Awake Still

Dear Diary,

Its almost 4am. Im still awake. I had some guy online want to talk. I have a calling plan where I dial a code so nobody can see my number and its free in my state unlimited long distance. I told him no sex talk. That I was emotionally upset.

He was this young 20 yr old Club Bouncer and College football player. He was trying so hard to be sweet. Its not that he did much, other then listen and tell me not to cry. But it helped me to calm down some. I had to get up and take some Tylenol I get a headache when I cry too much.

I am more relaxed, but then I started thinking about my dog. Im so terribly sad over him. 🙁 Wondering where he is, is he ok? Does someone have him? Are they good to him? See hes a nice looking boxer and a lot of the gang member, and low life, druggie types admire him often when I take him for walks. So Id hate for him to fall in the wrong hands. Hes a great dog, mean looking, but with us the sweetest family dog you have ever seen. My sister who is coming to court tommorow with me gave him to me and she loves him so much too and always comes to give him some love, so I will probably cry when I tell her hes missing. I keep looking out the door seeing if hes at the porch, But nothing.

I was actually having thoughts of just wanting to die earlier, before I talked with that guy on the phone. I am just so tired and exhausted from hurting. I kept thinking about my kids, that I need to be strong and take care of them, without me they would end up with him. I started thinking how some people take their lives at times, as families. Its tragic, yet when you are in such terrible pain, at times it feels there is no way out.

Christians say “God will not give you more than you can handle” So why is it people reach a limit of going crazy, insane, needing medication, suicidal?

Im simply so tired of dealing with my ex, so so so tired. Lord you know whats best in this, please show me tommorow in court.

But then I hear the system doesnt always work, so that scares me also.

I am afraid to even want to try and eat, I feel if I eat tommorow I will throw it up.

People may wonder why Im so nervous. Well because all my life married to this man he always manipulated situations and turned things around on me. And I fear he will “GET ME” again somehow.

I wish I had taken photos of the living room wall when he smashed out a portion of it. Its still visible that he patched it up since the wall bulges out there, but this wasnt a just smack a hole, this was rage where he punched out a whole section, he kept hitting it over and over again. I quickly left, but he had it patched by the next morning. Or when he threw the crystal wedding frame and it was broken all over the place.

All I wanted tonight, was be held in loving arms and cry hard and be comforted. So they say God is there, so I dont feel all that human closeness. God what now?