Not Meeting My Needs?

Dear Diary,

Darnit, woke up at 7:30 am both days I get to sleep in and I couldnt get back to sleep.

Been in bed and watched some Bev Hills 90210 reruns. I used to love watching that show.

B got in last night and we spoke online. He said he was feeling blah, wasnt sure what was up. He said he just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep. So I said “Depression?” He said no this wasnt the normal feeling? Well from what Ive read wanting to just roll up in a ball and sleep is a typical sign of depression. But what do I know?

He asked me how I was. And in my mind Im saying “Hes in a weird mood, dont tell him how you feel whiles hes down, dont put pressure on him” then I had to stop myself. Thats a pattern I fell into so much during my marriage. Putting off my needs all the time and making excuses for the way my ex behaved and always feeling I would put extra stress or a burden on him. Sacrificing myself along the way.

I didnt say a lot. I just told him I was lonesome. He asked me to call him right when I typed that online. So I did. I told him before we logged off I didnt know what to do or say. Regarding his mood. I was at a loss for words.

So on the phone he said if he wasnt so tired he would come over. Eh, that is still supposed to feel good? Another “I was gonna?” I hate it when people say stuff like that. If you were gonna do something either DO IT, or shut up about it.

The talk was pretty lifeless, he has been saying a lot “I wish I had more to say but my life is so exciting”(said sarcastically)

I asked him how work was. He said his friend left him to do all the work for 9 people and the guy just sat there. Didnt do anything. Which is just weird. This is a friend of his and used to be his gym partner. I used to be friends with this guy before B and I ever hooked up. The guy has pretty much stopped talking to me since B and I got together. But we used to be chat friends. Then last year B and I drove with him to a job, I tagged a long and he was totally silent and a jerk the whole time. We ended up getting a ride home with others because it was so awkward. B just says its him, that he gets into these weird philosophical boughts of understanding life and is all consumed and acts strange. Dunno? I guess what bugs me is this guy is all gaga over this chick from the chat room, they talk like they are a couple, shes a model, shes young, but they have never met in person. Yet this has been going on for years. I wrote awhile ago about how she said shed come to his birthday and he bragged happily to everyone shed come. Well everyone was secretly placing bets she would not show, and she didnt. I dont like the girl. I just never have. Jealousy perhaps? I just dont like it, she flirts heavily in the chat room, is very sexual. B would describe her as a “Cock tease” But since her pictures are so cute or what have you they all allow it? She and B talk on the phone and she said she is willing to meet him but not his buddy? Its all just weird. I asked B last night “Is he mad at you?” he said no. Maybe hes not, but I always wonder you know? Ive seen B sign online at my place and her Message him with a cute little nick name.

Not that I dont have guy friends I flirt around with, but something about just this one girl I DONT LIKE. And i guess the fact she knows he and I are together and will be all chummy but not acknowledge me in the chat room. I know B likes her. I just dont get it all, its like she is stringing him a long in some form also. B normally doesnt have patience for people who play games, yet they still talk?

His buddy has just stopped talking to me really. I saw him last week when I went by, he was in the roomies bedroom online. I peeked my head in and said Hello and he did say Hi Vicky, hows it going? back to me. Which is progress. 🙂 This guy used to always be very uplifting, we generally would talk gym and diet.

Maybe hes just losing his mind, he does E. He is into Rave parties and all that.

I asked B when Id see him again, that It is nice to see him on a weekend when I dont have to get up early and leave for work. He just said soon.

Music dude called me last nite, we talked a bit online. I was in a sad mood and shared with him how I was feeling lonely but talking about the thing with B, how I was sad about the relationship. He was cool and just let me talk.

So when he called last night I was online with B, he said I could call him back, but I didnt. I was so sleepy when I hung up with B I passed out.

I just lay here in bed this AM. Watching TV, sleeping with the Teddy Bear from B each night, but it doesnt bring the warmth and closeness I desire. I long for him yet I feel Im on a sinking ship. THen I feel perhaps I am making it sink? Music dude said “Victoria, plain and simple hes not meeting your needs”

So another weekend goes by. He said I could sleep over next weekend. And inside Im like hmmm, I will be free all weekend again! And Im gonna just hang out in your room? I remember the days when that was enough, now its getting old. 🙁 Oh B…….