Ok so I feel like such a dodo ya know?
I work myself all up, then B sends me this email from work this AM…
It was nice to sit down and read the nice letter you left me. It makes me laugh that as I was reading it I kept expecting you to say…But….. I have a sick mind,some days it makes itself more evident than others. shrug
I love ya too babe. I like holding you and feeling you pressed aginst me in my arms.
I love talking to ya and falling asleep on the phone hearing your voice. mmmmmm
I like wandering around Costco shopping and goofing off and being silly. I like spending time with you.
muah muah muah
I like that you notice that I always mis spell becasue..lol
l Hope you are having a great day thus far babe.
Jen, its funny cause you left that comment and I was sitting there thinking “Why am I having this issue with trust???” Why am I soo distrustful?”
I touched on this in my last counseling, and she said that after I told her about finding the website stuff on his computer, that she can see why I have concern. Not that I believe he has cheated. I think its more of I wonder if there is a side to him he hides from me isnt willing to share.
A sexual side that he feels guilty about or something? I dont really know what it is.
I started thinking about how B has been since he moved into the places hes currently in. Noticing the sex has changed a lot since he got there, does that have anything to do with it? I dont know? I guess I will see when he moves right? He has never really liked this place he lives in right now. But still that doesnt explain other parts of him.
I said to Music dude “Have you ever been with a woman who had a stronger sex drive then you?” hes all “NO, LOL” and he said there was only one time in his life really and that was with the mother of his child. They were together living together for several years. And he said she was sorta prudish in bed, wasnt into getting kinky or anything like that. So it became boring he said, same ole.
I said to Music Dude “Well I dont really see how that can be it?? Im the one who actually knows more and has done more, has more of a adventerous sexual spirit. Hell I was with my ex for 12 yrs! We learned a lot sexually together and experimented a lot.”
I am just not used to a guy who isnt drooling at an opportunity to sneak away , see his woman in lingerie and be all over it like a panting puppy dog. So that is where B is different. Its hard to have that side of me when he seems so BLEH about it.
There have been several things Ive done with B sexually since we got together. He told me he had never done them, or seen them, and he was curious, and I have done them with him. I guess what it is, hes so quiet about it, he doesnt say much. He doesnt say anything like WOW afterwards, or how he enjoyed it, or anything, so I dont get any feedback and I dont hear him asking for more either. Hes a puzzling fella I tell ya!
He was telling me hes always been good with his hands in love making. He said this the other night as we laid there, and I didnt say a word, I disagree, hes not awful, but hes not that great either. Hes not very oral with me at all. Which I do miss that also. I guess what it is with B, is I have to set the stage, I have to say what will happen, I have to iniate it. He will most likely go along.
And that is where the last straw leads back to the sexual abuse by a female relative. My only other place I can gather where his aloofness comes from. Hes told me she molested him. But I have no idea to WHAT degree. Did she make him do things to her? I just dont know. And I guess I get afraid to ask, but I do know I will be having another convo with him soon. Because the other end is hes so standoffish about veering from just straight sex, but yet he masterbates and views kinky porn. So is he having a hard time sharing that side with me?
He is a good guy. And there are parts of him I totally Love and Adore.
I was talking to music dude saying I wanted to go to Vegas. Hes all “Me too, lets go and have lots of sex!” being silly but I know what he meant. Its like I know Music Dude, a lot about him, a lot of his qualities I admire also. Hell I tell myself if I were with someone like him Id have someone who wanted to be with me more and see me, who liked to run off for weekend getaways, who has a gentle emotional side and can talk for hours, who is kind to kids and cool with kids and has his own. But then theres the sexual chemistry. That scared me as I was just not totally feeling something with him, and hes more assertive sexually and Im afraid Id go back to the other extreme of saying LEAVE ME ALONE! And the smoking pot, getting high crap, Im not to keen on, I know some people do it now and then, but I dont really want that around my home life, I have children.
Anyways, Im starting to ramble, Im off!