Club and Boyfriend

Dear Diary,

I havent had many moments to sit and write for a long period of time. I will try now.

Saturday night my girlfriend and I went to Hollywood to go dancing. Totally escaped our minds the Oscar Awards so part of the strip was blocked off. I have been in the new mall already, where the new Kodak theatre is, on the Oscars award. Its really nice. 🙂 So I saw the red carpet and the huge Oscar statues outside. We then went to the dance club to go dancing. I hadnt been in a few years. And only one other time at this place. Funny thinking back, My boyfriend was there that night( he wasnt my boyfriend then, just an acquantance) And I was hanging around another guy G.

So my girlfriend is really depressed as we head out. She keeps telling me how she wants a boyfriend. She keeps meeting guys who pretty much sleep with her then dont call again, or else everytime she sees them its sex, then they are off with other women. So she is all depressed. I asked her to help me with my eye makeup. I just wanted my eyes to stand out more, but when she got done with me I thought it looked freakish, she is Latina, so she did the pointy corners and all that. Im very soft with makeup, I just wanted them to stand out, not look like Halloween, yet at the same time I had asked her, so as we drove I kept wiping at it, so soften it all up.

We got to the parking lot and some dude walks by my friend and says “Damn you smell great! What is that?” then as we turned the corner on the walk of fame to homeless bums yell “Got spare change??!! TAKE me HOME!!!!!” all perverted like.

Girlfriend looks at me “Ok first the man in the parking garage and now 2 bums hit on me, this is depressing” the man in the garage was pretty mangy looking.

So we get in the club. I felt old, It was a much younger crowd. People say I look under 25? So hey what the heck right? But Im going to be 30 here soon.

So we go in and have one drink and start to dance a little. The main dance room had 80s music, people on a stage and some on little islands, a lot of people dressed in 80s attire. We also danced in the room to the techno/electronic music also for awhile.

So Im not trying to sound all full of myself, just stating a fact but she is quite overweight, not a little bit but a lot. And left and right men kept hitting on her. I was like “Wow, what is it about her that is attracting all these men?” and they werent ugly men either. Now Im not saying overweight makes a person unattractive, its just one of those situations you had to be there I guess to describe. So she tells me she said “Excuse me” while going thru the crowd and this guy grabs her hand and says “Squeeze Me?” and runs his hand down her arm to her hand, then squeezes her hand and says “Like this?” then he moves his hand up under her hair and pulls the back of her hair and says “Or like this?” and gets into her face really close as if to kiss her and tells her “You smelll sooo good!” and then walks off. So she was all goo goo ga ga. The guy was standing around the club not dancing and just watching. Friend says “Oh hes just looking to get laid” Yet all night she kept flirting with him and wanting to find where he was. He was cute. And I was like Hey have a good time thats why we are here. Then some drunk mexican dude pushes his package up against her and starts coming on to her and touching her hair. She said she wasnt interested and proceeded to hold my hands, he kept holding on to her saying “COME ON!!!!” It took him a few minutes to go away. So next thing you know Mr Dude who is watching my friend all nite reappears, comes up close to her ear and neck and they are hugging and all lovey on eachother, like they knew one another, not long later in another room he comes over to her again and she goes right to the corner as Im standing there on the dance floor and begins to make out with him against the wall. Now Im no prude here. Shes single and can do whatever she likes, so I was just left trying to figure out what to do with myself. A woman standing alone isnt a good thing in a club. No sooner than 2 minutes later 2 men approach me and say they are friends with the dude who is making out with my friend, and the one guy says to me “My friend over there, he is BADDD! Im not like him, I will behave myself” he speaks with an accent and is a little older then most of the club goers. He then tries to kiss me, I block him and say his buddies moves wont work. He had been drinking, and asked me why I was alone, looked at my hands to see if I was wearing a ring, asked me where my boyfriend was, asked me why Im with my friend, asked me if Im her keeper and on and on, After a bit he mellowed out, told me his name and spoke about how he is visiting from Germany. Told me the differnce in the clubs and the women. He also thought I was about 23. haha, he inspected my neck and hands and said that is often how one can tell a womans age. I told him I was almost 30 and he was in shock. Yet he wouldnt tell me his age. I guessed 40, he seemed offended, so I guessed 30 and he still wouldnt answer. Whatever? So we went and danced on the dance floor near both our making out friends. He started to tell me “This isnt my kinda scene” which it really wasnt mine either, so we opted to sit at a table on the side and just talk, I had drove my friend and she had been drinking, so I couldnt just leave either. So Mr Germany talked to me about his business and how he wants to move here but isnt sure yet. He gives me his business card (like Im interested? ) but I just take it. Before long my girlfriend reappears and says the guy just walked off?? Shes like “He must be off with some chick, or hes found his buddies and they are comparing notes. Whatever dude, I told him I wasnt going to fuck him tonight to give it up.” She said he asked her to go outside.

She asks me if shes interrupting me and Mr Germany. I said NO and looked her in the eyes like “Dont you leave again” so the dude comes to the table. Mr Germany sees my friend has all these rings on on every finger, she is not married. But he insists she is, and the other dude is like “Yeah I know” so my girlfriend gets pissed and walks out of the club. Mr Germany follows me out and Im sayign BYE and waving at him as he keeps following. Ive got my back to him, he grabs me at the doorway and says “You can call me ok?” I just said “uh huh”

I missed Boyfriend. I would have loved having him there. I guess it made me appreciate having someone in my life, and killed a little bit of my desire for going to clubs, its just not as appealing as it once was. Girlfriend is all griping about the guy but then shows me he gave her his home and pager numbers. So out of one side of her mouth she is saying “I never behave like that, hes a jerk who just wants to get laid” then next shes saying “Hes cute, and Ive never had a man give me there number? its always me giving mine” So in her mind she thought it means more. Yet shes been griping about how she meets men who just want sex from her and is unhappy about it, yet she is acting like this with men. I dont get it?

I asked boyfriend what was going on? Why were men swarming to her all night? He said “Im sorry to be blunt, but the pretty girls are often harder to get home in bed, men know this, I know your friend, she isnt that attractive, but she is easy to get into bed, a quick lay, she doesnt have much self confidance and men can read that. Her saying she wants a man who wants more than sex is BS, women who are looking for something real dont just go makeout with a stranger in a bar in public”

I dunno, its strange, I really like her and we have been friends for quite some time, she is always so level headed talking yet critical of men in my life or her mom or friends. Yet for the first time Im seeing the kinds of choices she is making. Sleeping with men right away then upset when they dont wanna become serious then she is bent out of shape and upset, and says she feels used, yet she gives it up right away with men.

We drove by boyfriends on the way home, I wished I just went to his place instead even tho he worked late and would be home after midnight. I missed him and so I stopped by for about 5 minutes. He was in bed and I just hugged him right and told him I loved him, then girlfriend and I went to Dennys. I was sooo tired, I got home at 5am.

Im going thru a lot of self reflecting with the boyfriend. I really do adore him. Yet at same time, Its not that its a bad thing, he is going thru a time of dealing with his past and anger. Internal things, and he acts out at times and I just havent known what to do or how to respond nor do I understand. We went to the work party together, He came over dressed so nice in a shirt and tie, he looked so good and dressed so well. We had a nice time, then had some time to spare before going home. So we went to Barnes and Noble for coffee and browsed books. There were several times during the night he got testy with me, over throwing his plastic for away, or over not remembering he ordered me a white mocha before, or over using reg milk versus soy milk for my coffee. And he would get all pissed off and give me a lecture.

In my head Im like “Damn whats your deal? Why are you making such a big deal over these little things that dont deserve it?” I just moved away from him after the coffee lecture, I didnt want to hear anymore. Its like I ask him a question and I get a lecture, when all I need is input, or a yes or no answer, Im talked to like Im stupid and I should remember then listen to speech. So we browsed books, and at one point we went thru the Self Help aisles, he pulled out a workbook on depression, he said a friend recommended it to him, I then grabbed some book on “What women should know about men” It looked kinda fun and I was in a playful mood. I said “Ok so lets go sit and talk and we can compare notes from the book and you can tell me if they are how you feel as a man”

He said ok and we got comfy on 2 couches with our coffee. He proceeded to lecture me again on what women do to men that are stupid then to say what I do, and on and on. I said “It happens on both ends dear, men and women” he said “Dont care” all cold and ignored me. Its like he is more knowledgable and I have to listen and he disregards any input. That isnt my idea of a shared convo. So I sat there and finally had it with this behavior of his. I said nicely “Would you please stop saying the word about women or myself being stupid by things that I do, I dont like being told that, and it makes me feel defensive” he stopped, held the book still, and said “Ok” and plopped the book on the table. It was awkward silence. We just sat there, I wasnt mad at him, but I wanted him to hear me. He did but he got silent. So no more fun in the bookstore.

Normally I will ask “What is wrong, talk to me, why are you mad at me” I hate these types of moments. But we just had a talk about men. He said something about when men are upset they often retreat to “their cave” something from the Men Women Venus Mars book. And said when women follow men into the cave they get greeted by an angry dragon. So I left him totally alone. I said “Well lets go” We walked thru the store and parking lot in silence, he walked not by me. It was so awkward. In my head Im thinking “What on earth is your deal? I didnt do anything and you are so bent out of shape?” and I knew my insticnts and to not allow myself to be talked to that way. So we drove back to my place in total silence. He was sleeping over, which I thought maybe he was so upset hed say he was gonna go home or something. He waitied for my mom to leave in the garage, then I came out and said he could come out, he sat there and motioned for me to get in the car, so I did. He then got close to my face, said “I love you” and held my hand. I lost it totally, I just wanted to bawl like a baby. I was hurt and not getting what was going on. I was glad he was expressing himself, but the anxiety and wondering during the silence was tough for me also. He then said to me..

“I know that I say things at times without thinking what I am doing. Im dealing with some much internal anger over my life and where I am at in life and Im letting it spill out on people around me, and people I care about and I know that isnt right, Im sorry. Victoria, Im so scared of you. I wonder why you are with me, how did I get to be so lucky, and that Im so afraid of believing that you can really love me, and at the same time I know how I can be and Im so afraid of hurting you by my actions. You are the best thing that has happened to me, Ive never been with someone like this or this long, its uncharted territory and I dont know what to do sometimes. I know that I love.”

I held him and said I loved him to, but also talked to him about how he expects other people to know what he is thinking and gets so impatient over it. I said “When you noticed a fork was missing, why not ask for another? When I asked if I had this coffee drink before why not say yes or no? Why give me a lecture and question me on every drink youve ever bought me? Why go to all that trouble, these arent things to get upset over. Im not fighting you, Im open and wanting to learn about you and so there is no reason for you to speak to me like that. He then said he felt uncomfortable at the work party. I didnt ask why or what that meant. I guess I just didnt care to go there, whatever his reason was is his deal, its not for me to apologize for or make better or fix. He has some personal things to figure out, his poor and negative self image of himself is a big one. And its something he is expressing because its how he feels inside. Yet blames others for it, when he projects it.

The talk was good, we hugged and held one another in the garage. I told him when he explains things to me I can understand better where he is coming from. I said when he gets quiet and says nothing all I can do is fill int he blanks and wonder. That its cool if he needs time to cool down, but eventually we need to talk thru things and come to some sort of compromise or solution to what is at hand. He agreed. And we went inside and snuggled up together and I fell right to sleep.

He stayed awhile today and came to work and had lunch with me there. He has a long road of self work also. I just pray he sees the need to really get to work on it. I do care greatly about him and love the man. But I also have to think of me and what is healthy for me and how much of this I will allow to go on before it changes or Ive had enough.