Whats going On?

Dear Diary,

I got out of bed just before 7am today. Kids were talking loud and I just wanted to get out of bed.

Im uncomfortable again. I am in my office now. B is asleep. And I just feel like bawling and crying. I feel foreign. I dont know how to act around him. I dont know what to do with myself. Its hard to talk, I just lay there motionless, untalkative, so he thinks something is wrong. And I just dont know what or how to feel.

We made love earlier yesterday, it was nice, he iniated it last night and I just laid there, he stopped and asked if I was okay, I told him I just wanted him to take charge, he ended up backing off and said he was sorry, I said it was okay, meaning the moment was sorta lost.

Yes I am acting strange. And I hate feeling this way and I dont know how to express it to him. I guess Im afraid to express it because Im afraid he will get upset with me, feel I dont want him, switch back to the cold responses and say “Ill just leave” but then what else can he do right now? What do I need from him?

Just to be held, sympathetic kind words, but I really do not know how to get over this feeling right now, Im almost uncomfortable with him. Last night I asked him to read to me and he did. I started to fall asleep. My TV isnt working right, so we were left in my bedroom alone, with nothing to focus on but eachother.

I feel I talk so much and constantly share my struggles, and I want to hear him talk. Does he struggle or is he perfectly okay? Does he just role with the way it is now and its cool? How did he go from being so far away and distant to being here now? Doesnt it make him feel weird?

And i know partially what triggered feelings. We drove to the store, in the rain by the gym and there was Gym Guys truck. I jsut felt tense, and held my breath.

We went to two stores and I noticed how I led the way with Kids and B, how nobody got a cart, I had to stand there and ask that one of them would at the stores. I noticed how B doesnt step up and do that. Cute GYm Guy did, and why the hell am I focusing on that stuff???????

Like there arent a ton more issues that are important to me? Why am I focusing on these ones?

Im worried that I have pushed myself to fast to be a “Girlfriend” that perhaps I was not ready? Is it that? Or am I just panicing with the intimacy that is occurring?

I wonder at times if I do better when in a less then available relationship to a certain degree, maintaining some space. Do you think a person wants to be that way? I didnt know I was until now, and Ive been trying to push myself, push past my fears, and Im still struggling.

Im sure Ill end up talking to him, Im nervous about it, but how can I not, I feel really weird today…..

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