Men Men Men

Dear Diary,

Good morning. Im packing and getting ready to go home. I just have to wait for the bedsheets to finish washing and put them back on the bed, and my youngest has slept in! WOW, till 9am which is amazing! Im sooo sunburned its not even funny, my face is so red and I have racoon eyes from my sunglasses.

I want to hop in the vehicle and just leave now but I have to wait for the linens to finish so I can make the master bed back to how it was.

I feel very torn inside this AM.

B is writing me emails saying he doesnt like any of this or care for it but he doesnt really know what to do right now but he loves me. The words tear at my heart each time I read them or them. I do love that guy, but if I really love him why on earth would I contemplate wanting to meet others. I feel so torn over loyalties to him.

Mr C came out late last night after going to check out a band in Santa Monica. He brought Aloe Vera and made me all goopy! I guess Im scared of myself? Of my emotions? That I am so unsure as to what I am doing. It feels good when you are intimate in a moment, but what about after that moment is over? Like sleeping with B. And last night I came so close to sleeping with Mr C.

If it werent for the fact there was no protection and he is awaiting test results this week, who knows what we could have done.

I guess Im going to fast? Im not giving myself space between men I have ever been with, Ive done this always, Victoria hasnt ever had to be alone. Its easy to say Im moving to fast and tell myself to not do certain things, but I suck at the follow through.

What am I doing?

So I sit here once again and think of B.

Mr C is incredibly sweet and kind and thoughful to me. Yet he just doesnt rev up my heart and feelings like B does. Ive learned to base my feelings for a person upon strong feelings. Mr C is nice, hes safe feeling, hes not dramatic and moody. I guess thats where the intrigue is with B. The very thing I get frustrated over so often, is that which attracts me to him.

Mr C wants to take me out, get dressed up. He spends a lot of time checking out bands, comedy clubs, hes into PR and Marketing and all that and has friends all over the place. His phone is a buzz with people always calling.

I run my hands up his chest and I just feel the hair. Sorry hes a sweetie pie and I may sound shallow and not saying its nothing I cant ever overlook, but to go from feeling Bs wonderful biceps, soft and muscular, smooth body, to this hair prickly chest and arms. Its an adjustment. Im gathering he must shave it or something since parts of the hair were short and coarse as if they are growing in again.

He and I laugh so much and tell the goofiest stuff, this AM we were laughing over the aloe vera plant and how it was all goopy and looked like mucus and were smearing it on eachothers noses and laughing.

Sigh, and here i sit and just want to run to Bs arms and cry feeling like some traitor and wishing my heart could just be set upon him and ok with the way he is.