Love and Respect

Dear Diary,

Well my saturday was quite eventful. I first went to Chuckie Cheese with the kids for my girlfriends baby’s first birthday. She came in from another state and its a sort of get together before she and her hubby and kids move across the US. I havent seen her very much in person in YEARS. But we speak on the phone off and on. (My obsessive friend she is) So I arrived yesterday. She and I grew up together on the same street. So I know her family and plus another friend who grew up there with us as kids and her family also were in attendance. So it was some old catching up time.

What is strange for me is this. My girlfriend and I are one year apart age wise. So she and this other girl were always in same grade, my friend Mrs B went back and forth all our lives being close with us at diff times. I was the goody twoshoes girl with a family who cared, who went to church, who didnt go out with boys, she came from a broken home, a mom who just up and left her at age 16 after going thru a slut phase. Then my friend Mrs B began her sleeping around phase. At this time I was in church, and totally against her lifestyle.

This other girl was well known also, drug use, sleeping around, mouth like a sailor, but she was so gorgeous, and has that twinkling eyes and smile, and one of those sexy raspy sounding voices.

So while the two of them spent there teenage years exploring sexuality and the not so wonderful parts of life. I was in church, then had a steady boyfriend(my Ex) and I got married and started a family.

So I walk in to this birthday party to find these two women Ive known all my life, one the married mother of 2 in diapers. The other newly married, put on weight and just found out shes pregnant. The minute Mrs B saw me she said “WOW!! You look so good!” and her friend P said “Wow, the new single Victoria” and didnt a little music riff “chic a chowww wowww” I was laughing, but in a way it was so flattering. As I left the party we hugged and said our “I loves yous” she said in my ear “You look so good! Its like weve changed roles!”

I have said this before but I am in a strange place. I had kids young, all of my friends seem to be just starting out with marriage and having babies. I have lived so much more then all of them already, but with my kids getting older I have all this newfound freedom also. Its like the world is just starting for me in many ways.

Im so glad summer is close, warm weather. Trips to the beach. Me and the kids. I have all the beach gear, I started buying it all last year, but soon I will have to get the kids swimming lessons, and boogie boards. I look forward to taking the day off to the beach and just relaxing there.

So onto my date, I headed down. I got there at boyfriends about 5pm. The weather was so hot yesterday so you couldnt help but sweat even in shorts. His room was sunny and clean, the housekeepers had been there. We laid together on his bed, he had wanted me to watch this episode of one of his fave shows he downloaded. So we snuggled up together and watched it. He had his hand on my back running it back and forth, when it reached my waist I got tingles. 🙂

You know, its different when I dont see him, but when Im with him I have such intense desire for him. Which isnt a bad thing, but I feel differently when we are apart at times. I tell myself “No more physical intimacy with him” and then I see him and Im aggressive. A trait I never had with my Ex. My Ex was aggressive, pushy, persistant, I often didnt seek him out or desire him sexually since he was so overbearing. I never was able to develop my own desire. So with boyfriend I can express myself this way.

We headed out, we went to see and Independent Film by a Spanish director. “Y tu Mama Tambien” I had heard it spoken about by Siskel or Ebert? which one is still alive? On the radio and how good he thought it was, then I was on the internet movie data base site the other day and it was featured on the front page. Independent films dont usually play in my area, but you can generally see them in LA, but boyfriend said it was playing in his city. So he said “Lets see it” So we did. Boyfriend has been writing a screenplay, so he is very interested in dynamics of movies and how they are put together. So I really hoped it would be a good film, I had no idea what to expect. I new it was sexual but also touching. Well, if you are squeamish about sex scenes and nudity dont see it. It was a bit shocking at first for me, just because Im not used to seeing male nudity at the movies. But it wasnt a bad movie, but you have to be open to see something like this, its not happy fairytale typical hollywood film. But I did like it, and boyfriend said he really liked it, he said it was very “Real” and how they expanded on the characters, and how it wasnt all typcial happy ending.

We then were going to go out to dinner, but I finally told him, lets grab something easy and go back to his place. I had an hour and a half before I had to go home. So we grabbed some food and headed to get Coffee, but at this point the mood shifted of our date, and we sat in the parking lot in my Jeep discussing our differences in being together. I started to get quiet and my eyes filled with tears as I listened to him. The words that stood out were him saying “Im content with the way my life is right now, but this is a issue for you”

I listened to him, I let him share, I let him say all he felt. And to be honest. I Understood, it doesnt mean I agreed with it all, or felt that it was all ok with me, but he was honest in his sharing and It made sense.

I contemplated just saying Id head home and not hanging out, but as we got back to his place( we didnt get the coffee) we sat outside in the jeep some more talking. We said how much we loved one another, how we dont want to hurt one another, how special we are to one another, yet also how we both have different perspectives on life.

We went in, I didnt eat, I laid there on his bed. I just wanted to hold him I guess. So we laid there holding one another in silence. Its difficult to type out all that was said.

But a few things,,

We communicate so well together when conflicts arise. He even commented on this, Im so used to my Ex being reactionary and shutting me out. And boyfriend and I talk thru things, calmly. I may cry at times and feel hurt, but Im allowed to share that with him and he listens. We dont get into yelling matches or name calling.

Also we have great respect and love for one another. As different as we are, we both value what we have with one another.

So I guess it came down to, He has some personal issues, stuff that is beyond me. That he is afraid to share with me. Depression issues, social anxiety issues, he said to me at one point. “These 4 walls, my bedroom, is all I need, sometimes I dont want to leave this space, sometimes I will avoid eating just because I dont want to leave it, thats how screwed up I am and I dont think I can make you understand” I said I did, Its safe for him there. And the way he grew up, he was isolated and alone often times. So he has learned how to live that way. And that was what he was trying to tell me, how he has never had to go beyond that, how no relationship before with anyone has been beyond his own “space” so he is having to push his limits, his comfort zone, and its scary for him. I told him that he does need that time to work thru these things and the help to do so.

I also said there are things I need in a relationship. And I have been tied down for so long, and missed out on so much that I want to experience things, but with a partner, not by myself.

At one point he said “I feel I have time, I see myself living till Im 80” I responded with “I have the approach to view each day as your last because tommorow may never come”

He talked to me very openly, he opened up. About how he feels his perspectives on what is reality are messed up. How he percieves things that go on. He has a very analytical mind. VERY VERY MUCH SO. And he feels cursed at times with it. He said as a child when his mother sent him to his room to “Think about what you have done” that as a little boy he went and sat and contemplated. He didnt go and play in his room but sat down and wondered why he did what he did, what was wrong with him, what could he have done differently, dissecting things in so many different ways”

The evening ended in my eyes on a touching warm note. He was able to express a lot to me, that made sense. He is afraid to share, he feels like hes a freak, and once he shares I tell him I can understand. But he says “Do you realize how new this is for me? ” He said “Victoria, I love you, I love knowing at the end of each day that your voice is the last thing I hear on the telephone before going to sleep, and I dont want to give that up”

I guess I feel the ball is in my court. To decide. He said he will accept whatever it is, so Its either we stay together the way things are right now and I accept where he is at. We go back to dating, and not being an exclusive couple, or we just go to the “Friends” status. Which I dont see the Friends thing happening, our attraction is strong. Well mine to him is anyways.

I have great respect for him. I do love him. And whatever does happen with us, the love will always be there, we even both know this. Its amazing to love someone and not have to fight and hurt one another with words and comments and putting down one anothers qualities.

I took home another shirt of his. I crawled into bed and pressed it to my face to take in his smell.