Bleh Mood

Dear Diary,

Just sitting around tonight feel mopey and sad. I guess it was kinda tipped off to talking to B. I got home from my Moms. Kids and I ate dinner there, and B left a message saying he was home, was making dinner and just saying Hello. So I called him about an hour later. He just said he was watching tv, and not really talking. Im trying to make convo and said “So what did ya have for dinner?” He said “Bacon” I said “Just bacon?” and he gets all pissy sounding, “Umm yeah I had bacon” He told me he was gonna be irritable the next few days switching back to his high protein and so many calories diet. We were just sitting there on the phone. When I called him yesterday about the whole attny thing he was just there, not much of a response, so didnt really feel like talking about the newest stuff with ex (ex wrote me several emails today)

So I just said “So what are you up too?” Hes all “Im getting ready to watch South Park, watching TV” So I said “Well I know you dont like to talk with others around, so you want to call me later?” and he said yeah. I just said bye and hung up.

I was standing in line today at the post office. I watched this couple kiss in line, I watched her pinch his side. I watched them be playful, and I thought of B. How I have become so afraid at times to act certain ways for fear he will be annoyed. Im shutting down in many ways and just look at situations and act a certain way so I dont have to deal with Bs moodiness. And that bothers me, Im sacrificing my nature and who I am. 🙁 Why am I doing this to myself?

Im sad. I talked to my middle sis last night, we talked about thanksgiving. I told her i was gonna be with B but not sure what we were gonna do. She said we were welcome to come over.

So I hate to admit and even type this but its how I think in my head. Im afraid partially to have B meet my family. I feel like they will see him and be like “Why on earth are you with this guy?” But then I feel like thats unfair of me to project how it would go since hes never met my family really. But then again do I want to find out?

The local guy I met online a few nights ago has been messaging me every night, hes already hit me up to go to dinner. He wants me to go riding on his 4 wheeler with him. Hes asking me if I wanna catch a movie this weekend, he asked me about a No Doubt concert. Hes so energetic and doing stuff. The kinda things I enjoy. Yet I just feel hes overbearing. Always saying HEY! Lets go do stuff! Cmon! Im like whats wrong with me? The things I wanna do, but Im kinda EH about him inviting me? I guess its just the chemistry thing. I feel its lacking. I told him I was seeing someone but didnt go into detail. So I dont know if hes totally a FRIEND kinda person or wants to hook up. Last night he invited me to a chat room and introduced me to 2 local girls he knows and has met also. He said one works at the hospital, hes hung out and sat up all night playing cards with her and said shes a blast. He said he entertains people at his home. So do I just give this friend thing a shot? Go have a bite to eat, see what hes like?

I have a free weekend no kids. I had told B I wanted to have a little intimate outing this weekend, and now its totally not even in my mind or something I desire. Foreplay works for me in how im treated in day to day life also. And I already told B I had a surprise for him. But now I just feel bleh about it.

You know what irks me? Is when B says Im gonna be irritable for awhile, or Im not gonna be in the best mood or talkative. I understand when people need to pull back or need space. But do you ever feel like its a ongoing thing and you always have to walk around a persons mood and your supposed to KNOW that they want you to treat them a certain way. To be honest it pisses me off. I deal with life stressors also, but doesnt give me a right to take it out on others with a crappy mood. Sure we all get down at times, but I apologize if Im overly snappy to someone, but to keep people on a regular basis at bay with my mood?

Bleh!