Conflicting Feelings

Dear Diary,

Well I get to go to the courthouse today for the class for several hours.

I also got word from my childrens school that my youngest may not be able to get in the after school program. 🙁 Im registering him for school next week but it may be too late but she said she will watch for his name. So heres praying he can get in otherwise I will have to arrange child care for him this year.

Well I asked B last night what the word was on 4th of July. He said he has to work until closing and theres no way to get it off and he typed a sad face. I guess Im wondering why he didnt tell me this? Hes like that. I ask him to do things and he never gets back to me. Until I ask. I talked to an old guy pal also, hes invited me several times with the kids to go camping and to the lake, he has a boat, so he said the house Im staying at is closer to him for the 4th vacation and said to call him if me and the kids want to go out on the lake.

B has started the past 2 days sending me little emails again.:) Whats he reading my mind? One telling me he was at his friends working on his computer and would be in late? Usually he doesnt say much or tell me much as of late and I never know wheres hes at, when he will be home, or anything. And then the past 2 mornings hes sending “I love you, hope you have a great day” emails.

His birthday is coming up very soon, he mentioned it last night. And Im going to be broke, it will be during the kids first week of school and 2 court dates, and I just really dont know what to do. Just my heart isnt all gung ho in it, and I guess part of that is due to the fact of my birthday last year, when he accused me of lying from a rumor this woman started (for those of you who remember this)It was all untrue but it was just so mean and hurtful and especially on ones birthday.

I told B I had free eves all this week with the kids gone, but he never took me up on any. SO I guess that stuff makes me sad. Its sort of like Im pulling back right now. Im the one usually making plans for us. Yes we do do things, but its my idea or invite. So wonder how long it will take for him to do it on his own? I told him earlier this week I might possibly stop by on my way home from my friends house out of town and swing by and say hello before going home, kids will be asleep in the vehicle since it will be late for them.

I guess things just feel strange right now. Im enjoying talking to Mr Comedy, hes calling me in the eves now. Last night B and I just said goodnight and he didnt ask for me to call. Mr Comedy called about 11:30, I didnt talk long because I was falling asleep.

So I guess its like this, I still want to see B. I love B. I respect B and he has been a great friend through so many things and a good listener. On the other hand I want to do more things, and B doesnt or is not able. So I guess its like Im feeling the “Lets date others” feel? Im not opposed to still seeing B, but I guess its like where is this going? Its kinda stagnate. B just has no direction really for where hes going with his life, or at least not that Im aware of. He needs a job, hes unsure about where hes living.

Here I have this adorable bear, that says “Hi Baby dont forget I love you” and I hold it each night all night. Yet Im torn about this whole thing, I Love him yet I guess like some of my readers have said, I love him but not the relationship?