Love and Time what happens?

Dear Diary,

Okay so I was doing well, not freaking out,not dwelling on the small amounts of sex, just comfortable, I see the counselor and say how its going pretty good, then I feel weird after, I see the movie Meet the Fockers and feel weirder, and its just escalated.

Why was I okay and then not?

Its almost like I dont want to go back to counseling and see what happens. Like If I will mellow out.

Its that thing I hear with Dr. Laura about how women get together and complain and all sorta encourage one another negatively.

Anyways, my kids came home last night. They were gone for a week and for the first time ever I didnt hear from them. No phone calls.

So I got to my moms last night, they were both mellow not spazzy(they are usually super hyper) Youngest says right away “Mom, guess what, on New Years Eve the adults got drunk and all of us kids went and did everything we are not supposed to do!” All excited. Me and B sorta stood there, I looked at my mom who had that look right back at me.

Then my oldest turns his head, I asked him if he got a haircut as the stop was shorter and the sides were shaved. He said “Mom I wanted a mowhawk” He turns around and its like just the center has hair, like a freaking MULLET!

B goes “Oh great”

As we are driving home my youngest begins to go on and on about his Dad. About how his Cell phone was shut off, his Dad had to pay $200 and wanted to talk to the manager but they wouldnt let him and they wouldnt turn the phone on, said he had to wait a couple days.

B said “Well they shut your phone off when you dont pay your bill”

Youngest kept saying that they shut Dads phone off for no reason, and B explained to him that they shut it off when you dont pay, and perhaps he didnt pay all back that was owed, and it was over the holiday also so it could take time to get service re set up.

Its this bullshit. My ex portrays himself constantly as a victim of bad luck and doesnt tell the truth. Such as his truck getting repossed and he drove it and hid it for months and stopped paying, but the kids just were told that they took his truck and they are all mad that someone just took his Dads truck and that Dad will get it back one day(Ummm yeah this was over 2 yrs ago!)

I guess my Big SIster called my mom last night and asked about the kids and her first words were “Did their Dad get them any clothes for Christmas?” My Mom said “No” My sister got pissed.

Yeah my ex called me and I told him also thats what they need and he said okay.

They got paint ball guns and a fooz ball(however you spell it) Table, B of course just gets disgusted hearing this stuff. He will mutter to me later when we are alone “Yeah nice, he cant pay child support or get them what he needs but can by them a bunch of bullshit”

I was watching tv last night about the Tsunami and asked the kids if they heard about it. Youngest said “Yes I dont want to hear anymore!” and plugged his ears, oldest hadnt heard about it so I explained what happened. Youngest kept plugging his ears and then said “Mom Dad made me watch the Day after Tommorrow and I didnt want to watch but he made me” I said “Hun you just say No” he said “Mom I did and he said YOU COME SIT AND WATCH IT” I told him if his Dad even does that again to just call me. Ive gotten on him with all the movies he puts on for the kids. Its freaked my son out and all now and the Tsunami thing.

I just talked to my Mom who said my oldest said to her last night “I didnt grandma” when the kids were all running around with the adults getting drunk doing what they werent allowed to do. Oldest told my mom he did not.

It upsets me to be honest, Im going to document this event. My ex is in party mode these days, blowing cash on crap, the kids said he spent a lot of time on the phone with his new girlfriend Jen. But said she doesnt live in town.

Im seriously waiting for the shit to hit the fan so to speak. Ex just moved into this nice house in a nice area and is renting a room, just bought another used Jeep(He has 3 other used cars already) He gives me $100 since last month(he is ordered to pay $950)

I called the child support number but nothing new in their system other then it saying it was sent to another search agency Dec 2nd. I also mailed out another form with ex’s change of address right away but I know he can get mail from his old place too.

Just wonder when the state will get on him, how long its gonna take, and he finally sees his little party is over and he will be held accountable.

And B is just disgusted, and I am appreciative, he is paying half of my childs school tuition, buys groceries, takes us out to movies and things, helps with the bills, got my oldest the new backpack he needs for school.

My sisters were good and family this year, they gave my kids some clothes, and they got gift certificates, B’s family left cash for the kids which we are going to deposit in their savings accounts( Well into youngest childs account and oldest will get one opened now! YAY!) So both kids will officially have their bank accounts. Which they are both so proud about. Oldest is actually excited he will open one now as he listens to his little brother talk about his.

And they have a Walmart and Target gift card to use still so they still get to spend some money, all the cash will go into the bank.

I had a night last night, I cried, vented a lot, we were up late, I was just going through a I dont think we work mood with B.

I push at him, I ask him why hes here, what does he want with me. I think sometimes I just want to hear him say he doesnt want to be here and leave. But he doesnt. I feel that I do test him.

He left today to go hang with his guy pals out of town so Im alone with the kids.

After hours of me crying and expressing things and B’s so vague comments at times and us just laying there and finally about 2am we are making love and crashing out to sleep and im wondering why we couldnt have just done that hours ago and avoided all this! I told B straight out he needs to have sex more and hed probably be in a better mood, happier, release his work tension since he doesnt hit the gym, etc etc.

I dont know, I just dont know how things will change. I feel bad he commutes, I know its hard on him, hes willing to do it, but at the same time hes suffering too, and I know he has a good job and I dont want him to leave it, so the only real way we can make that easier is to move closer.

But I wouldnt do that type of thing unless I was married. And then I think about marrying and losing what I have, the house, my investments, and what if things dont work out and where I would be, in what situation.

I think about my hair dresser who I saw on Thursday. Shes in her 40s, her husband is dying of cancer. She has 3 kids, shes an attractive woman, her kids are young, and her oldest is handicapped and will never been independent. Her husband has been horrible to her so the love is gone as a wife, she doesnt even want to sleep with him but wont leave him because hes sick and said she has promised she will take care of him and does not hate him but she just cant kiss and have sex with him anymore, she said the love was killed long ago, she was controlled a doormat, a pleaser.

She told me she is set financially, but she doesnt trust men, that so many men cheat you wouldnt believe, even the ones who you wouldnt think, they are just sneakier, she said she has a nice home, and will be okay financially and her husband who is dying has all that taken care of for them when he passes away. But she said shes not marrying some guy, cause she totally had a wonderful package some man could walk into and she needs to take care of her kids and how do you find a man who will love you and a handicapped child? She said she will date, but no moving in, she wants flowers and to be wined and dined, shes not doing things the way she did in the past. Just accepting what she got and wanting to be loved.

She says “DONT SETTLE!”

And I just wonder does what she express really exsist, or does it all just change with time.

I told B how last year he was dying to hold my hands, to kiss me, flirting with me at the museum and even feeling sexual there (he took the kids and I for an overnighter at an Aquarium) I said I missed that, and he told me it cant always be that way, I said I know but some of the time? That I miss feeling adored in that way……