Stress Taking its Tole

Dear Diary,

Well I went to bed at about 1am! Eeks! and was up before 6am when i didnt need to be. Its the stress. I wake up and my mind starts to think about my ex RIGHT AWAY. Its bad. 🙁 Its as if I just play through everything in my head. I play through what a jerk he is, I play through what he is getting away with and owes, I play through things he does or says, I play through the woman hes with, I imagining him talking crap about me and she feels sorry for him and thinks hes been wronged. I play through the old church crap, etc etc. Im not proud that I do this, but I do. Ugh I want to cry.

I was driving to work this AM and a fun happy song came on the radio and I realized how difficult it was for me to sing along! OMGOSH! Look at me! My eyes were swollen this AM. From the crying last night. Im breaking out, my skin feels so dry. Ive been getting headaches, and tension aches in my upper shoulder/back area.

Stress is eating me up!

I cant remember if I wrote this in my last entry. BUt I called my sister last night crying. I just needed to talk. I was talking about my ex, dealing with all of this, how I wish I could just move, get away from him. How I cant deal with him since there is no way to manage it? Its like I cant even try to find a level to reason with him, I cant put myself in a different place or level, because he is mentally twisted. I say one thing and hears the complete opposite. I say something basic and factual and he pulls some strange meaning out of it? I cant carry on like a mature adult with the man, or a mature parent who is working together for the good of their children. So really what does one do in my shoes?

Anyways, while talking to sis the phone beeped. It was after 9 so I clicked over thinking it was B. It was my Ex. He said “Vicky?” I said YES? He said “Vicky?” I said YES?? He said “Oh I didnt mean to dial this number” in a happy silly tone. I just said Ok and hung up and clicked back over to my sister. Ahh speak of the devil!

My sister said I need some good times. I hadnt realized in the past few weeks Ive become such a wreck. And the happy moments and silly me that I enjoy hasnt been able to surface. I realized that when I had a hard time singing a happy song on the radio this AM.

How fitting tho… the song chorus for “Im gonna get through this, Im gonna get thru this, Im gonna make, gonna make, gonna make it through this. Said Im gonna get through this, Im gonna get through this, Im gonna make, gotta take my mind off of you”

Ahhh how fitting huh?

Some good news with work, boss told me yesterday he needs to start teaching me more about film. So the part of me that was getting bored with the same ole will now be filled with doing some new things.

Just the hard part of it right now is Im so unmotivated at work. Its basically depression right now Im dealing with. So I need to pull myself through this hump, regain my enthusiasm.

I spoke with B for quite awhile last night. It was a good talk, not that anything new was accomplished. But I told him How hard things have been for me lately, how badly I miss him, how I just miss having him to hold. To snuggle up too and forget about the stress and ugly parts of my life. I used to feel in many ways that he was my “Vacation” from it all. A safe harbor to forget, feel comforted. So I told him how its very difficult for me right now to not have that. I also told him that I would like him to come stay the night Wed next week, he commented on me comign his way since its on the way to my sisters. I said “Yes but if you come down to my house we can have a whole night and part of the next day ALONE” He has roomate, Ill have a whole house no kids. MY PLACE!

Well thats it for now.