Kids yelling at School

Dear Diary,

Morning. Just kinda feeling blah today. Yesterday was strange for me. It was weird to be home and to think about being single and having nobody to “call” and have there for me.

I went to bed at about 11pm. Didnt hear a word from music dude all day. Our last talk was when I left his place and was driving home, he called and said “You didnt think I was throwing you out did you?” I was like “NO? Not at all, I needed to go, I dont need to throw more on my plate right now” and we both said we were cool and that was that, I gave him a call to let him know I made it home safe, and he was out visiting with his roomie and his friend.

I talked to B a little last night but something is wrong with his new phone line connection, it cut him off about 4 times and he got frustrated and said he didnt want to keep calling back and he was gonna head to bed. He was babysitting! He offered to watch the baby for the couple hes renting from so they could go out to dinner. I dunno, Im just like “Why on earth are they leaving there baby with a guy who just moved in” Granted they have known him for years, I dunno. I just cant say Id feel totally ok with leaving a baby alone with B. I guess the one thing I have noticed is the way B views children. He just doesnt seem to be able to, hmmm whats the word, he doesnt have that warm side, the nurturing aspect, so hes kinda clinical in his approach to things. He seems to see things in his realm and expect others to also.

I think on one hand it is good for him to have this exposure to children, but at the same time, I dunno, its like the way his mind has formed, how he sees kids, how does that get undone unless a person makes an active effort to learn and see things different? Or perhaps he is? I guess I personally would be more concerned B would not be able to offer love and nurturing, hes emotionally withdrawn and its obviously because he wasnt given that as a child also. He was taught to fend for himself. It just makes a person sad what people do to their kids. 🙁

When I talked to my middle sister yesterday she was talking about her therapy this past week. She is going through a lot of feelings about our Mom. And we share stories with one another of things that have happened. My siblings are all much older and grew up together, I was the 9 yrs later baby. Basically the thing she is struggling with is Mom was never really there for you, she is very self serving. She doesnt think mom means to intentionally be mean, shes just so self centered she does things that are very insensitive and often times cruel because she is only thinking of herself. And my older 2 siblings were beaten by my father, and my sister watched it all and watched my Mom do nothing. Yet my sister was never beat and was “good” so she is just having all of these things surface as an adult shes dealing with.

She told me about my Mom when I was a baby and got my first tooth. Shes all “You and I both nursed our kids, we both know that babies get that first tooth and often times try clamping down while nursing and you have to tell them no and teach them not too do that” Im like yeah I went through that also. Shes all “Well Victoria, you were just a tiny baby, and I was in the room when you bit down with your first baby tooth, Mom said to you “THATS IT, You will never nurse again” and she said mom never did.

She also was talking about when I was little how it was at dinner time. Now granted I have always been a picky eater since I can remember. I literally wasnt being stubborn, I have some thing with the consistency of foods and tastes, and if I try to eat something I dont like I throw up. So my diet tastes were quite bland. I didnt have a lot of foods I liked. So my sister said “Victoria do you make foods for your kids that arent always prepared the same way as you like them?” Im like yeah? Shes all “So do I , and its just natural, its not an issue, i dont even think about it” She said that my mother used to sit food before me and I just wouldnt eat it. ANd so my sister said she would be so upset day after day and wonder if I even got to eat that night. Because my Mom wouldnt let me down from the table unless I ate it and she wouldnt give me anything else. I have no memories of this kind of thing. I told my sister that I do remember once sitting at the table. I didnt like what we were having and I couldnt eat it. My Mom said Id have to sit there until I ate it. I really have no idea how long I sat there. But I remember her shutting the kitchen lights off and I was still sitting there. I never did eat it whatever it was, and eventually I was allowed to get down.

Its weird thinking about this stuff now. How many families have the rule of “Clean your plate” and making a kid eat whatever is there and thinking they are being disobedient and bad for not eating something. I honestly tried often times at friends houses to eat things I didnt like. I would have to take a bite and swallow it with a glass of milk and Id be gagging as it went down my throat. So it was very traumatic for me actually. And Im still like that about certain foods. B laughs at me about it, just says IM cute, but I am still picky, nothing like I was, but I am.

Eventually I had certain foods I ate each night for dinner so my Mom must have given up her idea of trying to get me to eat what they gave me.

I guess what is sad is my middle sister was the senstive one who just watched so many things happen. So she feels things very strongly. She has always tried to look out for me in ways I never knew, down to calling my high school without my knowledge and telling the priests to please keep an eye on me, make sure Im ok because of my Dads drinking at home.

I love her, God Bless her. But she just has so much shes dealing with, so much worry and people pleasing and stressing and feeling responsible for things that is literally driving her nuts. But she is getting help now and we can have good long talks about these things. She also told me she did see another man after her husbands death before her current husband. I was relating stuff about B. She said she was so emotionally close to this other guy and they shared so much, but she said they made better friends then partners, but things went differently as the guy moved to Australia so that sort of cut things off. She said she does think of him and they do write letters now and then. But she just wanted to tell me she could understand part of what I was feeling, since B has been there through so much with me emotionally I have this strong bond to him.

Music dude called last night when I was asleep. About 11:30pm. I was happy to hear from him but so out of it. I wanted to talk but he said “You go to sleep ok” and I said ok and just passed back out.

He had several talks with me over the weekend. Mainly about his roomate and I guess the guy is his best friend. I guess his roomies girlfriend left a note under his music equipment on his desk for him. I wrote about the episode last week where the roomie and his girlfriend were drunk and fighting and he had to listen to it all and get him to chill out and the girlfriend left. Well Music dude just found a note 3 days later she wrote and asked Music dude if he would talk to roomie about his drinking.

So he sat there on the back porch with me that night and said “Do you think I should say something?” First off, I didnt realize how long its been since Ive been around someone asking my OPINION or THOUGHTS? I didnt realize how B doesnt do that. I just asked him if the girlfriend didnt leave a note would he feel he should talk to him? He said “Well the guy is coming to my club and and driving home drunk each night, hes drinking all day, I really think he would need to go through detox” Then hes all “In AA they would say he needs an intervention and to confront him” but I dont know that Im all cool with doing that. I said “Well knowing hes coming to your club and driving home drunk and could kill somebody, that is a tough one” So we shall see what happens. When I was there Sat eve his roomie was out and he was kinda shocked cause the guy had been holed up in his room ever since. So he got home before I left and hes all “Victoria! He brought home a woman, howd he manage that?” haha. So Ill have to hear today some time how things are going.

Today is B’s first day with his new job. Hope it goes well. Hes a little worried about his car making it back and forth ok. He said “I need this job and I dont want anything to screw it up” So he spent all day yesterday working on his car.

Is it even possible for things to be repaired with B? I often times feeling too much has happened and I have things that bug me. Like I see him he got off his ass and got a job, once again after I talk of ending things. And hes offering to spend time with children and babysit. Are these his means of trying to do things? I have to give him credit, yet at the same time will these types of changes only occur each time I threaten to leave him? Because well it really seems to be the only way it happens. But then again will he stay with it.

I dont think we will be connecting much for awhile, hes gonna be beat all week with the new job and hes working early all his first week, will start nights next week. So hes gonna be tired and ready to get to bed each night. So I guess thats good, it gives me some space for a bit to really think through some things.

Well thats it for now.

Oh, found out my son yelled at the class friday and had a sheet to write up “I will not yell at the class” I had to sign. : ( Im not sure what he was doign if he was reading orally or what, but he said a fly was landing on him and he got frustrated, I guess he yelled at some point in frustration. Which is what he had been doing with his teacher. So I had to have another talk with him this AM as we walked into the school. Told him he cant yell at people, that if he is upset about something he has to control it. I told him if he is angry save it for recess and go run around and exercise to get rid of some of that energy.

Im trying to jot this down, because it was friday the day he sees his Dad he did it, and I need to start seeing if there is a pattern. He was acting out in school on the days before visitation last year. So I am not sure if he is doing it again, since it was the day he was seeing his Dad after school.

Well thats it for now.