Concerned

Dear Diary,

Just have a lot on my mind today. I have a online type support group also. Ive kept quiet about B, guess Im afraid to say anything? I doubt my reaction?

I dont know.

So I guess this entry is just a sort of putting out of all the things I feel about and see about B, that I dont really want to say to him yet I do? So its safe for me to just put them out there in this way for now.

I love B. At times I ask What is it you Love? What does that mean?

I do have concern for him, he has been a wonderful friend to me through so many times. He has LISTENED most of all to me.

I am sort of gathering together so many things he says, these are words about himself from his own mouth I hear on a repeated basis.

He is a Fuck Up

He is Insane

He is dark

His mind is twisted and that he doesnt think like others

That Im lucky Im so “Clean”

That he thinks he is bi polar or some type of disorder

THat maybe he needs to be on medication

That his life sucks

That he thinks about shooting himself

That he looks at women he has dated and he feels he just brings a dark side to peoples lives and they were better off before him.

He admits he is narcissistic

He is brighter then many people and he gets things and so many others are stupid

So when you walk into his room, and there he is with his gun out, and hes listening to a rap song that he wanted me to hear about this Pimp killing this guys mother as a child and him going to see him as an adult and shooting him beside the road as the Pimp pees and repaying him what he did to his Mom.

B has been on this gangsta rip thing lately. I just walk into his room with cursing and swearing and hearing bitch and all this.

I dont get it.

And B says at times “Yes I know Victoria you come from the land of happiness and sunshine”

I just dont know. Im concerned about him.

He is at another down spot again, finding a new home, and needing work. And that is a trying and depressing thing. So do I just back off?

I want to be supportive but we just think differently. Im all about making plans, setting forth action, and he wants to mope in misery over things or else just procrastinate. Its hard to watch.

I want to do so many things. So its like I know he wont have money and he isnt going to be able to do much. Do I just go forward and do all these fun things I have wanted for myself with others and just leave B out for now? I know how it feels to be down and out and wishing someone would lend you a hand. But then again I see B’s situation being his own doing and he has admitted this himself.

I dont mind paying for things now and then, recoprocating, but I wont do it regularly. I may start having every other weekend free with Ex nearby, he is already planning to take the kids again. And well that will start to allow me some free time to DO THINGS! Go places! Stay out late and have fun. And well my mind is running through all the things I want to do.

I guess its I just feel bad if B has to watch. But then again B doesnt have to sit there and watch, he chooses too stay in his situation and perhaps my living my life could inspire him to get off his butt also?

But I am worried about him. I think its more of his emotional/mental health I am most worried about. I believe whatever is going on with him that part is to blame and is where help is needed.