Gonna Leave Soon
Dear Diary,
Well I leave tonight. Im not sure if I will have computer access or not. They have one but I didnt remember to ask about what type of service, passwords, or any of that. I really am debating bringing my computer with me. But Ill see how I feel come end of the day and if I wanna disconnect and pack it.
B was kinda quiet yesterday, he came in from work last night, and didnt say hello and just logged off, I waited a few to see if he would return and then called. He was very down sounding, best way to put is Depressed. He said there was no particular reason or event. Its just his Life.
Its really awkward when he is this way. Im learning to understand him better with time, that he has these moments, that he says to remember they are just a temporary thing and how he feels at the moment. He said he feels hes going nowhere, that his birthday is next week and hes depressed about getting older, which hes still in his 20s! But he feels he should be better off then he is and all of that. He was upset about the fact hes helped people out financially when he is in a good place and sacrifices his own things and then doesnt get any reciprocation in return. I had told him when you lend someone money the thing to remember is to never expect to get it back, because well that just happens so often among people. You have to proceed with caution.
He talked about how nobody is there to help him. I guess its hard to listen to him in moments like this. He talks about dying. About just his life being over. And I guess I sit there and think “Well what am I?” like I dont contribute enough for his life to matter. I know this is not about me, its his own personal issues. But what does one say to a person when they are like this? All I said was “You need to look around you and see those who are reaching out to you and trying to help, but maybe you arent paying any attention” he replied “perhaps” I asked him if he was coming out to the Valley to see me tonight and he said ” I dont know”
The part where this gets tough for me is I have to take care of me. I have to do what I need for me. He is down often, it does make me feel down. On one hand I want to be a supportive listening friend and ear, but then where do you draw the line? I dont want to just push him aside. But its sort of like this. “B, you have some issues, I cannot help you out with them, you need to seek some help for them” and then i can hear his response “Im working on it” which is just a blanket answer, and then I never really hear much of WHAT hes doing to work on it. So I dont want to sound like Im abandoning him. How does one be there, yet not? If that makes sense. And also does it make me uncaring for feeling like I dont want to be his girlfriend now, that he needs to get his shit together? That I still love him and am there for him in whatever way I can be, but I cant just sit here and wait for him to get his crap in order? I guess the part of me inside says, We will all have down times in life, and how I would I feel if someone bailed on me because I wasnt at my best. But then again, I know I have down moments, but I know that I am making conscious hard working efforts to deal with all that comes into my life. I seek help.
Mr Comedy called me last nite on my cell when I was on phone with B. Left me this humorous message that I got this morning that just made me laugh while driving to work. He said hes going to bring his “date” or whatever you call her and her son by to meet me. Interesting eh? This is the girl that he just cant seem to progress in a relationship with yet hasnt let her go. He says he thinks she and I would really hit it off, being single moms and all. Hmm, well Im game for meeting them both.
I talked with my sitters last night. The Husband commented on how my kids were with them, acting very bossy and wanting toys and things and not very appreciative. I told them that my kids just view them as fun, the more they are around them they will push their limits with them too. They were trying to get them to buy toys for them at the store. Being manipulative. So I told them they will have to discipline them, corner, time out, take something away. Something like that. C and I talked about Ex for awhile, hes quite angered by the way he has been, and feels my life would be better off if he wasnt in me and the kids lives. which I hate to say I agree with at this point in time. But there is the lot Im dealt in life right now.
I also asked about the woman ex is seeing, I know her, but not as a mother to well. Only memory I have was the party I put on at her house years ago and she kept yelling at her daughter to get out of the room. Sitter said in general thats how she is when they were at her home, she would always be telling her kids “Get out! GO away! Go play! ” and appear annoyed at them. I said “Well seeing a man with 2 kids, combine with 4, well that will be heavenly!”
Well I have group after work, then have to get home to pack, then LEAVE. Then next week is the big court week with Ex.