Trust?

Dear Diary,

Ohhh I wanna cryyyyyyyy! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Not a bad cry though.

I love when Im not even on the computer to be honest. Theres just something weird about computers and chatting, its so addicting and such a part of life now. But when Im away from it, its really nice to be LIVING outside my space behind my monitor. As much as I love my computer and what is here, I also wish I didnt spend much time here.

B came up around 3pm on Saturday. It was so nice to have him here. He was feeling sick but still came, I told him we could just lounge around so not to worry.

I rented movies and got us somethings to eat. He camped out on the couch all cute. He was a sweetie pie. We went to bed early last night, around 10pm. Slept until about 9am so we both got a good nights sleep. We went out to breakfast today also which was nice and I had to stop by the store to buy some feminine products for that time of the month, and hes all “No problem, Im all about helping with the flow, the flow is a good thing” Saying it all cool like and funny. I was laughing, and he even paid for them for me. I told him he was the greatest as we left, haha but he was so cute.

Ahhh Im just smiling typing about it.

We camped back out at the house and layed in bed, and watched tv, spent some time on the couch with him showing me his martial arts video moves he was so excited about learning.

He actually left around 9:30pm tonight, was kinda shocked he was here so late and thought he was gonna sleep over but knew he needed his work pants and shoes, so he finally said he had to go. Aweeee 🙁 Ive actually felt like crying, my ears have filled up the last 2 times Ive left him or hes left here, the time has been nice, and I enjoy having him around and wish he was around more.

We hugged goodbye in the driveway and he said “It was good to see you too, Im trying hard to make sure I spend more time with you”

Which B has always just been to himself, Mr Loner, so it does mean a lot for him to want to be around people more.

Just one thing he said before he left made me cringe a little. He said “Oh thursday night I have tenative plans to go to my ex Bosses house” Now he talks about his old boss a lot. His old boss was promoted to a different department, B went on about him the other night, about how they email and the old boss wishes B could be in his department, but B cant transfer until after a year, the guy told B “I like you, you can go far here, and I can push you up there” So they joke and talk, and the guy loves B’s sense of humor.

But the part is the guy is gay.

B said “He invited me over and said hed fix me dinner and wanted some help with his computer” Then B said “Hes gay so hes all froo froo with the dinner thing, so its no big deal” I said “B, you just be careful, it doesnt matter, male or female, you never know” Hes all “Noooo he knows I have a girlfriend”

I guess its past things that have happened. My ex husband lied to be when we dated. Went over to a family friends place to ask for a loan, and come to find out the guy was guy and propositioned him for sex. My ex said he wasnt into that sorta thing and had a girlfriend. But come to confess to me months later he lied and had engaged in sex with the guy.

And I guess the other is Jen, her ex husband lying about his male envolvement.

And I think about my girlfriend D who has left her husband, how we have always thought her husband was gay, but nobody ever said anything, 2 women did after she left him. They questioned her and she had never heard that and asked me via phone if I thought he was gay. I just told her “Yes he exhibits gay male qualities but I cant be the judge” He would never “Make love to her” she said, always wanted sex with her from behind, never looking at her face. Just kinda do hus thing kinda guy and hes done.

So its like how do you know? People dont just worry so much about men cheating with women, its men with men too.

And then there was the old employee at B’s other job. The gay fella that used to compliment B, loved his piercings and once touched B’s chest at work. I finally had a word with B after that episode, because B didnt seem bothered by any of it, which seemed to allow this guy to continue.

So I just dont know how to feel.

Guess I just dont know how to separate my insecurities from my instincts?

When is something jealousy, innapropriate, insecurity?

I feel I did good to say something to B such as “Be careful, doesnt matter if its a guy” But then again, where do I trust B and his judgement? Hes the one chosing to go over.

Anyways, just throwing this out there.

Kids are back, they were good tonight, 🙂 My ex grumblingly provided a copy of the auto insurance to my Mom. So there ya have it!