Woa, had a bad side effect to the Xenadrine after I wrote earlier. My vision was all blurry, spotty, then sorta like rippling water. I did write B and he told me to eat quite a bit and drink a lot of water. If it persisted worst scenario he said throw it up.
I drank a lot of water and it finally wore off. Eeeks.
He called me at work to check on me also but we got cut off.
I didnt write or say anything about anything else. He told me the major area for concern is heart paplatations and chest pain, but it was probably my empty stomach, when taking them and needing to eat more sooner after taking it.
Dunno, I dont know if Im willing to try taking anymore at this point, not with traveling and driving next week of my vacation.
I got an email from one of my long time readers here, Hope u dont mind me posting. Ill keep it anonymous…
“Not sure if you want to hear this or not, but here goes. You’ve
written enough letters and you’ve told him enough times. He himself is even
telling you that you are making yourself too available. You say you
are a special person and you deserve better, but if you are still
crawling after him you must not really believe it. But from what I’ve heard
of your life with him and your other relationshps, you ARE special and
you DO deserve better, so give him his walking papers and don’t look
back. You’ll be happy you did.”
Yes I agree Ive written him and told him enough times, that is correct. Its tiring, its like I think of writing, or sometimes lately when I have written I cringe afterwards. Going WHY?
Anyways, the part of thinking im not special because I go back?
I once again hear that and ask myself that. Either Im in total denial or am lacking some piece of my inner puzzle. But I dont think that is what keeps me there. Its Fear, fear of being alone, and its FEAR of pain, of loss, of grieving, of letting go.
I do NOT do well with that. Im not one who has a lot of history dating and partners, and well I resist pain so much, well breakup pain. It was horrible with my ex, so terribly painful. It took me awhile to do it too.
And well I guess I fear that I cant just go away from B, even if I said the words. Im just being honest, this is me. Have to admit the reality of it.
I feel like i have to just start spending time with others, men and women, and if something comes out of doing that, with another man so be it.
I know it sounds cheesy in some regards. But Im afraid to smack down the gavel and say BE GONE. Im not ready yet. I am still in love with B. I still value parts of what we have tremendously.
It will be an intersting week, things to do, that will not be with B. It will be 2 weeks since Ive seen him come this weekend. And I will be out having fun and going places, and meeting people and partying and just well, HAVING FUN!
So I think its a good time for this, will give me some time to go enjoy myself as ME and get a good look at the world without wishing I had someone to do things with.
I was listening to the radio a bit ago, on my way out to get lunch. They were talking about the concert we are going to Saturday.
I wanted to tell Jami and Really Rick( American Idol Watchers) That they are gonna have the top 10 finalists perform “God Bless the USA” at Wango Tango. Joe McIntyre (former younging JOEY of New Kids and now Boston Public) will be doing the National Anthem.
And a bunch of reality tv peeps are gonna be there. Trista the bachelorette, I believe Joe Millionaire, Richard Hatch of Survivor, Corey Feldman of Surreal Life ( former teen star) And guy people love to hate, lol and many more.
And I didnt realize who Wayne Wonder was, his song out right now I just love, and I looked up lyrics other day, and he was performing on Sat Nite Live last week. Ooooo I love that song. Very good song to dedicate to the woman in your life. “No Holding Back” I believe is the title, but the beat of the song is soooo cool.
Its gonna be so fun! Woohoo! I cant wait! lol To just be loud and sing and dance and watch and just have fun in the stadium.
So today is my last day until vacation! Jen arrives tomm! Wowwieeeeee! YAY!
So Ill be at the airport tomm in LA to get her. YAY!
Im sure we will have lots of tales and adventures to share in our diaries. 🙂