Hearing Him

Dear Diary,

Well what a strange night of emotions for me.

Ive been home all day. Its been quiet. I was a little annoyed at boyfriend first off. He didnt invite me out tonight for a big group thing and I was a little hurt and basically told him last night if he woulda invited me I could have gotten a sitter. So today I told him how I felt. It wasnt a big issue or anything. Just something he told me 2 weeks ago hed invite me to, then it came up and he just told me “Im going out tomm nite” and didnt invite me. He apologized to me, said I was right, told me he is so used to being alone. I told him that it takes effort and making plans. That him coming over is nice and all but I need more. I need him to make attempts for us to go out and do things and plan them the same way I do for him.

So hes off with friends tonight drinking. Said hed call me later. He spent all day with this female teacher of his from high school moving her furniture. She called him. She is a mentor type person to him. So he told me the brief history about her. She was the one person who believed in him and saw he had potential. And later when he turned 21 they went out drinking together. He also has a tattoo on his arm which is an ornament she gave him. So he said “That tells you how important she is in my life” So I guess it just felt weird. He told me she just divorced her husband, so hes helping her move. I guess I always wonder, does she like him? Is it a total friendship thing or is there more? But I don’t say anything. How do you deal with thoughts like that? I dunno.

So I go online and get a message from G!!! I last saw G in around September last year. He drove out and we had dinner together. I have known G for about 5 years, hes the first guy I met at a online meet party. And we spent many parties together hanging out having a blast. We havent really spoke much since the dinner we had. He is a good guy. We have an attraction. He has 2 kids, house, cars and a girlfriend but is practically married. But he has been thru all the same stuff as I have been and thats why we have always connected. And he was always respectful and never pushy about sex or affection. He told me tonight “Your like the hottest unavailable chick I know. Your like a guy pal to me now, your like a 2nd cousin or something” haha, I was laughing. So after much talking online we talked on the phone, tired of typing. It was good to talk to him. He just reinlisted for the army and was sworn in. Hes all happy about it. He truly is a good guy. So I told him how boyfriend and I were doing( he knows him) I told him what was up with Ex situation( he knows my Ex and has met him also)we talked about our kids and just old online party days. So we have agreed to try and meet up for lunch in the next few weeks. I do miss him, so it will be cool to see him again.

So the Ex has called for the 6th day in a row for the kids. Every day. He never calls them like this. And after counseling they told me I dont have to keep answering and letting him disrupt the kids lives. I can set up with attorney scheduled days and times if need be. So while I was talking to G the phone beeped. Later I checked my voicemail.

:::Gulp:::

I had thought it would be boyfriend or Ex calling for kids again…

It was Ex, but this time the message said “Hi… Victoria…

I have not had a message for me since Dec on my machines from him, he has been a total jerk to me. He was crying, he said “Victoria, I just called to tell you I love you. Im sorry you have to put up with so much Shit from me. Im sorry I cant be all that you want me to be. I just want to tell you that I love you” and hung up.

I sat there in my bed. My eyes wanted to fill with tears. Its amazing how he can make me so angry and treat me soo poorly, and just hearing him sound soft and emotional and say kind words causes me to soften in my heart.

I sat there and said “I forgive you” to the air as if to him.

It was nice to hear, at same time its not that I want him back. I just want us to get along is all.

I called Mom. She said “Hun, hes drunk” Why dont I think of that? Duh? He probably is, cause since hes been away the only times hes spoken to me like that he was drunk. So I bet he is. 🙁 She also said “Dont get caught off guard. Dont get sucked in. If he means all of what he said, then he would change the way hes acting and you wouldnt be where you are right now, how is he going to be tommorow night?” I had to be reminded again of the abuse cycle.

Also that when he usually comes back to me like this to talk I let him in. And in turn I dont allow him to be alone, hit rock bottom and see how truly ugly his life has become. Now he has to face it alone. And wow, tonight I actually felt compassion, or maybe Pity? for him.

I so want to believe the words he said. I know he loves me, but also I know his whole view of what he belives love to be is warped. I have to not respond. I have to let him face his demons. I cant step in. Its hard though, I just want peace between us. And well it wont happen in one eve from a nice voice mail from a man whos been drinking.