About this Man

Dear Diary,

Well I feel weird right now, irritable. Kids just returned from their visit and my little one has been giving me major attitude and I had to just send him to his room. I told him I didnt see him all weekend and he needs to be nice to his mother and if he cant he will have to sit in his room until he is ready to calm down and be nice. I ended up taking a toy away because of his behavior and he went in his room and threw a fit punching his mattress.

Ah welcome to the joys of off and on parenting. Plus all he had today was sugar said his Dad as he dropped them off said he couldnt keep them from it at the party today they went too.

Its like we all have to adjust to their return. Its a bit stressful. My oldest was good and said he was good all weekend and rushed all over my moms house looking for me when he arrived.

Ok so what did I do this weekend? I spent the night friday at home alone, got a good nights sleep. Got up early and washed my Jeep, showered, serviced the Jeep, went to the gym, and gassed up. B was gone and would be back later Sat afternoon he said from work, well I had a voice mail that AM on my phone he got back earlier. So I said Id be up when I was done with my stuff. So I got on the road about 12:30. I arrived and he was in a good mood, his gun was out on his bed with bullets, which is kinda odd to walk into. He said he wanted to go to the shooting range since he has been a bit stressed lately and he thought it might be a good outlet. Which I understood, he was going to take me last year sometime but we never ended up going. I didnt really have money to spend on it though and said Id just watch and he said “No your gonna shoot if Im going” So I told myself what the heck, do it! I was a bit nervous. Id never fired a gun before. So he gave me the rundown on how it works at his place.

We go to In N Out for lunch on the way, its a nice day and hes paying for everything. We get our protective gear and he pays for all of that and we head to the range. WOW its LOUD. Even with the earphones on. B taught me how to load. I was a bit nervous still but ready to try.

Finally it was my turn. He told me if I ever am in doubt or dont want to shoot or have a question,etc, put the gun lever on safety and put the gun down on the counter. So I had it ready, I was holding it ready to aim and he says “You need to hold it tight” with a stern serious voice, so I do. I said “I AM” he responded “Well it doesnt look to me like you are, hold it Tight! I want to see the muscles in your forearms contracting” So now I started to feel under pressure and self conscious and wondering am I holding it right? Are my forearms contracting like he said (Thinking of how he talks to me at the gym and how Im supposed to know names of muscles and am I doing it properly) And I just said “I am” and by that point I was getting uncomfortable, pressured, emotional and set the gun down. I couldnt. He talked to me as if I was screwing up and I had never done this before and yes IM AWARE ITS A DANGEROUS WEAPON. As he repeated to me afterwards saying he wanted to impart that to me. I said I KNOW THIS. I lost it and tears just poured out of my eyes. I couldnt do it and set the gun down and put it on safety. Dammit I had getting all emotional like that. There were others around and I felt all silly looking, but I couldnt stop the tears. I was trying to relax and told B I couldnt do it, so he said “Why are you crying?” I said “Your putting too much pressure on me, Im trying to do my best here and your saying its not good enough from what you say, so why on earth would I feel safe doing this then?” THen he tells me he has faith in me. So Im confused now.

I just resigned myself to not doing it at all. He said at one point. Your gonna shoot at least once, I paid for you to shoot. I said at the end NO. He kept bugging me and I said “Look, I dont feel comfortable, Im emotional and do you want me to do this because I WANT TO, or because YOU want me to?” and he said ok and backed off and finished the last round of bullets. It was very awkward for me after that. I was silent. I didnt know what to say and I just wanted to get out of there. I had to keep wiping my eyes and thought everyone could tell they were puffy so I just wanted to leave.

The drive home was quiet. Tears kept dripping down my cheeks, I was trying to figure and ask myself why I was feeling so upset???? It was like a mixture of stuff Ive been reading on the disorders in people, then the way he gets at times, just whenever he is trying to teach me something I hate it, hes so harsh, and I go through one scenario or teaching session and Im done with him. I still want to learn or do certain things, but not with him. And he admits hes a terrible teacher. We got back to his place, and I laid down and I couldnt take it and started bawling and just held him. I then told him I have started to feel feelings of fear of his responses and named off moments of feeling this, that it didnt just have to do with the gun thing, but gave other examples. I told him then we just hugged, He said nothing back other then us getting in a debate over the gun safety and concern. I then made an example to him of the way I felt applying it to his screenwriting. I said “Imagine you write a paper for class, the teacher is a pro at this and has done it , said she wants you to share with the class, stand up and read it, you are nervous but ready to do it, then she stops you right as y ou are starting and says No, dont do it like that, do it better, You said I AM, and then she says “Well to me it looks like you arent” I said to B. How would you feel, you start to loose faith in your ability, at least thats how I felt, then throw in the added fact that this is a gun and a weapon to the situation, Ive never done this before and I just feel like Im not ready nor capable, yet you tell me I am, yet you scare the crap out of me to the point I dont even want to be near it. He said it made sense.

We just passed out, took about a 3 hour nap. I could feel a migrane comign on from my crying. BLEH, the stress migranes I got when I was with my ex and would cry.

Woke up and he was quiet, I wanted to get up, go eat dinner. We laid there awhile, I was ancy but he just continued to lay there, he eventually got up, flipped on the light, sat at his desk chair and just had a blank look. I asked what was up. ANd he said life just sucked right now. Everything sucked, he didnt know what to think about anything. He said “If that is how you feel about me, I scare you and Im so terrible then why are you with me?” I then shared about how at times things wont always feel right, and I feel we need to be able to share and talk, but he was quiet and said nothing and I share things wanting a response. That Im hoping things can change. I gave examples about how at times I have said things that triggered or he was sensitive about, it wasnt that I intentionally hurt his feelings, but that I do care and want to be kind about it and I say sorry if I offend or hurt and want to understand him. He said he just felt like I dropped a ball and he didnt understand what it meant. Did it mean Im done with him now? I said No. He said he didnt know that, I said WEll you can ask also?

We hugged, said I love yous, he said as we left “Dammit you ruined my hot fantasy of a hot chick holding a gun and shooting up things” and smiled. We went to our fave restaraunt, we each had drinks, and just enjoyed our time together, it was romantic and intimate. But he said “Wow Im getting a buzz and now Im going to start talking” and he did. He talked about his Mom, about how she taught him negative things like being stubborn and closing off, he talked about how he loved her and that she did the best she could in her situation for them, he said he respected her, he talked about being 6 and her falling on a tree out front drunk and him helping carry her in the house and it was the one time he heard her say I LOVE YOU.

He then talked about his life, how he drew a timeline in class in high school for assignment, each student had to do one and chart when they were born, then high and low points in their lives. He said everyone did a typical “Hi I was born, over here my parents divorced, that was a sad time, but then I met my boyfriend, and so and so died, but then I graduated from college…. etc etc etc”

B said he got to the board, wrote a long line up high on the board when everyone else centered theirs. Meaning he left space for the LOWS. He said “I was born, then made a huge V saying his whole life SUCKED, then projected forward to him dying and walked away and the whole class sat stunned.

B did a lot of things like that. He was even sent out by a teacher who said she felt he was a sociopath or something and said he made a death threat towards her. B had to see a shrink and he met with this cool intern he really liked, but then he was sent off to some guy who he said he hated off the bat and he told the guy he wasnt talking to him about Shit and told the guy he was worthless and wasting his time with him. He said later on he had to meet with him again and just sat there and the guy said “Well you arent talking” B said “I told you I think you are a piece of shit and Im not speaking to you” and well that was the end of that.

At one point at the table while we sat there talking I said “How do you feel about your life now?” He said “MY WHOLE LIFE SUCKS, IT ALWAYS HAS, TELL ME WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT MY LIFE?” IF I were rich then I would be considered ECCENTRIC and people wouldnt care about how I think or act, but because Im Broke Im INSANE”

He said “You have things that define you, what do I have? I really dont exsist. You are a Mom, you have to children to think of, that defines you” I said “Well I guess when I hear you speak that way dont you think “Im a boyfriend? A partner” He sat there and said “OUCH” He said “You are about the only good thing in my life, you are about the only thing that stops me from putting a bullet through my head” I said “So without me you cant live?” He said “I know that sounds terrible and know its not about you, but its just the reality of my life”

I shared with him how I love him and I said “DO you know my kids like you also and you have impacted their lives already?”

Before I say anymore. I know these are B’s issues, hes dealing with heavy duty stuff, and to be honest I dont know how to be a help to him. I love him, but he has so much going on within him to deal with. He started to say “When I die at my funeral I want people to talk, if people think I was mean and a jerk, I want them to say it CAUSE THATS REALITY”

We had a talk the week prior about dreams, recurring ones. Mine were about falling or driving, his were about violence and killing people.

He talks about how dark and twisted he is, he does feel their is something wrong with him, in his brain. He has said this before.

I guess I just feel a little helpless in this. I love and want to be an encouragement and support, but not at my expense.

We rented Bonnie and Clyde and watched it today. He enjoyed it, which I figured he would.

I then headed back home,

I just have a lot in my head right now about this man…