Emotionally Exhausted

Dear Diary,

I feel so like mush right now.

Im so wiped out, my brain, overwhelmed.

Retreating sounds heavenly right now, the idea of running away from life. Not that I will or plan to, but man just to escape all this crap right now would be nice.

I had a big talk with the kids tonight, I had my mom, my big sister and B basically telling me to stop protecting the kids so much, starting telling them things.

And I guess on some level I have kept them so protected from stuff between the ex and I. But its his parenting that is really the big thing.

So I basically had the talk already about the kids not going to stay at Dad’s girlfriends and cant go visit.

Then I told them later on their Dad is driving with a suspended drivers license and why and what he needs to do about it to make it better. And for now they cant ride with him either until he makes that right.

That resulted in a lot of talking from my youngest and my oldest getting quiet and sitting in his bedroom, angrily replying now and then, then shutting his door and not wanting to eat dinner.

Youngest going on a barage of so many topics, First telling me that he wished his Dad wasnt an alcoholic and thats where all his money goes.

Him saying if me and his Dad were together then his Dad wouldnt do all these things, or if his dad got a better girlfriend he wouldnt do these things or if we all went to family therapy.

He then ran and grabbed the phone and wanted to tell his Dad to go pay the child support.

During some of the talk I said “Well your Dad is now saying he has money and will buy you costumes?” He said “No, Dad said the girlfriend will buy our costumes” I was pissed, I said “Dont you think thats messed up? Why is she buying your costumes and not your Dad? She has 2 kids of her own to take care of and Dad is living in her apartment and now she is paying for your things for him?”

Yeah we went over a lot tonight.

Oldest yelled out from the bedroom that I wasnt telling the judge about B, and that we had lots of money. I asked why they thought I had a lot of money and they said cause I take it out of the bank. (They saw me and went with me when I removed my tax refund money for the roof job from the bank)

I explained to them what that money was for and that I had saved it.

They told me their Dads girlfriend made a lot of money but that it was weird she didnt have a house. We talked about how people can have money but not much if they blow it.

I told them I made less then their Father did they know that? And that I manage to meet their basic needs.

I was asked about the marriage, I cried…

Oh but back to oldest yelling about B, I explained to the kids that just because I have B in my life it doesnt free their Father from not taking care of them, that he is not their Dad, and their Dads responsibility is to help take care of them (Their Dad seems to think that cause I have B I have a big income now and that he doesnt have to pay support)

My oldest came out later on, came over and huggged me and cried. I told them I knew this stuff hurt and sucked but they needed to know what is going on.

Youngest said “You know why we like Dad, cause hes fun” I said they didnt have to not love Dad and that its good they have that with him, but that there has to be more then that to being a parent, not just FUN.

Youngest then went on to say to me “I know when we get older we will get into big fights with Dad” I said “Why so?” He said “Because Dad does things we dont like”

And that was just an eerie thing to hear from my 9 yr old, cause I have been saying that for years to people.

See, my ex worked with youth group kids during our marriage and I saw him go off and get angry and hit this one kid, Ive seen him when teens dont do what he thinks, his demeanor change and him become bossy and controlling and to the point where he feels hes so right he looses it with people and goes off.

So Ive said when my boys are teenagers Im sure stuff is gonna happen. Only my boys have a different moral ground my mom says and their Values will conflict.

The rest of the eve youngest was a pain in the behind acting out and oldest was smiling and better and reading his book, youngest fought me and I yelled and walked out to the living room sighing loud, my oldest looked up and smiled and said in a silly tone “Im the quiet one” and I just busted up laughing and kissed him on the forehead and said “Thank goodness, if I had two of you like this Id go bonkers” and we laughed, I went back to youngests room and came up behind him and hugged him and said I LOVE YOUUUUU and he broke out into sobs. I turned him around and asked him what was up, he cried and then finally said “I dont like how Im treated”

And he said cause I yell at him. I told him i didnt like yelling at him either and that I need his help cause he fights me so much.

The whole evening was just a big flipping emotional fest for all involved.

Stuff needed to be said, big talks were had, tears and anger.

And its just hard, I feel bad telling my kids things that make them hurt even though they have to knwo the reality of their Dad, I cant hide it forever and as people have said to me I cant or else I will be the bad guy if I dont let them see what their Dad truly is.

I told them their Dad can fix this and their Dad knows what is going on and what to do about it. And that hes ignored it.

B came home and I said what happened and he was a bit shocked I said so much and asked “Why the change of heart?” and I shared some, he went online, I just was so a mess I went over and hugged him crying.

A lot has been mulling over in my head too, like with B and I. Marriage? I dont want to stay shacked up, about the kids, is he in this with them for the long haul? I mean its just a weird set up cause I dont want to fully bring him into everything if I dont know if we will be together as in marriage. I also said to him “You realize the kids may be here all the time now or for sometime, are you in this for the long haul with me and the kids?”

He said yes to everything, seemed to find it silly I had to ask.

I said “Well I dont know since Marriage is never mentioned or discussed by you, I have no idea where you stand exactly….

And I told him I have a lot of things in my life Im sifting out and dealing and my future with him is one.

I know PMS just adds to my emotional state right now. I am just so tired now. Kids are in bed, I feel bad for yelling at youngest and beat myself over the head for it, yes Im hard on myself at times.

I am so glad I get some time alone tomm, I just need to be around stillness and quiet…

It was just a lot this eve…. it was necessary, but it wasnt fun.