Forgiveness

Dear Diary,

Grrrr, My sister called me shortly after I wrote my last entry.

My Big sister, and she said.. “Can I ask you a personal question?” I said “Yes” She said “Did my husband ever come onto you too?” I said “No, never, why? Did he do it to somebody?” Sis said “Remember what your girlfriend said, about him having homosexual tendencies…well my son told me its true, that on fishing trips he and the other guy would wave their dicks out, and I know they were getting it on… Mom I thought you knew he cheated, I thought you just didnt care, he wanted to get it on with the old neighbors, and he talked about…”

And next thing you know she said she would call me right back. Well thats like an hour ago now?

I called her around 8:30 tonight to see how she was and she was pretty emotional and crying. She was hurting.

But said shed call me later, then she called and that happened. Ive tried calling her back but no answer.

See her son who said all this,, well hes the one whos Bi Polar. Hes 22 now.

My sister and her first ex husband went to see him today. My sister has not seen him in sometime, as he took off to another state, went to jail again or something, Im not even sure if hes in jail right now as shes vague half the time…. anyways her really abusive ex husband called and asked her if she wanted to go with him to see him, so they both went together today.

She said it went fine.

But I cant help but wonder if this crap is true or if my nephew is just stirring up more drama she doesnt need.

Cute Gym guy called me also, he was at his sisters house, up the street from mine. I knew he wanted to come over. I said “I dont think that would be a good idea” and he said “Okay talk to you later”

Im tired, I dont want to deal with anything.

I have been thinking much about this anger I hold inside towards B. That I guess I have not forgiven him, for the past hurts and all. I still carry a lot of pain and bitterness inside from all that has happened in the relationship. The bad parts. Not that I dont have reason to be upset, but if I want to move forward with him. I cant hold this stuff against him and within myself. Im putting a wall up with it. Im not trusting him, even though he is making steps to change things. He really is.

When I pull back and look at his responses now and the way hes doing things, he isnt the same. And then when he does do something thats not so perfect, well I assume its all going down the toilet again, and I just feel he will let me down.

I have to really do something about this within myself, let that go, and all.

Its Easter,, its time to remember why Christ died,,, for our sins,,, and how he forgives us…. and I need to forgive B.

I Love you B, and Im sorry for being so crappy.