Commitment Phobe

Dear Diary,

Well I just called the number on the house for sale. DANG! Prices have gone up!

The house is so cute. Its 1937. Small, 2 bed 1 bath.

But the $139,000 price I was SOOO not expecting. I didnt ask any further questions. She asked if I wanted to look at it. Its adorable but its just too small. I need at least 3 bedrooms with my kiddos.

Ohhh but its so the right time/era of homes I love, waaaaaaaa

I called and scheduled a nail appt, so I get a french manicure Thurs! And Friday I get my hair colored, highlighted, trimmed, and straightened(temporarily of course)

And its like, Wow, all prettied up and nowhere to go?

I could go to dinner with Gym guy, but well, last night had a talk with him, it wasnt fun. But just told him we wont work out.

Ill go more into that later, I do want to go out with him to dinner, but he wants a relationship with me, I keep telling him I cant, Im not in that place, then he comes back and tells me “Okay, Ill take whatever I can get, jsut to be around you” and I just dont think thats smart. Hes more hung up and interested in me, I feel bad. And hes not listening to me, he keeps pushing it.

I was dealing with a lot yesterday, went to Barnes and Noble and picked up a recommended book on Commitment recommended by a guy pal on my abuse site.

I picked it up and a Godiva chocolate bar and indulged. Ive been so bad, you know ever since that episode before New Years with Gym dude my comfort eating problem has been back and in full force.

I debated the gym, but went, took my book to read while doing cardio and immersed myself in it. Gym guy had been calling me, had left 3 messages since I saw him Sunday night. I just couldnt answer, I couldnt call back, I didnt know what to say or how to talk to him. Hes call me ” MY Princess and MY Angel” again like when we went out, and we arent going out now, and it just made me feel uncomfortable, that he doesnt get it, that I told him Sunday I cannot belong to anyone right now. Those names are too special to just call a friend, in my book anyways, it makes me uncomfortable.

So I do my work out, he comes by and smiles, I smile. No biggie, I knew when I left Id probably be having to talk to him. Its just how its been with us. So of course he came over and stood in front of me. I was into my book and he just stood there, told me I looked cute. I felt like shit.

I said “Can I finish my page?” and he went on his way.

So as I was leaving he headed for the door, and walked me over, took my bag. I showed him the book I was reading. He couldnt really even read the title correctly. His reading is not good.

I practically started to cry and he just hugged me.

I didnt know what to say, I cant do this, too much,

I told him Im dealing with a lot and that Im confused. And he says “I want to see you , I want to be your friend, I want to do silly things and run around to the stores with you” (reciting what I said to him a week or so ago, he does that alot, repeats things to me I said to him) Yet he claims he has poor memory skills and cant remember negative things he has done?

I just need him to back off, I need space. And he starts talking about his diet and how hes eating more carbs and all this crap. And Im like sitting there teary eyed. He will change convos all the sudden like that, Ive noticed this pattern with him.

I said Id call him later, he said okay, and then wanted a kiss, I said no.

Bleh

I didnt want to call him last night. I didnt know what to say. Hes different, hes like a child mentally in some regards. He doesnt understand feelings. Hes very simple, Im very in depth.

I called near 11pm he answered saying “I almost gave up on you, you would have been mad at me I would have ignored you tomm” Im all Huh? And hes all “Well maybe you wouldnt be mad,maybe you would be happy if I ignored you”

So Im telling him I cant deal with all this, its too confusing. I have too much going on. That this friend thing isnt working because I already crossed that line Sunday night. Hes all “Vicky, I want to be your friend, I want to be your lover”

I said “I know and I cant do that, i cant be your lover” and then he says….

“BUT IM GOOD LOOKING”

And I just sat there, and said “Huh? WHats that have to do with it?” Hes all “Im not a bad looking guy”

You know I dont write enough about this, but hes TOTALLY FUCKING VAIN. Im not talking minorly. Hes self professed talks about it, every time Im hugging him, touch his leg, his arm, a affectionate gesture he replys with “Ahh like what ya feel? Im trying to add another inch there,” and stuff like that.

He walks around naked in his apartment, his window blinds are never closed, and he just says “Ahh might as well give people something to look at” He talks about his body all the time, how nice his butt is, how he walks around naked in the guys locker room at the gym, thats hes proud of all his work. Which yes, I can understand, but its a bit much, its like daily, theres no modesty, hes just up front a ass about it at times. Constantly bragging about his body.

Anyways, I was sorta dumbfounded when Im telling him things wont work and he replies with “But Im good looking”

He started to say “I guess Im not good enough for you? Where did I go wrong?” and all in pity and self blame. I just wanted him to stop. I care about him, but hate the low self esteem talk. He just wants to please me, then hes all apologizing for SUnday night? Im all why? Hes all “I could have done more, I didnt give you a massage” Im all “That has nothing to do with it okay?”

So it was an awkward convo, at one point he switched gears and asked me how work was? Then we were back into the heavy stuff. And the call jsut ended, he said “I will hurt more then you will” and said “Have a nice life” and hung up.

It sucked.

I cant juggle all this

I cant deal with someone wanting more then Im able to give right now. I dont need that pressure.

Ex BF and I were talking online, my little one was acting up. And B was telling me about how it was when he was little and his Mom, and in some regards he was saying “Man I was a pain in the ass, I put my mom through some hell, hearing you and what you go through as a single mom helps me to understand her some” He then said “I really should call my Mom and tell her Im sorry for being a pain in the ass as a child”

Well he did go call! I just didnt know as we were online and he said hed be right back, And hour later, he comes back, hed been talking to his Mom. Telling his Mom he was sorry, and his mom laughed, and said she could have done better herself. How she missed him, that hes her son, and hes been “AWAY” too long.

They talked about a bunch of other stuff. But he said when she said “I love you, I miss you, your my son” He said he just lost it and started to cry.

Hes all “Vicky, its like I have hated that woman so much since I was 9 yrs old, I have detested her, I have swore she would take the info on my Dad to her grave, that I would never have a Mom, and its all crumbling before me. Now I have hope, and I am so not used to this, everything I once believed and held is now shattered.”

He was crying.

So Ive just been trying to evaluate myself. In the book so far it talks about three areas, Lack of Self Esteem,Loss of Self, and Lack of Self. And I see I fall under teh LACK of self area.

I also see a lot of FANTASY thinking in my life, relationships, patterns, I have replaced reality with Fantasy of what I wish was there, but isnt.

I did this with Gym Dude, Here I was hurting, wanting something, and then feeling this physical attraction to a man for sometime and then him interested in me, cool around the kids, and thoughtful in some areas, and I thought HERE IT IS!

Instead of neglected getting to know him really, talking, warning signs. I just was careless.

And then had the “Oh my gosh what am I doing???” wake up.

I have been spending much time going over in my head what kind of a life HAVE I WANTED, what have I desired, what is it I really want?

Do I want to just date men?

Do I want to be settled down with one person?

I have just wanted to find a partner, and move back into family and travel, and building a home together, etc, but at the same time ive been afraid of it due to my past ghosts(my ex husband namely)

As much as I want it, ive been sabotaging getting it also.

Making poor choices, poor choices in partners, people who are withdrawn, have issues, instead of working with a person who has the same desires that I wanted, instead I am seeing I have aprt of the issues too, Im afraid to fully commit, so something at a distance feels good and safe also, because it cant hurt me as bad, as bad as the ex husband did.