Letter

Dear Diary,

God I just want to go to B and talk right now so badly,

Just wont happen, we are both at work, I have my appt after work, so I wont be done until after 6pm to drive out.

I just feel like its serious heart to heart talk time…

I kinda want to write a mock letter, I guess Ill give it a try, of what I think and feel and wish or want to say to him.

Dear B,
I have been going through a lot in mind lately.

Wondering what we are doing together?

Upset that you told me you were changing and that “I was the person you wanted to wake up each morning next too” and that you told me you were in for this. That you asked me if I needed to see you more and if I wanted you to move out to this area and I said YES!

All I know is I seem to bring it up. That I am once again doing so. I get feedback from you when I get to this point of upset of wondering what is going on and usually get an answer like “Im working on it” or “Well you got freaked out last time I even mentioned it” or whatever the reason is.

Fact being, I dont really see it as something you really desire to have. If you did, it wouldnt even be like this, the way would be made. When you want something you go for it.

Regardless of my fears, a person has their own feeling about what they desire and want. You desires and wants are rarely expressed, you tend to roll with the flow. If I want this, you want it, if I dont, you dont.

Sure you pick up an apartment magazine, but thats it, I dont hear “Hey, I called there and her is the deal and here is the goal, babe, I cant wait to be near you”

Instead its more like me interrogating you, you getting pissy saying “You think I dont care? I come to see you more, I carpool, I take trips, its never enough”

Which leads me to believe you arent even doing what you want, you are doing what I want. And I really dont hear what it is you want too, if its in agreement with my wants I wouldnt hear you grumbling and frustrated over them, they would just come naturally.

I want a happy loving home, where my kids hear I love You and are held, where there is a positive atmosphere for them. I also want this for myself, and am beginning to see how I have lost sight of that here for awhile.

I miss feeling adored. I remember you used to say “Foreplay starts way before the bedroom” and I feel so empty I guess as of late, which is why I dont have much feeling or desire to make love, I feel like things that matter to me are mocked or made fun of. I greet you with a smile or a hug and out of your mouth spews frustration, anger, moodiness and a critical nature. I hear devaluing of people, animals, and even yourself or myself. Its a downer and it gets old to be around.

I cant be the one asking “When will we be together? What do we want for our future? ” Im frankly just tired, my emotional bank is dry. Im too busy trying to think of ways to rekindle time together, bond, make you feel happier or relaxed, and Im neglecting myself, and Im not getting many of my needs met by me or from you.

Im feeling a lot of loneliness, and its not just because you arent closeby, its because of how different we are. I want to feel supported and stood by and respected for my values. I need praise, adoration, affection, encouragement, positive words and nice gestures.