What happened to him?

Dear Diary,

I have a email folder saved. I went through it today. I read all these sweet emails. Things sent to me by B. What happened to the guy I fell in love with? As I reflected at the dates, most of the emails were sent in 2001. Our first year together.

Our first year together was nice. I felt so close, so in love and I felt the same from him. I do have wonderful memories of things he did. But at the same time our relationship was more hush hush with all the ex stuff and the kids, so it was like a forbidden love in many ways the first year? Maybe that increased the passion?

I just read things I totally forgot he said. How he wanted a Serious US? And I was a little more afraid to go there! Just read what he used to say to me, it was beautiful and this doesnt even figure in the hand written letters, the 3 page one he placed in my hand at the beach, where he had me sit on a rock and close my eyes and placed it in my hands. I cried reading it.

What happened? Where did he go?

🙁

B’s letters.

I love you too I am glad to her what you have just said . I know at times I can get a little impassionate.I try not to let things that I say get personal but at times I am flawed.I get a lil too personally upset at things that I see.I appologize.I am still trying to maintain an impartial view or at least an impersonal one.We do have a unique realtionship and one that I cherish greatly.I personally never take well to things being done to people I care about.My friends are a part of my home and I protect my home quite vigalently. I dont expect you to be super woman.I just expect you to try your best, or as best as you are able and let me know where you are.Thats about it.Oh yeah and I expect hugs. =0).I just need to know what you need from me.I am adaptable but i am still not a mind reader..im working on it but still no luck. Loves ya darling Hope things are ok. -b

LOL Just thought Id say that i think we had a good talk last night adn then I

went and had the dream I wrote aboutin my diary this Am.Ahhhhhhh lol…Weird .I

like talking to you.

Just weird things that pop into your mind some days I guess.LOL If even in the

mundane haze of reality there is depth and such…..Mundane aint so mundane

anymore.

“If you only knew you wouldnt love me” I think I will write about that when I

get home today it seems to sit alot in my mind since last night.It is the

dogmatic mantra of those who hide behind walls keeping secrets.The people who

really do care wont be bothered by them the people who are are not worth your

time to begin with.NOt to say that you should tell everyone everything.There is

a time and a place and tact and such but to not do so when the time and place

is right is devestating. what do I know of such things…

I will try and find that paper I was talking about last night.The one I swear I

had showed you about being ashamed and unlovable…it is a good thing, hopefully

I can find it.

ah the road ahead is lined with perils.Some perhaps were i to think about I

would rather avoid.somedays I feel you continue this fight the way you do partly

because of me.Do not mistake me I know it is not for me but I think you would

carry it on differantly if I were not to be a grounding voice in you

ear.Sometimes I am afraid that I drag you into places you do not wish to

go..like last night.I wonder how many times I have crossed a line and you did

not say anything to me.I have put the trust in you that you will speak up when I

over step my bounds, but I have the feeling at times i have rolled right over

and you have said nothing.Not to say that this is totally the way it is , it is

just a thought I am pondering right now and I thought I would share with you.I

have said before I do not wish to harm you and I have to check sometimes that in

my zeal to help you over the wall I am not shoving you into the barbed wire.=0)

Gmorning.Hope you have a good day.Talk later byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

loves ya

_b

so ummm now that I heard the song “Anything” tell me WHY it makes you

think of m

::awaiting B interpretation:::

What does the song remind you of when you here it?

It makes me think about you and ex kinda…LOL…Its a song about a

young girl in love with this guy that she loves more than anything.And this

guy is just an ass( peeing her name in the snow of her front

lawn…?) Not to sound all weird but the chorus just kinda reminds

me of you and I here and the night of the party….=0)

It just makes me think about ya so =0P~~~~~

_b

Hey you we need to talk(not in a this is bad kinda way either…haha sorry I just realized that always comes across that way when you say that..) I just want to talk to you.I owe you an appology for one and I dont feel it best served in a letter, let alone something as impersonal as a pixelated letter.=0) I have so much on my mind lately and I have noticed that I am drifting again, and I do not wish to.I did alot of pondering at work last night.I t was a slow night so I had alot of time.I tried to call you when I got home but your machine got it so you were asleep, which means ya need your rest and all.Im sure you have been having fun painting( I wish I could help ya out, that kinda thing seems fun).

Hiya , I got sleep last night YAY!!!!!!.I so passed out after you made me go to bed cause i was getting too sleepy.Something about your voice just makesme all relaxed and comfy and then top it off with marathon exertion day..lol i was headed for a coma.I slept well passed right out until the alarm went off this AM.=0). It was nice to talk to you last night.I hope that everything is well with you.I know that things are hard at times but sometimes you just have to take a step back and ask yourself whats going on.I think that if you take a real look at it you are better off than you see at the moment.I know sometimes it seems less than ideal but things are working in thier own time.I think you are doing well and the fact that this is hard I think shows that you are going in the right way.you have alot of history and emotions to work out.It wont be easy to do.In the end it will be worth it. I was reading your book and on the recovery chapter there was a section about making your recovery a priority.I have been slacking a lil on this.So its likeI am trying to think of things that I can do to get a lil more on track.I called my therapist and am going to set up appointments.I miss him to be honest.He was a really cool guy.So I left hima message and asked him to page me.Hopefully I will here back from him.I think i need to take a trip to the bookstore today..I feel like picking up some books, or maybe just pouring over some old ones I already have.I can read chess for dummies that should help me.=0P~~~~.I swear one day Im going to pick up a copy of “How to make freinds and influance people” but I think Id find out that i wrote it.LOL =0X. It was so nice to be with you saturday night.To lay out on the blanket and to just snuggle under the stars while Dukie played with his ball a snorting and a rompin.It was nice to massage you too I guess I just got a lil too wrapped up in the “bad massuer” to finish.LOl Next time right?It was nice to just drift to sleep with you in my arms.I do so love holding you.Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Hey gorgeous I just rolled in from the gym and I tried calling ya but I

got you machine.I left a message but it didnt say much seeing as I didnt

know if it was the machine I shouldnt leave messages on or something ….So

I looked for ya online but I dont sees ya no wheres =0(. I am going to

assume that ya was tired and went to bed early tonight . If so sleep well

and I hope the new day finds ya well rested bright eyed and bushy

tailed.=0). If ya are up feel free to call or look me up on-line ( though I

doubt I will be online much longer tonight). I was thinking about you today

and how nice it was to sit down and eat an ice cream cone with you

=0)..silly I know but I really enjoyed that. It is a seldom in dulged in

pleasure for me so I was gratefull you would share that with me =0). You

have me all smiley and goofy today.

I miss ya. Thank you so much for coming to see me today I really

enjoyed it. I really liked that part where you snuck in and gave me a hug

while I was shaving, and then I kissed and hugged ya =0).And the Ice cream

cone toooo..and well the whole darn day to be honest ….hehehehehehe.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr….. come back…LOL….no wait I have to come up then…=0).

Tommorrow will be a busy day. Got a few things to do so its all good. Wish

me luck =0)Cause I gots some heads to bust and a life to move ahead on =0)

ONwards and upwards and such.

Loves ya beautiful, talk to ya soon.



_b

I am still at daves and I just rad your diary for today =0)….

:::licking the orange cheese puff dust off her fingers:::

-yummmmy

Victoria’s Secret Lingerie

– I do hope you liked it

Wanting desire

_ it was quite mutual

A blanket

-It was wonderful looking at the stars with you

Sharing a choco covered pretzel and touching lips

_ I really liked that part about taking it out of your mouth

Intense love making that makes you cry then pass out

– Good Cry I hope? It was wonderful to hold you and make love to you last

night Vicky.I love you. This is like what I think you must feel when I get

letters from you. I feel so flattered and honored that you would say such

things =0)

I will be home soon its about 9:20 Loves ya darling

_b

Hiya darling,

Hows ya doing this fine AM?

Im a lil spunky this am Im not sure why but Im just in a super mood..LOL.I

slept well.Sorrry I was kinda drifting on ya last night I was listening as

best I could I really wanted to talk but I just kept drifting.Its so nice

when you are the last thing I hear before I drift to sleep.You are so

wonderful sometimes.Im sure you really needed to talk more, Im sorry that I

couldnt.You are a great woman and I have alot of faith in you.You know if you

ever need anything that I will help you as best I can.You have freinds and

family and you have you and that is a good thing =0).I dont think anyone ever

thinks the job they are doing as a parent is ever good enough but it is.You

try what you know best and are loving so its not like your heart isnt in

it.You will find a way.I will help you.I love ya dear .Things will be ok.



=0) Smile casue somebody is thinking about you Loves ya darlin

_b

Whatever works for you Vicky. Im not trying to twist your arm.You tell me

what works for you.I am just telling you what Im going to do.You are welcome

here anytime you know that.You dont have to hit the gym with me.You can.You

can just watch if you want you dont have to work out, whatever.Its all good

.Just tell me so I nkow whats going on.I am going to the gym with scott

either way.I really want to see you but if you feel like being alone I

understand that as well.I can be the same way.Like I said please just lemme

know .=0). I love you

I know things are tough as far as feeling and stancing with you and I.i dont

really know what to say to make it easier for it isnt an easy path we walk.I

have been quiet about alot of things and I am still trying to figure stuff

out myself.I know that I wish to see you and sit down and have a long talk

with you.One day we will have a lot to settle.I am in no rush, but I do not

wish to just lay thing aside to pile up later.You seem to be coming to a

place that you feel the need to reach resloution.I will walk with you so tell

me when you are ready and we will deal with this ok?the road may be tough

long hard and dark but I cannot think of anyone I would rather walk it with

.I really dont know what to say as words fail me right now.I just know that I

have come to a place that I have to chose to shut down from fear or to leap

into the unknown……….wish me luck …Im going in………=0)

I want to see you tonight.Please come up.I dont care if you go to the gym or

not but please come up.I really do need to see you.I miss you .I just want to

see you.I want to see your new hair color and to just give you a gigantic

hug.=0).

My god I am just still in awe of last night.How nice it was to seee you and

to spend time with you.How wonderful it was to just drive into the mountains

and just talk.To have you snuggle up against my arm while I drove windy

hills.To come home and snuggle and to talk.To give you a letter and the

little snoopy.To make love to you and to once again be awed at how wonderful

you just make me feel being around you.God I missed you when you left..I so

didnt want you to go home.I was a lil worried that you were a lil too tired

to drive but you made it just fine.

I will be thinking about ya today so smile becasue somebody loves ya =0).Have

a great day and I will talk to you sooon.

Loves ya darling

_b

I just did.damn you..I wasnt going to cry and now I am.=0). Thank you

……those words do no justice to how I feel but I cant think of anything

else.Thank you for everything, for being in my life, just everything, being

you.Being there smiling and giving me a hug loving me for me. I need that

more than I can ever tell you and I love you for it.You honor me as a

person by sharing yourself with me and I am eternally grateful for that. I

only hope to give you back as much as I take from you.

_bryan

Pssssst! Did you read the back of the Journal?

Muah,

From: “B

To: Vicky

Subject: I love you

Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001

Hiya sessie Vicky

Hey I just got your package.Thank you. Im going to cry now.Its my turn.I

cant really even say it. I am just smiling.I want to give you a giant hug

and hold you.It is funny sometimes how such simple words can convey such

strong emotion and truth.I can so hear you saying that inscription to me

and it makes me tear up a lil.God i love you woman.And the candle …Im

touched that you would remember that I like sandalwood.Thank you. Most of

the time I kinda dislike valentines day.nothing good ever happens

and perhaps my dislike of the holiday stems from that and my anti media

driven bias on life but…In spite of that you have touched me today…aww

V-day has at least once special memory for me now =0).

I got your phone message and god It was sooo nice to hear your voice. I

got a big huge ol smile when I heard you on the answering machine. I miss

you. I read you diary today to get caught up and I left a comment but

prolly in retrospect shouldnt have but its all good. Thank you for the

letter. I really do appreciate the fact that you are here for me …god I

appreciate it. Please dont ever feel that I dont. I am sorry that I have

shut you out a lil as of late I have just kinda been having alot of

conflict in my mind.alot of anger mainly at myself for having let myself

fall this far and not having done something about it. Life is hard enough

as it is let alone trying to shoot myself in the foot..LOL. I am laying

ground work for the future and thing look like they will work out alright

for now So it is all good. A lil bit of stress blown off so its a lil

better now.=0) YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go me..and life and random cosmic

occurrences, some days good Karma comes back to bite ya in the asss, for

good though. God it is so nice to hear that you can and want me to share

some things like when Im not doing so well with you =0). I just have been

feeling really down as of late and mainly angry at myself to the point I

just dont know what to do….I just need a hug and some love.Thnak you , I

love you woman…thank you.

< >

whats wrong with that?If that is a long term goal.As long as that is the goal in

sight that you are working towards and Not the immediate step you are trying to

take what is wrong with STARTING a serious US?To start… why not start

it…unless it is something you do not wish to do at all.I for one kinda like

the idea but thats just me.Someday somewhere down the line after things are

settled and all good I would like there to be a serious US.For now there are

alot of personal conflicts and stuff to be settled in our own seperate lives,

but it doesnt mean that we cant work towards an end goal in time…

Just a thought I was having…that sentance left me with the feeling that you

dont want to be serious with me at all.Like its a bad idea or something….So I

just felt like adding my 2 cents.

Loves ya

_b

I miss you. I want to give you a big hug and see your bright eyes when you

wrinkle your nose…. =0)

You ever get those feelings..well I just did I felt that I shuld read your

diary…Dear lord.you amaze me Vicky. .I have said it before and I

will say it again, you honor me, thank you.Darling you have no idea what you

mean to me either.So much more than I can put into words.you know I love you,

and Im here for you.I have been and i will be, come hell or high water as

long as I am alive I will be there in whatever way I can….. I will talk to you soon lOve

Wubs ya -b

God I love you. Its ok. I know.Trust me I am not perfect by any means.I know you love me ya know? I can tell. =0P~~“ Like I have said before nothing good worth having isnt worth working on…or something like that..LOl Im willing to work with you. =0) that means your good ya know =0)

My puppy is in da window a waiting for me.She looks so cute sitting on the window ledge =0).Do you know how much I like that lil puppy?Alot.She reminds me of you ya know.