes one will talk, sometimes they just kinda lounge around. But the first thing my oldest says is “Dad wants us on Halloween” which pisses me off, once again he tells them and doesnt ask me. He isnt supposed to do that but since when does my ex do anything in a thoughtful way? He needs to make plans with me first and not use the kids as messengers.

My oldest also said “These are Dads clothes we are wearing, we have to give them back” Im thinking inside “There your clothes! Fuck your Dad” of course I didnt say that. But its like God? He doesnt help with shit, then buy clothes that they arent supposed to wear here? Why on earth send them back in them? Idiot.

Anyways, the kids said they went back to the old church, and they hung out with the young guy who is the cousin of the chick he was seeing. They went out to the crappy town on the outskirts of town, and went in some old house and the kids were telling me it was dirty and things broken, trash buried, and then my little one says “Daddy is gonna help **** fix it up, and Daddy is gonna live in a trailer out back” I have learned with my little one not to believe things the way he explains them. I think perhaps they were exploring, my ex seems to be on some fantasy he can buy a house right now, or hes trying to hook up with this guy as a roomate. Which if he does? Omgoodness that would be the SCARIEST duo. This guy is like my ex at age 21. The guy has ADD, pulled a knife on his Mom and got thrown out, he is good looking but very immature. My ex used to spend a lot of time with him back in the days when he worked in the church, then one night after the night incident my ex proceeded to beat him up in the front yard with our kids home and the guy was yelling “Call the police!” I ended up calling the neighbor guy for help, my kids were hearing this and seeing there Dad beat up a guy from church. Oh boy, see what I mean? My ex is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. He doesnt really have any good friends. And the last ones he had in the guy area when we were together. Well he usually gets into a fight with them all and they part ways.

I was a bit lonely today. I tried to keep busy. I just miss having a guy, one to call up, someone to feel connected too. I was fearful in some ways, Im thinking of being single, and its scary, I know I can do it and all but doesnt mean I approach it with ease. Ive just always had someone, ever since I was 16.

I get scared about things then my mind starts churning. I guess im just having a worriesome moment. I just would love to be settled down again one day with a partner. I think driving around with Music guy last nite and looking at the old houses sparked old thoughts of what I once wanted with my ex. My love for old houses and his construction abilities. We had dreams. I looked at houses the same style music guy likes, and we just talked about rennovations of things together. It was nice to talk about that again.