Damn Insecurity Issues!

Dear Diary,

Morning, you know Im so freakin insecure that its not even funny. Im totally aware of it, bothered by it, but not sure how to work through it.

So it will be really good to go over this in counseling tomorrow. She told me to start doing the thought record sheet. So I will go over some situations with her. Since its something inside me. And a place I need to really work on with myself, I want to work on it, just dont know how is all, and thats why I want the help. I dont like feeling insecurity and jealousy. And yes Im mainly referring to with B.

Last night in my head I didnt see him come online, call or anything, and hes still sick so he wasnt going to his class after work. So its after 10:30 pm and Im thinking “Hes off meeting someone” at the same time Im trying to tell myself “Big deal Victoria, he can go without calling you one night, its not the end of the world”

So I signed offline and got in the bathtub, I kid you not, 5 min later the phone rang. And it was B. 🙂 He got a package in the mail, new mother board for a computer, so he was all excited and went to work on building another computer when he got home from work. And well, when it comes to working on computers? Thats B’s favorite hobby/passion. He gets totally into it and just focused on it until hes done. I forget about this, when he gets to work on his computer, sometimes for a few days hes non exsistant, he admits hes obsessive and wont stop until hes done.

So I just feel silly you know? All the fears and things I think in my head. I really cannot stand it. And then there is the whole phrase going through my mind “Your so insecure because you dont trust yourself” how people said my ex was so jealous and controlling because of his own issues with himself. And now here I am feeling those feelings! ugh!

He talked to me while working on it, it was nice, and then got in bed at midnight and told me goodnite and that he loves me.

So this AM he writes me an email from work about a room rental, send me a link for the ad. And its super cool, Im talking WAY COOL. Like a house featured on a home special cool. And its near his job. And yeah the place sounds awesome, the couple is late 20s also and in the movie industry. And all that pops into my head is “Oh he will never want to drive out to see me anymore, why would he want to come to my house if he has that type of place? And he will meet all sorts of women coming through there, and … and”

Ugh see what I do to myself? Seriously I hate my mind, I wish I could just turn it off. I can hear my counselor saying “So what, you dont think you are good enough Victoria?” and then I can hear “Well if were to do that or be like that, is that the kind of person you want in your life?”

And well do I even have evidence to support any of my feelings?

I guess I just am at war in the head with myself right now and its frustrating, I want to get through this, and I keep a lot of it away from B, I dont tell him how my head operates when it comes to all this garbage, feel its my issue to deal with.

Things are improving with B, and here I just want to think all these thoughts?

Bleh