Cant Stay Away
Dear Diary,
Well Ive been pooped out all day. Due to the sunburn and all. I took a brief nap in the middle of the day. I came home put more Aloe Vera on and grabbed the Bear from B. Am I confused or what?
He and I spoke online today. Its his bday tuesday so I asked him if I could take him out for dinner. He readily accepted. We talked for quite sometime, about our wants in life. He had said he has been neglecting his primary basic needs “food, shelter, security” and he has been neglecting his spiritual side and his self betterment because hes so consumed with trying to keep a roof over his head.
We ended up talking online for quite awhile then on the telephone. He was discussing the time of year and people breaking up. Said its happening everywhere. I commented on 2 of my married girlfriends unhappy in their marriages calling this week. And he commented on 2 of his coworkers got tired of their boyfriends behavior and broke up with them, then he tells me he called his last girlfriend(prior to me) she left him for another guy. And she informs him they just broke up.
Ugh, why does he tell me he called her? I dont need to hear that. But I didnt say anything about it.
We are in a weird place. Of course hes fearful of me not being in his life so hes trying to change somethings. He wants to come over tonight, he already hinted to it several times, and yes im tempted to just say yes. I havent yet. But I dont know that I will say no.
What is the deal. Even Mr C and I sat on the blanket at the beach that day and he said “You were with B and I was with B(yeah his former is a B also, haha)last night.” and he high fived me because we both understood one anothers confusion right now. Its like hes looking and trying to meet others but most dont go beyond a first date. Yet hes still active in this woman and her sons life he was with. But she wants to just be FRIENDS with him, no physical. Hes still holding on for some reason and allowing this. He said “When you are the apple of her eye, life is great” referring to when they were last really a couple, he said this was just before Christmas. Yet they see eachother, do things together, and he was saying how he has to go to wedding with her in the next week. Yet he doesnt really want to go with her.
Does he sound as confused as me? I said to him “There is some reason why we met one another” what it is at this point Im not sure? I have such a hard time being alone that I dont give myself any space to just be with me. Yet at the same time I feel that I dont get to see the man in my life and Ive learned to live in the space.
B said he knows that everything hasnt been ideal between us, but he thinks these are things we can work through and can be changed. I hate this, seriously what would it take for me to just be ok with B? As I say that I feel I know the answers as the words come out, yet I dont want to accept them. I love B, I love him pressed against me, he is the first true LOVER I felt I have had and we connect to well. I feel I sound like a guy, I love his body, his touch, his manner in which he approaches me, the fact that I feel sexual and desire him. Not that I dont feel sexual around others, but with B it comes solely from within me, I dont have to be turned on by him doing things to me, it just smelling him or being in his presence. I feel so connected. I feel so drawn in.
Meanwhile this sweet guy is over here who I have to admit has so many wonderful inner qualities and attributes. and Im all stuck on the physical and familiarity with B?
Im so confused I tell ya, and I cant seem to bring myself to stay away from either of them at this point.