Free Flowing Late Nite Feelings

Dear Diary,
Do you ever sit up at night and your mind just swims? Heck I dont know, I just know how my mind works.

Right now I just feel like I want answers, spiritual answers, like to be able to ask God “Why is this happening?” and “Is this going to end?” and “What can I do?”

I want the magic scriptures, the ones that make it all better.

When I was away with my husband laying in bed and my mind was worrying I did pray and read a devotional, it just didnt stop, then later I remembered to tell Satan to take a hike, and I did feel peace and was able to go to sleep. I was aware of it that time, but other times I seem to forget certain things.

And I feel I dont have a lot of people to talk to about this stuff, but its always the late night hours, when the insomniacs are up, but what about christian insomniacs. I know the Bible says not to worry, so why is it such a stronghold?

It says not to fear, I do fear, I try my best to have FAITH all will be okay, but I still feel horrible.

I am tired of what is happening to my kids, Im tired of the pain and mental games and craziness from there Father.

I just want to shut him off, make it stop.

Have freedom to give my kids a good life without his screwing with their brains.

Throw in a spattering of Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin and there phone recordings and those can mimic stuff Ive encountered or heard or been emailed or lived with.

These types can be absolutely horrible, but charming and funny and say all the right words in front of everyone. Ive lived that life, I was in the shadow in the back, and when I finally couldnt take it anymore? Then he pointed a finger at me as the problem when I was ready to break free and expose him.

This world is so sick and self centered. I know I am too, Im hearing writing about me me me right?

I like my cell phone and being able to text, but I dont like what cell phones do for teens. I dont like that teens feel out of place if they dont have one. I hate that almost all teens around me have them.

I am the last generation of so much technology, I can remember BEFORE computers and cell phones, but I also remember when they came into the picture.

Sometimes I feel so desperate, desperate for prayers, desperate for help, for someone to come in and save me.

I know GOd is there and He has Saved me.

I just want to be rescued and see and feel it.

God has been good and answered so many prayers. I have seen my list get ticked off, and it is truly amazing, but my most trying and agonizing thorn in my side problem, issue in life is still there. Ive been trying to pray for this person more now. And I dont know if its true but have been told when you try and get close to God or Gods doing something amazing Satan is right there trying to mess it up and stepping up his game. Ive been seriously seeking prayer and asking for prayers from others over this issue.

God has answered prayers without me doing anything, one of my prayers was answered by the very person coming to me asking ME for the very thing I wanted, but never dreamed I get but the request provided the window for me to get my wish granted.

Dear God, how long? Dear God can I ask you “Make it stop now PLEASE!”

Can I say “God it hurts, I hate seeing this over and over, I know you have a purpose in all this, but Im a parent and my children are being harmed, can you please put a stop to this, PLEASE?”

Right now would be an ideal moment to hold my friend L’s hand and just cry and pray and huddle together on the floor. Shes an awesome prayer friend and someone I feel safe to cry around and she has a heart for things and we can be totally open even if it sounds a little goofy or out there.

Im just up tonight and free typing.

One of these days I plan to post again totally freely with an open Diary, I cant wait to have that freedom again