Holiday Talk

Dear Diary,

Well, umm I did write a letter to him about Halloween. He responded with “What time?” so I wrote him back and told him as soon as its dark, we could meet at the street by my parents home, which is where I take the kids every year. Its a really nice area in town and the whole street is mobbed with kids and families, its a large culdesac and very very done up in decorations and lights. Its been a tradition every year and ex did go with us up until the split. So last year I took the kids alone.

So maybe Im nuts for trying this. But Im doing it. I did write him a letter and told him that it needs to be just us(no dates) and that this all for the kids, that the kids need to see us get along, that they need to feel safe. Its a very public spot so we wont be alone. Im a little hopeful I guess? I feel foolish in some regards for trying to hope something will go well. Yet at the same time he could have shot down my request and refused to go out and just ask for the kids all to himself, but he didnt.


Spoke to B tonight, he found out one of his cylinders is not firing on his car. It is starting, but not sure what that means, he was just upset, more work, more time, more money, and he is just so frustrated. He is afraid of losing his job.

I did ask him tonight “what do you need from me right now?” He said “Just to listen and stop trying to fixit, I know I say things that just dont make any sense” So I said ok, but I also told him that when I dont respond and I just listen he often puts himself down, says things to me like “Yeah whatever you dont care” so I feel like he wants me to respond or ask questions, soooo im glad I addressed that with him. In the middle of chatting online he said “WOW, my mom just called!” which is rare. He then said to me “She asked me if Im coming for Christmas to visit and if Im bringing you and the kids” I was like “REALLY?” Ive just met his mom very briefly last year. But his sister lives with his mom and we all went out to eat awhile back, so she must have told his Mom about me. So I said to B “Soo what did you say?” He said he told her “Well I was thinking of coming but just myself, not sure about bringing her” So I sat there and asked him “Well why not?” he replied “Well you like me and I like you and i want to keep you liking me” I said to him “So you think me going to a family thing will make me stop liking you?” he said No. I also said to him “Listen, I did meet your Mom and your sister, and Ive heard all the stories I know what they are like already” he said “True” then replied “So do you want to go meet my family?” and i said “ok” 🙂 At first I was feeling a little bummed like he didnt want me around. Its so strange. Not the way I pictured a relationship to look. Neither of us are that eager to introduce eachother to our families. I mean my Mom has met B several times but its all in passing, and she doesnt even know hes my boyfriend! haha But I just dont talk to my mom like that. I dont feel the need to tell her about my personal life. She is aware of him, I talk about him as a friend and so do the kids. She never questions.

My sisters both know about B and that Im seeing him, but they have never met him. I think what struck me the most odd in hearing his moms words was “Are you going to bring her and the kids?” the KIDS. That sounded soooo weird. I guess its just I imagined them running around B’s moms place and I really couldnt envision that. B and I arent even in that place as a couple where we do many things with the kids, so to picture taking them to B’s family, that just is weird. I would feel awkward to be honest, it makes me feel awkward just imagining it. I went through my court papers tonight and looked at when the kids leave to see there Dad. Dec 25th at 4pm until New Years Day at 6pm. WOW. 8 days. That will be the longest time ever without them and for them to see their Dad. He gets them for 4 days with Thanksgiving. So I told B about my free time.

B and I also discussed Thanksgiving. I told him I want to spend it with him. We arent sure where yet. I could go to my parents and bring him, but part of me wants to go somewhere else. B said “How about Champagne and Strawberries in bed?” I said “Im in!” Then I said “Well I know you like to eat so we will have to go out at some point and eat” So he said “Well what if they are serving Thanksgiving at our favorite restaraunt and we go there?” That actually sounded quite nice. 🙂 I will have no kids, no work and im sure his work will close also. Would be nice to just get a hotel down there, instead of being at the place with all his roomates and just have one nice romantic night for the 2 of us. Or we can always come back to my place.

I was talking about my boss tonight with B, about some work I did and some sales and how I liked making him happy. B responded with “I like making you happy” But then said “Well sometimes I make you happy, I dont always though” It was just sorta nice to hear him say he liked making me happy. I miss his sweet words. I really miss connecting with him. WAAAA im gonna cry now. 🙂 I miss him. It will be 2 weeks come this weekend since Ive seen him. Too long. I miss being close to him.

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