Sorta Lost

Well,
I feel sorta lost these days you know?

What a way to start out the New Year.

My kids come home talking about the adults drunk at Dads place and doing what they arent supposed to do, bs talk, mouthyness and my oldest with a mullet hair cut.

B bringing weed into the house.

Happy New Year eh?

I didnt answer my phone yesterday or email him or hug him goodbye in the AM, I was upset.

He got home from work and looked at me and said “What no hugs or kisses now?” I said yeah to come and give me one. We just stood there in a long hug. We both griped about our day at work, and he went and fixed up some dinner for us. Nothing more said about what transpired.

I was telling my friend here that I have Dr. Laura in my head. I can hear her saying “You women allow this stuff all because of a man??? your children are your first priority, report the boyfriend to the police, get him out of your house, what are you doing shacking up with him anyways?”

And I know it comes down to my values and what is important to me, regardless of what people think about smoking the stuff. I dont want it in our lives. And yes this is an area of concern for me, B likes to drink, B likes pot and has done ecstacy in his past and said he wouldnt mind trying it again, B likes medications and pain killers and has been so drunk and in altered states in his lifetime that he loves the way it feels.

Me on the other hand do not share that same feeling, a little alcohol during an outing to where I feel a little buzzed is it for me. I grew up in an alcoholic home so I dont want that route again either. And I noticed lately how much alcohol is around the house and he drinks. Not that hes drunk or anything, but it wasnt so much when we were first dating, a lot was different.

He came in from work yesterday and said “I need to start going to the gym, Im getting fat, my pants are getting to tight around my thighs, that is bad”

Early days with B and I? Exercise, not much alcohol, more passion, better sex life, get the drift, so of course I look to that. And I told him how I feel Im just holding out for that life to return or something.

He was expressing how this is hard and fearing losing his independence(being with me) and I said “And I fear being married to you and not having much of a sex life and having an affair to cope with it, and then Im right back where i started”

I talked to you know who on the phone some, just bsing, talked at the gym. Im not longing for him physically now, which is good, but I do care about the man,

I keep thinking about being single again and belonging to nobody.

And I asked B if he wants to smoke pot go right ahead, he just needs to know I dont want it in my life.

I guess what I long to hear is his desire for me and having a family and starting a future, instead of griping about the commute, loss of independence, needing to see his friends, etc etc…. to me that doesnt speak of someone who wants what I want. And if I was with a man I felt secure with I would not have an issue in moving closer to his job.