Held Back By Himself

Dear Diary,

Well I have a consultation with the new attorney on Tuesday. I looked him up in the book, says he has over 20 yrs experience. Also my mom real estate guy, well this attorney is his Ex brother in law. So she did inquire about him. You always want to hear about these people, so word of mouth is generally all you have to rely on, and this is a small town. So everything sounds good, part of me is sad to not use my attorney, because of his reputation, but the other part has been frustrated that Im so in the dark half the time. So I just want to make sure Im in good hands. And obviously my attorney feels this since he paired me up with him and said he refers all cases involving child issues to him.

Talked to mom today about the money to pay him. I told her I can pay half of the retainer fee, I asked her for her help. She just said ” You have no choice” and nothing more was said. That means she will help.

My sister also left me money to cover all the fees to get my dog out of the pound and said “I want to help” I have learned to just accept these gifts. She is able to give, and wants to, and Im in need. So I appreciate all of it.

Im very fortuate for the family I do have, yes we have our dysfunctions as any other family, but Im just so glad to have their support. They have all truly been wonderful. My Dad even, despite how odd Dad can be, I think he learned with my other sisters messy divorce to handle things differently. So he is supportive also.

I just calculated last night how far behind for THIS year my ex is with support payments. And this is not counting last year, but for this year he is behind $3,800. And It may even be more but Im just calculating how much since he last sent a check in March. So I have no idea how long it will take me to start getting my support, my attorney said Monday he had to get to work on the papers, but as with anything I feel so in the dark to how it works and being notified whats going on. So Im gonna keep calling. 🙂

B and I talked online last night. He shared with me he was fearful about life, about where he will live. So for some reason hes feeling hes gonna have to move out of the place he rents from. Not sure whats up, since he hasnt said, but he was all fearful of returning back to his home area. And what that would mean and how it would change his life.

He lacks motivation, I notice this big time. I asked him last night “Well do you want to stay where you are?” and he has some hang up with working. I know this, I dont know what it is, and I said “You have to get some help with whatever it is, only you know what it is going on inside of you thats preventing you” he agreed with me but did not say what it was, or if he even knows what it is.

I get fearful of him at times, fearful to stand up to him and point out things I see that are not wise or unhealthy that he does. I did all that in my marriage and I refuse to play mommy, but on the other hand being the total silent other extreme isnt the best option either. So Im trying to learn that balance. So I told him last night that I disagree with his attitude at work, that I dont feel its right personally. That he has something simmering underneath, some type of anger, and he expects people to know what hes doing or talking about, and if they dont they are stupid, and he wants them out of his way. He said “Well thanks, Im gonna go cry now, Ouch” So then I got quiet and didnt know if I said too much? But b told me he threw something at work because a customer complained the order was wrong. So B just took it and threw it. I would have probably written him up or fired him if I was the boss.

I asked b if he has any dreams for himself. And he said as a child he wanted to be a Facist Dictator. He kept on saying that, and I was like huh? Was he trying to be funny, but at the same time is their partial truth? He said he just wants to be king of the world, worshiped and adored. Still I wasnt sure if this was him seriously or not but he kept on about it.

He said he doesnt feel there is much positive meaning to his life. So I asked him what he does, invests in for himself that is positive. And I told him “Staying home, listening to gangsta rap, playing kill them video games, and getting angry at customers for wrong orders and loosing your cool dont sound to positive” I do believe in the thing about what we put into our bodies comes out, wether its food, attitude, entertainment, friends. The whole you are what you eat thing. Hes been listening to so much terrible rap crap lately and morbid music. Ive never been into that type of music so I cant relate, Im more along the lines to throw myself into sad love songs, but I cant really even handle doing that anymore and I often change the radio station when music like that comes on. I prefer self empowerment songs, or music about venting anger at certain moments, but thats still the self empowerment. Songs about being hurt in life but rising above it. Gaining strength.

I really want to be a supportive person to B but I really dont know how to do it, and I should not be trying to figure out how to cure his woes, when mine are so big on my end. I offer my love and support, I told him Im there to help, but I will not DO things for him, so its a matter of seeing can he pick himself up and move forward, or will he choose to stay in this place he is in. I told him he will remain this way all his life if he doesnt do something about it, he will continue to live in this uncertainty. He said he agrees, so its the whole. SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? where he gets stuck. I told him its time he make himself a game plan, what is he gonna do?