Dammit!

Dear Diary,

Okay so I was just outside getting ready to mow my front lawn.

God tears are coming out of my eyes right now.

I just heard screaming.

It was a kid. Not a small one but more like around 10-12 sounding range.

He was pleading and you could hear the smacking sounds.

I stood there in the front yard and it was coming from across the street.

I began to run across to the street to hear it closer, then it stopped and out walks the lady who lives across the street.

She is throwing something into her trash stepping outside, I am in her driveway, I said “Is everything okay?” Shes all “Yeah why?” Im all “I heard something” Shes all “What did you hear?” Im all “Someone screaming”

She goes “Nope nu uh” and what more could I say to that you know?

Only reason it throws up so much alarm to me is that its this rental house, its two older black women, Im guessing lesbians, which is no biggie, but they have 3 boys, well I havent seen all 3, it looks like there is 2 now. And from the day they moved in I immediatly thought “I bet they are foster kids” Just because these kids NEVER come out to play NEVER!

They have lived here on this street for over two years and my old neighbors even went over once to invite the kids to a birthday party and even offered to let them use his lawn mower.

See these kids only come out to do yard work, and to go to school.

And they dont just mow the lawn, mind you the youngest must be 9 or so.

And these kids have to mow the lawn with an old push mower, you know the old one that turns and is heavy with the blades, and then they have to sweep every bit of grass up, Im talking with a dust pan, they are literally on the lawn sweeping the grass(Like the shavings since the mower doesnt have a bag) it takes HOURS to complete. And they do the old ladies lawn next door also, but they are ALWAYS watching them, the other boys were more like teenagers but it seems to me I see only one or two boys these days which makes me think foster care.

Anyways,,,,,

I cannot totally verify this is where the screaming came from, but it was totally that direction and then the fact that she said she heard nothing, bullshit or shes deaf, even if it wasnt at her home the screaming was loud as I heard it across the street.

I have never liked these women, have never got a good vibe, and always felt like they were using kids for money and damn labor, you know how you hear those stories?

It upsets me, Im not the best mom, and I yell and have smacked my kids out of anger so I know about losing ones cool. So thats where you also want to be careful, and like I said, its one thing when a kid is acting up, but what if you have never seen children play in all t he years they have been your neighbors?

I have no idea what their names are even, the last name of these people, just the house address. I mean what really can I do? Say “Hey I heard yelling, screaming and pleading and someone getting hit but I cant be sure it was that house, but those kids NEVER Come out to play and have to do labor for hours the old fashioned way?

I guess its just all this crap, Ive read books on child abuse stories, Ive talked to Cutie from the gym plenty as he went into foster care and went through this labor work bs shit some families pull, which frankly I find so fucking disgusting! That people become so called FOSTER PARENTS for the $$$$ and use the kids for damn labor and abuse them, what the hell is wrong with people, these are kids who have been through enough bullshit as it is!

Sorry Im just so amped up right now, I just prayed to God as I feel helpless, but I always remember the book I read “A Child Called It” Dave Pelzer, where he spoke about growing up being severly abused by his mom, and so many times he thought he was getting an OUT, where he told someone or someone tried to step in, and I believe ultimately it was a teacher who got his mom busted, but this wasnt until many years of horrid abuse continued and there was no help.

I was watching Nanny 911 with my kids Monday night and they went into this home of this awesome family. 24 adopted children! And most were the ones that were hard to find homes for, abused, orphanages, diabilities, all these kids had a story and this couple took them in.

I sat there watching it. My kids and I spoke about it together and what happened to these kids, one had been beaten and had brain damage as a result.

And I just sat there, its really weird, cause in moments like that I think of Cutie, he went through a lot of bs, between his own family, then foster care, then jail, you name it. But hes one of those people that I feel has a heart and can see pain in others and not wish for that. You know how some people learn and do not repeat? And others just repeat the abuse they went through?

Having said that he is not an active father in his daughters life, he sees her, she is 16, keeps her photo up, but she has a family and all, and he feels like an outsider and stays in the background. He sends her the usual holiday cards but says its so awkward visiting her.

Yet in the same sense, when he was around my kids, he was very good with them, and to be honest I dont think hed make a bad father. He had love to give I just dont think hes really had a place for it? If that even makes sense.

And I guess in moments like that I think back, I really wanted to foster parent, that was what I wanted to do. I lived with families and then when I got married I really was thinking about it, I went to a place and got th e paperwork, my ex husband was okay with it, we had our first child and lived in an apartment and I knew I needed a 3 bedroom for another child…. but then I got pregnant again and then the marriage crap unraveled and not the best place to be a foster parent.

I guess its times like that,,, where I just wonder, but its really hard to find a man with the same heart to really love other peoples kids you know?