I want to Get Away!

Dear Diary,

Thanks for your comments friends, private ones also and emails. 🙂 Im just so boggled down with stuff at the moment. I dont even have the strength or energy to write it all.

I used to always be so sad each day that B wouldnt call me, that he wouldnt talk to me much. Well now he has been calling me every day. Sometimes more then once a day. But now the desire to hear from him has seem to have dwindled. Last night I didnt really want to talk to him. I just stayed online so I wouldnt hear the phone ring. I got off around 10pm and he had left me a message at 8:30 saying he was going to the gym, first time in mos, and hed call me later on.

So the phone rang around 10:30 I debated not answering it, but then decided to. He was nice and friendly. Ive lost my chattyness so much with him that I used to share. I sit and listen a lot now and he keeps commenting with “Are you there?” Are you tired? Are you falling asleep on me?” and I say “No, just listening to you” I didnt even bring up all the ex stuff even though normally he would have shared in all that with me, but after his stuff the other nite about giving my ex the money and all that I didnt really care to discuss this stuff with him. So he talked about his day. About work stuff, about how he went and bought some new clothes. He finally said “So anything new with the ex situation?” I said “Well yes, but I dont really want to talk about it with you if you dont really like to hear it, after last night I dont want to deal with negativity over the issue. Im not asking for what you think I should do. I just needed support and a listening ear.”

Well I ended up talking to him about what was up. Next thing I know he overtakes the convo, I barely started but goes into his “Im the expert now cause I work for a mortgage co processing loans, etc” And I just sat there, he does this now and then and I was totally in the middle of sharing something, and he hijacks the convo, goes on and on, then when hes done he doesnt say “Ok continue” He goes on to talk about something else????? And I said last night “Well I wasnt done with what I was saying” and finished.

I asked him if hes working this weekend. He said he wasnt sure. He said “Why are you free no kids?” and I said Yes. Hes all “Well do you want to do something” Im like “Yeah I want to go to San Diego” and well that will be too rushed a trip I told him if hes gotta be back in the eve for work. I told him I dont get much alone time and I have no idea how long my ex will keep this up so I need to take advantage of it. He said “Yeah” and so I never told him I was coming to see him this weekend. To be honest I dont know what Im doing yet! Im just sorta winging it!

If I had enuff money for a hotel Id just take off sat AM and spend the nite in SD and come home sunday eve to get the kids. But thats not wise with money situation right now. I also havent heard from my girlfriend there either. 🙁 I have 2 guy friends there, one said I can stay down there at his moms. Its an option, he said hed love to see me, and theres also Drool guy I know hed love to meet. But then I just feel its not cool. Im still with B. Im commited to him. And why go hang out with guys who I have an attraction to, my big mouth, B knows about one of them and knows I used to like him and knows about the fallout the guy and I had. So then to hear me saying Im staying down there?

But this is my choice right? My life! I dont know, I just want to go visit the old house tours I adore in San Diego so much! The tours are only $5.

I was thinking today as I was driving to work today about my income tax refund. WHat will I do with it???? How will I divide it up? Of course bills. I have just one credit card left that was shared by ex and I. $800 to pay so that will be gone! I want to get the kids next round of dental checkups again done also. And then there is Mom. I owe her a little over $5000. I wont be able to pay that much but I want to pay back some, but I also know I will need money ahead for new legal fees since my retainer fee is gone.

But the thing I never did! Was have my vacation beach house rental getaway. I wanted to do that so bad last year. I need to do something special for me, or me and the kids you know? And that is a dream Ive had for years I really want to fullfill for myself. So I keep saying I need to plan it this time! DO it right away cause when I let it sit then later on it doesnt happen.

The house could use some work repairs, but until its MY House alone legally I dont want to put money into it should something happen.

Well thats it for now.