Lord Hold Me Up

Dear Diary,

My brain is so full. I have been wanting to write. Yet at the same time I dont. Make sense?

I have to live eat, drink, sleep Ex, Court, Children, In Law, Attorney etc issues all week. It takes up most of my time each day. Even during work. I have been busy making copies, writing up documents, time frames, dates, events.

When I went into the attorney office yesterday with more papers for my file the girl says “And who would have thought it would require all of this?” with a sympathy look on her face for me. I had my little one so I dont say much. I said back to the girl at the counter “Yes, but it doesnt have to go this way, but certain people make it happen like this” of course referring to my ex, and his mother.

Its like you start to feel like your not really in all of this, it becomes so much its as if you are a bystander. You cant believe this is your own life and these things are happening to you. I also cannot believe how truly insane my ex is, it gets worse and worse. I see more and more. And I wonder back at how I was with and believed in that man for so long. Did I really even know him?

It is saddening. This is where I have become the person looking in, its like Im looking at this old life. Well I am, but its so far from me now and you wonder how on earth you lived in it.

Boyfriend said “It could have probably been easier on you to stay” Not meaning I should have stayed but that I was familiar with the stresses and knew how to live in them, and cave and be the submissive wife. Just accepted life is the way it is. Instead of jumping into the great unknown called life.

So with all that is happening, my emphasis on boyfriend issues has been shoved to the side and doesnt really engage me as much when all of this other STUFF gets in the way.

I wonder at times if I will end up stepping out, stepping away from boyfriend. But I know that right now its just where I have to be in my mind, focused on whats at hand. This has top priority. Not planning my next date with boyfriend. And he doesnt get bothered by it, he just rolls with it all and is very understanding and accepting.

I ask myself a lot of things. Why am I in a hurry for things to become more serious with boyfriend and placing so many expectations I want on him? When Im not really even ready to go in a lot of those directions yet? I dont wish to get married at this time. I dont wish to have a move in. So what is so wrong with my arrangement?

If I had someone who was around more could I handle it? My children dont feel like second fiddle to anyone, and the way I have intergrated boyfriend around they have totally embraced and dont act up or try to gain my attention and feel they have lost there mom. So it all works extremely well.

Leave it alone Victoria.

I love my advanced group. 3 of the women are the older wiser, including the therapist who does the group. All of these women started back to school around 40 yrs old and now are getting there MA’s and BA’s. The women in this group are working women, with sharp minds. Far cry from the first group where the women first come in such as I did, shy, withdrawn, somber looking, no self esteem, no jobs, on public assistance. So its a refreshing thing to see what happens when you perserve and do something and gain wisdom from all the program has to offer.

I still wonder “Victoria what is it you want to do?” Career wise that is. I like my job, but I wonder if there is a direction I will settle on and want to pursue. Right now Im just working on being good and what I do and getting my bills paid, taking care of my kids, and keeping my sanity throughout all of this turbulence.

Lord Jesus, grant me some peace in this storm. Help hold me up, at times I get weary.