Mouthful Entry

Dear Diary,

GoodMorning.

Its sprinkling, been raining here lightly through the night, woke up to hearing the rain.

I had a nice weekend.

B and I talked on Friday night, which I never got the time to write about. But I talked to him about missing him, about how it gets hard for me sometimes, the lonely feelings, and wonder will it ever change. He replied with “YES!” and so I was shocked I guess to hear him say yes! like that. Instead of his old “Im ok with things the way they are”

But he did say “Yes they will change, question is will they change to your liking” Hmmm I said. I told him I dont know, since I have no idea how things will change. But we talked a good long while, I was able to express my feelings which just helps at times.

Saturday my siblings were meeting at my brothers. I thought about going, but then the kids were out playing with the neighbor girl for a long time, having fun, they havent been home much to just PLAY the past month, so I just decided not to go. My oldest sister called me at 3pm. Asked if I was coming. I told her no, I felt bad. I still do in a way. Everyone went, and found out yesterday even my Mom and Dad went. I had no idea they were both going. I even asked my sister and she said she didnt think they were going.

I talked to my sister a bit. I told her ex brought me money. She then went on to tell me that when she watched the kids for him a few weeks ago and they all spent the night at her place, that they were all eating dinner and my sister said somehow she and her hubby were talking about my Mom and Dad. About how weird they are, and my sister said she just didnt even think about what she was saying and my ex there. So she said “Yeah well you know how weird Mom and Dad are??? Its like Victoria, I went to visit her and she barely had any food in her house, mom and Dad are in town, but they wont just buy you stuff, and you have to ask them if you want anything, and sometimes the answer is no” and she said how she took me shopping and how my sister put money in my bank account for me and the kids to buy food.

She said my ex just dropped his fork down, and put his head down at the table. Shes all “Victoria he felt really bad, it hit him hard I think. I think he just assumed you had everything with Mom and Dad nearby”

I thought about what she said later. Im sure he felt bad. How could he not?

But it didnt cause him to think for the past year. He knowingly has sent no support. I even wrote him an email once about lack of being able to buy food and he just wrote back “Yeah I know how it feels!” and dismissed my letter. And then he uses the excuse he was unemployed. The man was employed from Jan-July 2002 and didnt pay me support except for once during that time and he was making good money. So yes, I still dont have much sympathy. A man doesnt just walk away and leave his ex to totally care for all the needs of his children, that to me is not a man.

Sister also said he called her when I asked if he had auto insurance when he was driving the kids around. I guess he freaked out, called her and told her I wouldnt let him see the kids. Which I never said. I just asked him if he had insurance. He was the one who got super defensive. I didnt even forbid him from seeing the kids. He came and saw them.

But I guess he called my sister, and well he said “Victoria wants me to get insurance to drive the kids!” and shes all “Well I dont know what to say, call your attorney” And he said he didnt have one. Etc Etc. Anyways, she said she calmed him down. So guess he didnt have the insurance thats why he was freaking out. So he crammed that weekend to get it, had his aunt pick the kids up that friday instead of himself. And Sunday he had a policy in hand and showed my mom.

So if anything, its good I did ask him about it. Because it scared him enough to go and get insurance.

So on with rest of my weekend. I had to go run errands with the kids, took oldests bike to the bike shop for new tubes in his tires, went to Ross and found some pictures for the living room walls.

Went to the mall to return a shirt, took the kids to Arbys for lunch.

Just browsed the mall mainly, bought a shirt for the youngest, Im the queen of clearance racks, and I find some cool stuff, its just usually here and there so I got him a shirt at Old Navy $4.99. 🙂

I had called B and left a message on his machine to let him know I didnt go to my brothers since he was coming out. He called me back when kids and I were at Arbys. He had worked in the AM, then went to his Ju Jistsu class for 2 hrs, and had gotten home and was soaking in the tub.

So I said Id talk at him later, I called him after kids and I got home, and he was napping, so he said to call him back in an hour to wake him up. So I went to work on my living room walls. I still need a few more items to hang on a few bare spots. But I at least got some new things up on the empty spaces.

In my living room I still need: New Curtains, New Wall Clock, some wall hangings. And I still need to repaint the top part of the wall above the chair rail, and repaint the chair rail and floor board trim. But the painting isnt urgent. I can get away without doing it and it looks fine, I just want to spruce it up some more when I have the time or Im in the mood.

But I know new curtains would make a big change to the room. BIG TIME. I need some color. Right now I have the blinds, and Lace curtains. The curtains dont go with my new decor. Its more modern, clean, and I have more woods, and oriental flair starting to take over the space. OH! And I also want to find a new water fountain so I have the sound of running water. My ex broke mine when he was here with us for the holidays. I was upset at him. But guess its for the best, was a gift from his Mom who I no longer have anything to do with.

So I called B back, we talked for a bit, then he went to get ready to head out to my place.

It was kinda late, so he was going to arrive after 9pm. It was 10. I put on some sexy attire, I was anxiously awaiting him. And wondered why the delay, he finally arrived after 10pm. The look on his face. I said “Are you ok?” He just shrugged his shoulders and the tone of his voice. He said he was driving on the freeway and came upon a car broken down and flames coming out from under the hood. And he quickly pulled over, and ran over with his fire extinguisher.

It really hit B, first off because this happened to him not long ago in his car, and a neighbor ran out with a fire extinguisher and gave it to B which pretty much saved it from totally being a loss. So he said he just felt he had to do this. Karma he said. Time to give to someone else.

But he was frustrated as he couldnt get under the hood and there was no way to get in there. The guy was calling 911 and it was just ringing, and B said the wife was all freaking out saying the car was gonna explode.

So B was bummed that he couldnt save the car, he was replaying how it could have gone different, etc etc. Hes very hard on himself in that sense. You can tell him he did the best he could, but its not good enough to him. I just hugged him, he crawled into bed with me and I had chips and salsa( his fave snack) and a wine cooler ready for him and he kicked his shoes off and got comfy with me. We just laid there snuggled up and relaxing watching tv.

Well later on he caught on to my fishnet stockings under my long skirt, and well it peaked his curiosity to see what I was wearing. 🙂 And well you know the rest.

God I love making love to that man! rrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!

haha

But afterwards my stomach was hurting, something I ate didnt settle right with me so I was in the bathroom a bit. I so just wanted to collapse and fall asleep with B, but I was off in the bathroom, grrrrrrrrr. I tried coming back to lay down, but then the cramps returned, so back to the bathroom. B said “Its ok babe, Ill be here, dont worry about it, I love you”

I get so weird about stuff like that, why? I dont know, but it just helps to be with him in REAL life situations. I feel like I have to be all perfect n stuff. I cant have diarrhea or gas, haha, even though he is so open about his bodily functions or when hes feeling sick and I feel I will tarnish my sex appeal or whatever it is, when he doesnt even give a car. Ahhh gotta love him.

So I finally crawled into bed, and snuggled up and passed out.

We laid in bed till Noon or so Sunday. Kids didnt wake up super early and make a lot of noise, then they ended up going next door to play so B and I had some more alone time ::Wink Wink:: We then got up and showered and ate breakfast and decided to go see a movie. I called mom and she said shed watch the kids during a movie. So I went and picked them up Happy Meals, and took them to Gmas for a few hours. B and I went and saw Anger Management. It was cute, not as funny as I expected but it was cute. They just ruin all the funny moments by showing them on the trailers on tv. They arent funny anymore since youve seen them over and over.

We then went and picked the kids up. Hung out briefly on the couch, B isnt around my family a whole lot, so its just good to start more. Mom told me about the day at my brothers and have pictures. So I then felt bad again, whole family was present on Saturday except for me.

I looked at my brothers oldest son, hes about 14 now. And WOW he looked so different. I saw him at Christmas, but now his hair has grown out, nice and thick, he looks really cool actually, a cutie pie. He has dark brown hair like his Mom with some curl to it, he was wearing a black Ramones tshirt, and he just looked so cool. Hes turning into a young man, the little boy stuff is starting to dissapear.

But I noticed my middle sister, she looks like shes put on weight. And its just weird, Its only been what 2 months or so since Ive seen her? But in the pics she looks like shes getting bigger.

B and I then went home, got comfy, youngest took off outside to play again, oldest wanted to just play in his room with his toys.

Well next thing you know, we are laying in my bed relaxed watching home decorating shows when both kids appear in the doorway and say “B? Can you wrestle with us?” it was too cute. And he said “Ohh I dunno” and they were all “Pleasee, cmonnn” Hes like “I dunno, dont think you would like that sorta stuff” My oldest said “We are boys! We like that stuff! Cmon!” I started laughing and B’s all “Ohhh allright” and off they were.

With Ju Jitsu, B spends about 2 hrs with grown men, and its a lot of using the lower half of your body to lock someone, with your legs. So it gave him some exercise and practice, it was funny. Although my kids are starting to learn how to wrestle and all properly, they still have to learn, but its actually a good thing.

In B’s class they just have to hit the mat if a guy has them in a hold that hurts or if they are done, they have a signal to quit. So he always tells the kids to just say Mercy when they have had enough. Well my little one has taken up faking crying and hes hurt, to get B to let him go, then he walks away and yells “Just kidding!” and so really had to get on him last night that he cant play like that. B had a talk with him about it. And we made him sit out a bit for not playing fair. And the kids were hitting B in the head or on the back, slapping him while he was holding the other one and the other one was running around taunting him. So I had to explain to the kids in wrestling you dont hit people. And so its actually very good things, the kids love the rough housing, the male stuff. And B went through this as a young man not having a male around, and being too rough and as a young teenager having a man sit him down and say WOA! What the hell are you doing?? Because B had no concept of how to play or wrestle, he was going to hurt someone.

So B said “They just have to learn” I told him I know, a few times they would whine or cry they were hurt, wed tell them go take a break, and in 5 min later theyd bounce back and want more.

At one point I asked B if he was ok? Were they too much? But he said he was fine, it was actually good exercise for him too, all of them were sweaty, the kids were all “Ewww the back of your head is all wet!” and so B said to the youngest “Oh yeah!” and hes all “Yeah i used your little one as a towel, and rubbed the back of my head all over him” lol! I was laughing, yeah its gross, but its guy stuff. They were walking all over his back and standing on it, B was laying there laughing, it was just cute to watch. I went and made us all some dinner, and finally oldest got hurt and it was time to quit the playing, those kids will play till they cant play anymore, you have to cut them off, B said he pinned the oldest too tight, I knew he was ok, but B went and talked to him, asked him if he was ok, told him he was sorry, and well it was just cool. My ex has a sadistic way of playing with them, there are no limits, he doesnt listen to when you say No or Stop, he brings people to the point of tears. And then just laughs at you, doesnt care if you are crying. So I told B this is good for them, and I understand the rough housing you get bumped around. So it was nice he went and talked to the kiddo. Hes all “Yeah well I think he will be more wary about playing with me like that again”

So I kid you not, and hour later, its about bedtime, the kids are back in the doorway, my oldest said he laid his blanket out for a mat! LOL and wanted to wrestle! We were like NOOOO thats enough! haha, i said to B “Well didnt take him long”

We laid in bed, kids had their baths and went to bed. And B and I snuggled up, and swapped some massages and I cracked his back.

Its just nice to have him around. I like having him over, I like him in bed with me at night.

So he left about 10pm last night. I went to online to check my email. Mr Obnoxious said hello, asked how my weekend was. I then got up to wash my face and brush my teeth while still logged on. When I got back there was a message from Music Dude saying he had tried to call me. I had my cell phone off when B was over, and Ive told Music Dude to call if hes needs someone to talk to, with the depression and all hes going through. And he rarely calls, so I thought, Uh OH its bad if he called. So I asked him what was up. Well I ended up calling him and talking to him till about midnight last night.

I feel so bad for him. Hes in bad shape. He said he dropped off his daughter, he just lost it, started crying, said he was having flashbacks of his childhood. Said hes scared right now of how hes feeling.

So we talked, he told me how hes feeling so overwhelmed. Asked me if I ever thought about death before and I told him yes that I had, that it is a scary place, that it was not long ago. I asked him about his therapist? He said he saw him thurs, and will again this thurs. I told him to make a call if he cant cope. That I care about him, but Im not a health professional. But Im here as a friend, if he needs to talk, that I love him and want him to know he doesnt have to be alone if he needs call me and Ive told him hes welcome to come up and visit to get out of Hollywood.

Hes not eating, which concerns me. The guy was like 140 pds when I was with him. He said hes lost 15 pds. He cant eat. Hes taking Klonopin? and anti depressants, and he smokes. And its like thats whats going into his body. I understand its hard to eat when you are stressed, but hes been going on about 2 weeks of this. I wish I lived closer by, but I dont. I cant do it all and be his savior I know this, but I also care about him and now how it feels when you are in those scary places. All I want at times is just someone to come over and hold me you know?

Id show up with something to eat and at least make sure he ate a couple bites.

Because he did eat some when we went to dinner that night and he told me hadnt been eating much.

So hes all “Victoria? Am I just being melodramatic? Im so sick and tired of feeling like this, Im alone, I feel I dont have any friends, I used to have my band and my music, and now I feel like I have nothing” We talked about his daughter, I said if anything let her motivate you. He said “Even thats not working, I feel bad, what good am I to her like this?” So I told him if you have to go somewhere and get some help hun, then do it. I dont even know what to direct him towards. Just told him to call the therapist, leave a message there.

Before we were hanging up I said “I want to hear from you tomorrow, Ok? I love you” hes all “You dont love me, you dont even know me” I said “Hush, I care about you, how long have you and I been talking and there for eachother, Ive been in a round in person, heck Ive been in your bed, sure I dont totally KNOW you, but I know enough, and I care ok?” Hes in a dark place.

I hung up and just began to pray for him. I prayed that the Lord would comfort him, that he would be able to reach out to Him.

B had told me was gonna go home and crash so i didnt think Id hear from him. I curled up with my bear he gave me and my ocean waves sounds and was about to fall asleep when the phone rang!

I was thinking it was music dude since I told him to call me if needs to talk that it was ok.

It was B! He got home and ended up having turkey and yams with the family hes renting from ( Yes eating like that at midnight!) They are all overweight people.

So B had some to eat then decided to call me, debated thinking I was asleep but hes all “Ahh worst t hing is youd say you were tired and good nite” which i dont mind if he calls, I like it 🙂 So we talked and well I told him about talking to my friend who was in bad shape. B had the approach of “Snap out of it, life can suck,” and we talked about Music Dudes breakup. B was offering all his advice, which is fine but I said “B, this guy is n ot like that ok? Music dude is emotional, very feeling. Thats why he and I talk so much, because we relate on that level. Hes not cold and hard, hes the other extreme of feeling way too deeply, internalizing. And he doesnt drink at all after going thru treatment in his teen years. So he doesnt drink it away in a bottle. And Im not like that either, which is how B coped for many years when he lived with his Mom.

So we just talked, it was good to talk, we talked about each of us and how we handle stress and all that. He finally got sleepy. And was ready for bed. I went to bed about 1am.

It was so cute, on Sunday morning when we were in bed, B flips over on his stomach and says “Ok look” and begins to draw a little diagram of his new place. Showing me what it looks like, it was so cute to just see him doodle imaginary sketches on my bedsheets with his finger.

Things are feeling good with B these days. Im feeling better I guess, I feel Im having more clarity with things with him. Not saying all his perfect and Im cool with, but I think Im seeing some things better. Dealing with my insecurites, fears, anxiety.

I love B.