Getting to Me

Dear Diary,

Well its about 11:30 pm and Im crying. B called me back about 9pm. I gave him the rundown on the legal stuff and emails from Ex. B just went off on this tangent of “So give him the money he wants, your negotiations arent working, so give him what he wants” I was like huh? And he kept saying “Well you seem to think that you have a negotiation chip having the house and that you are holding his money, and what if you dont get it?”

I just sat there, I couldnt talk. I didnt know what to say but I was extremely bothered. Why on earth would a lawyer tell me I can get it back? And B is saying WELL WHAT IF YOU DONT? ANd so Im just trying to share with B what was going on, I didnt even get to finish the letter and what was going on and he went off on this tangent of Life isnt fair, and I may not get what I want.

I told him “Thanks for your support, and what is the point of saying this B?” Then he told me “You arent listening to me” I said “No I heard you, I heard what you said and this is how it translated to me, and Im wondering what is your point and why are you going this route even?” the talk was more involved, a pain to even put back in words. But it just struck me really wrong. I sat on the phone in silence for a bit, the two of us. And he said “Did you hang up on me?”

He then got sleepy on me and went to bed. I couldnt say I love you. I was hurt. I was confused by him. I still dont quite understand what happened, and why is struck me into silence and confusion and what he was doing?

I watched JLO tonight on Primetime. I began to cry right at the end. Things said really hit home with me. She said about her and Puffy dating that basically he was being who he was and is, and they had different ideals and outlook on life, and it was about her and setting her own boundaries and Puffy wasnt wrong for what he was, he was being HIMSELF.

THat hit me in reference to how I feel about B. How many times has B sat down and told me “I dont like how you treat me? I dont like this or that? I wish I could see you more? I wish you talked to me nicer? etc etc” I recall a few times where something has been said and he took offense, yet I never meant to hurt or was aware what happened was hurtful and I apologized and new to be sensitive about these things. But on the other end, Im telling B things, and well they happen again and again. So this is B right? He isnt the problem. I have the problem. Im not content in a relationship with the way this man is.

Its a harsh reality and it hurts and I want to deny it. But it eats at me inside yet Im so afraid and scared of losing this guy. I feel I make no sense.

JLO talked about how she gave up on Romance, that it didnt really exsist, its fairytale movie stuff. And well that is the person I feel I am becoming. B is not romantic, relationships get comfortable. B will surprise me every now and then, but the times are far and in between. THis is the reality, this is real life.

Dating is confusing for me. B and I share costs, But often times it him saying when we are out or doing things “Your gonna pay for this dinner tonight” and I do so when he says that. I feel hes paying often, so I return and do the same. Right? This is dating now? Yet part of me is thinking “My God, pay for me dammit, treat me, Im a single mother of 2 kids!” Hell some guy friend wants to send me $50 for groceries to help me out, but my boyfriend doesnt ask or offer such things.

He has said Im making my boys into Mommys boys, Gay. He has said things about my oldest sons shirts. I made some comment when we were out the kids were in the park and we were spotting where they were playing and I said “Oh theres my oldest” And hes all “Oh yeah hes wearing the Gay Plaid outfit”

He has made several references to things about my oldest, using the word Gay and that totally bugs me.

Hes always making jokes about duck tape over the kids mouths to shut them up, turning off my cell phone when they are gone so I dont hear from them.

JLO talked about Ben Afleck and his proposal. He blanketed the floor of the house in a LAYER of rose petals and candles. She said how she cried so hard. She said it was almost a cleansing cry. That she had cried so many tears in the past of sadness over relationships, and she had this big cry.

Ive given up on romance with B. I just reflect back on past moments with him. The day at the beach when he had me clothes my eyes and put the note in my hand that he wrote to me when I said I was going to try things out with my ex again. How B drove me to the airport and picked me up! When I left to see my ex. How when I got off the plane, he just stood there with that puppy dog look on his face and his arms were where I wanted to be.

I miss the way things were. I miss that B. Where did he go?

Im so incredibly sad. Inside I say end it, but its so painful, I cant even go there at this time. Hes like my one remaining constant factor in my life. The fact that I know hes there and he loves me. Even though the calls often times upset me, I still know hes there?

Oh god I just hurt.

I signed online wanting to write and the local guy seems to message me the minute Im online. And I didnt respond. He kept typing at me. I was getting bothered. He said “Im suffering from insomnia, I was debating calling you.” That upset me more. Hell we just met online and now hes all pushing himself on me and I dont like it. I told him “IM Busy right now” after he sent about 4 messages. He responded with “I guess………night”

Get off my back, I dont like people who are pushy and always in your internet face. If I wanna go out or talk Im fully aware, hes offered enough times. I havent said yes. So drop it! Leave me alone.

I want to be joyful, happy, carefree, optimistic, Looked upon lovingly and gently talked to and treated. I want someone who is great with and loves children. I want someone who can be romantic and take special time away with me. I want someone who shares my good nature, good will, who looks at people with compassion, who can be silly with me and laugh with me.