Why did I?

Dear Diary,

Well here I sit in my gym attire with a blanket around me to keep me snuggly. Its cooling down here, there has been some rain and its cloudy.

After I phoned the ex’s voice mail last nite and left a message reading off his email to state the children would be returned to my mothers in his own words, signed by him, using his work email acct, he called back while I was out to dinner and Nicely but Cocky said “Yes you are right Victoria, I did send you that email, but you forget we had a phone conversation the other night where I told you I would leave them at my relatives, but now I know next time to make sure its done with an email” And he hung up.

My mother said “Wow such a change” Ah Im still skeptical, Ill wait till the drop off to see if he truly does leave them at my parents house.

I have to stop for one second and let out some deep hurt within myself, some anger also.

WHY DID I MARRY SUCH A UGLY MAN INSIDE!!!!!! HOW COULD I HAVE SPENT SO MANY YEARS WITH THAT!????

The group moderator explains it like this.. “If you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water, then gradually turn up the heat slowly, he will never notice nor get out of the water, instead he will cook himself”

We are told that abuse is gradual, you begin to become numb. It happens over years, and progressives, often times you are isolated from others so this is all you know. So you dont really even see what is happening to you.

After a little over a year of not living with that man, I can see so much, but still it took almost that full year for a lot of things to be reprogrammed in my head. Things that I allowed to happen in my life, things he did, ways he treated me, etc. I didnt know any different and I accepted them. When now many were forms of abuse.

Its just hard to believe after 14 yrs with a person they can turn so ugly. 🙁 In his mind he is the victim and he is spouting off to whomever will listen his sob stories. I know whats inside, not sure how many family members or friends of his can see it. But I cant let their opionions of me hinder me. I know the truth, and with time, his actions will be made public and legal actions will speak against him if he keeps up this chirade.

Do you think once its legalized in writing he will stop all of this????

I really dont know. I hope it would scare him enough to do so, but you never know.

Im still being nice, He called and wanted to come by and gets some machinery out of the garage. I told him that was fine and to set a time. He was bringing a relative, but it didnt matter. I DID NOT WANT TO BE HERE. I dont need to leave him any edge to try and mess with me, relative or not, it doesnt matter, thats not stopped him in the past either. That is why I have stopped being anywhere around him and prearranged drops offs for the children so I am not in sight when he arrives.

I was nervous praying he wouldnt show up early so I took off to the gym and to the store, I drove by the house the backway in case he was still here so I could just pass and come back later. Whew, he was gone.

I came back home, he used the padlock on the garage which I dont ever use, the area is ok, I just use the slide lock, and I havent used the padlock in so long. So I tried to open it, I was sure I remember the combo, but nothing worked. Why did he lock it anyways? I left it off.

So I called him and asked him the combo, he said the same numbers I tried. I said “Its not opening” Then I started to wonder. Did he change the lock? Did he mess with it? I mean why wouldnt I think such things after everything hes done.

He said “No Victoria! I had two family members with me. I didnt do anything to it!” I said “You are sure you arent screwing with me? I cant get it to open” He said again “NO, the combo is #### ” and hung up on me. So I headed back out to the drive way and tried the combo again. I yanked on it. Nothing, So I began to shake it and pull really hard, and YAY! I got it loose. So it must have just jammed after all that time sitting. I wanted to call back and tell him “Hey I got it open, it was just stuck, sorry” But I sat there and said “Victoria, what good will it do, hes off bitching about you right now for calling and saying he screwed with it, Seriously what will your sorry do but feed his controlling ego?”

I have played Mrs Nice, it doesnt work. Its not that Im being mean. Im just avoiding anything extra because at this point, his head is in some other place.

Hes so ugly inside. I married him! I lived with that for so long and I always felt like something was wrong with ME, the marriage didnt work because I wasnt a godly enough wife. I didnt even realize what was happening to me, you begin to feel you are going crazy. I remember crying in the dark on the laundry room floor, leaning against the washing machine, tears pouring down my face, my head pounding with a stress migrane and crying out to God for help and asking him What is going on?

I knew things werent right, but I shouldered the blame for so long.

So about my evening. I ended up going out to dinner with a girlfriend. Which was nice, we of course talked about Men. Shes always fun to be around, we laugh quite a bit. I got back home just in time to head to boyfriends house. He was working, and told me he would be home around 9:30-10. So I had said I would arrive around 10. So I got there about 10:17. I called before I knocked to make sure he was home. His voice was really cold. I said are you ok? he said Yeah but was all monotone. I walked in and up the stairs to find him curled up in his bed in the dark in a ball facing the wall. Not anything Im used to arriving too. I said “Why are you in the dark? Is everything ok? Have a bad evening?” He said “no, I was just tired” but his tone was still distant. Something was up.

I felt a little nervous and sat beside him on the bed and put my hand on him. He then said “I though you would be here when I got home. I got home at 8:50” I responded “Well we just spoke today, and I said Id be here at 10pm” he didnt comment any further. I laid down beside him and we just snuggled up and layed there. I wasnt sure what was up with him, and I did nothing wrong, so I didnt say anything else to him. We laid in silence for a bit, then he asked me how my evening went. I told him I went to dinner with a girlfriend. I asked him if he ate. He said No. I said “Well then why dont we leave and go get you something” he was all indifferent saying “Its too late to eat” he was still so blah. Then it hit me, he is similar to me, I get low blood sugar when I dont eat a meal, or have enough protein, which in turn affects my mood, I can be very irritable, down, lack concentration. Boyfriend is same way. I said ” You need to eat something, do you have anything down stairs?” I went and got him a container of yogurt. He lauged at me. I said “Why are you laughing?” He said “Well your in my home going to get me yogurt for me cause Im all out of it” I just said “Shhh Ill be right back and feed you so we can restore your lost brain cells” haha and I took off down stairs.

He ate and I sat there, soon his mood picked right back up and he was his old self. Ive seen him when he doesnt eat, I understand it, Im the same way. So I didnt let anything bug me.

He did say his roomate hasnt spoken to him in 3 days. Uh oh. He said “I dont know whats up with her, I know she has a new job and all and is busy” He said the trash hasnt been collected in 2 weeks, and plus she put a block on long distance calls. So we both assumed she is struggling financially with the townhome she owns?

Soon later the man she is seeing came over. Hes my age and shes a bit older than him. Boyfriend and I are both skeptical about him. But we both just watch and keep our mouths shut. Cause we know when someone is in love and you try to just share your instincts or whatever about a person, they will usually be offended, and BOyfriend said “This is my home, I dont want to jeopardize that. She is a grown woman. She will figure it out” So he came over, and then they had sex, it was kinda funny and weird all at once. Im one of those people who finds hearing others a turn on. But he and I already had been intimate and were snuggled up drifting off to sleep. Then I was awoken, haha they and it was HIM that was the noisy sex partner.

Boyfriend said “Roomies gettin her groove on” haha and we went back to sleep and held eachother. I slept really good, I always do with him, we slept in till about 10am. I said to Boyfriend since the house was quiet and I didnt hear any voices from the other room “Does he still leave her at 5am and not stay all night?” he said “Yeah, which isnt a good sign” 🙁 The guy comes over late, sleeps with her, leaves before the morning comes. Why?

And she has never been to his house. Anyways, Ill be quiet. I just pray to GOd he doesnt screw with her big time. Shes such a cool woman.

Boyfriend and I went to our fave restaraunt for lunch. We sat together in a booth, he had to get to work at 1. Which is right next door. So we went into his work he still had 30 min. He put some stuff away and I waited up front. All the girl employees looked at me. Then smiled. We then went outside to one of the little coffee shop outdoor tables, sat in the sun and had coffee and held hands. It was actually really nice, very relaxing. He lives in a major yuppie area of town. A lot of people who are into status and money, but the area is so clean and classy, so its a nice place to just sit in. Nothing like where I am from and the people you encounter.

After he got my coffee he came to sit down and said “I got questioned by the girls at work “You have a girlfriend???” haha he said “Yeah” They all 3 jumped in all nosey ” I didnt know you had a girlfriend, for how long?” he said “Oh about a year and 3 mos” they were like “No way! I thought you said you were single??” He said “Well I was at one time” LOL hes so funny. See we have dated that long, we never called ourselves an official couple, but we may have well. And then I stopped seeing him from Oct-Dec, but we still spoke, we knew we were still close with this incredible bond. But I had so much to figure out still.

I did have a nice time with him. I am glad I went. I feel a little better, and tommorow he will be coming out for the Oscar event. Im gonna dress nice, will be first time I think he will see me dressed up. 🙂 Cant wait!

I kissed him goodbye out in front of his work as the sun was shining on us. We said I love yous.

🙂