Boyfriend Gives Up
Chat tonight with Boyfriend.
Him- I was in heaven, all i would have needed was you nakie and some hot sex =0P~~~ how are you
Me : (
Him: why so? i miss something? or just sad cause?
Me: Its like Im dealing with so much right now,a nd dont get me wrong I love sex, but its like I really need some uplifting during this time, more then sex,
Him: ah, um..go get em champ?
Me: hmm? Go get what?
Him: you can do it rock..knock this bum out i dunno Im trying to be uplifting
Me: oh ok, I mean ummm, like in the form of loving support, encouragement like when ya used to write me long letters n stuff or the one time u sent me a card
Him: go get em is encouraging
Me: I get the feeling what I say now has gotten old
Him:how so?
Me: I find it harder to talk to u, its like I dont know what to talk about.Im going thru lots now , dont take everything I saw now as how things are fully, just the way I feel at the moment
Him:I odnt,I know, Im aware that you are going thru alot
Me: I like drove home today and wished I had flowers, so Im telling myself get some for myself, why do i need them from a guy?
Him: cause you think that since I dont send them I dont care..thats basically why
Me: I just like that sorta thing, its a prefernce of mine
No its like I guess I feel in some way you are supposed to know how beat down I feel and do something to help me up. But then I feel that is wrong for me to have such expectations, this is all stuff im not sure on how to feel about yet
Him: ok. I will chalk up another X on the Brys list o fuck ups K?
Me: Im just lettign whatever come out ok?
Him: sure, get your flow on
Me:: I hate Ex for what he is doing to me
Him: im sure somehow he feels the same way for the same reason
Me: fuck him I cant do crap cause Im on edge when hes around
Him: what would you have expected though? Its not like he wasnt like this before. you just refused to admit it
Me: I cant plan my frickin life half of it anyways, cause Im always worried what is Ex gonna do, i hate it
Him: thats your gig to deal with, your choice to live your life that way
Me:well what else can I do?
HIM: as long as you arent stupid do whatever you want, what do you want to do that you cant do right now?
Me: I wanna stay home, have a normal weekend, go see you and give a shit if the kids are around. So I stay home. Ex is pissed, shows up angry, then what? Kids see dad throwing a fit? I call police, yeah that will be good for them to see and understand
Him: well if thats what they have to see then so be it
Me:Well Mommy will have to be the bad guy
Him: then be the fucking bad guy. so what?
Me:Proactive is what Im trying to be,looking at what Im dealt and avoiding anything abusive
Me: I know theres nothign I can really do, its frustrating Im venting
Its all I have left to do, it hurts
Him: vent away then
Me: I hate it, have to express it
Him: ok
Me: Its pisses me off, I wish I could make it stop, its frustrating
Him: its easy to stop, just quit
Me: you dont understand
Him:say fuck it all give up everything and go home and cry over it, you are right I dont
Me: that is why I said to y ou”I get the feeling what I say now has gotten old”
Him: you know how he is. you know this is going to be fuct up. Do what you can to minimize that and make the best out of it.If along the way you have to be the bad guy then do it, hell do it well, until its time not to be the bad guy. thats just the way it is and Im sorry
Me: Sometimes I need to just fucking cry and be comforted is all
Him: if I say ” its ok babe you will be just fine.” you wont be happy. Im basically fuct here no matter what I say so
Me: what happened to “Its ok to cry, if you need to cry , its ok” and just holding a person?
Him: I told you to let it out, cry. go for it
Me:maybe I dont need much else, but knowing that Im loved
Him: but its like Im listening and your pissed of that im not doing dsomething more. I guess you dont know I love you.
i forget thse things its like I make one sexual comment and suddenly im an insensitive jerk who doesnt care.
Me: I dont know what to say or how to handle this. Im trying to tell u where I am at, what I need, that is all
Him: im just a bastard is all. obviously, i give up. good night.