Spiral

Dear Diary,

I couldnt go back to sleep when B got up this AM and left. So I got up as my mind is spinning. Hopefully Ill write and get sleepy again and go back to bed. I didnt go to bed early last night and I dont work today so sleep is really what I should be doing.

I just spiraled last night into upset and anger. I didnt know what to do with it. I was wandering around the house as B was oblivious and playing his video game. So I went out back and threw ice in the dark cursing. Yep the ice tray is empty.

I cried, I stared up at the sky, I stared at the sliding glass door where B was on the other side playing video games and I just wanted to throw ice at the door (but I didnt)

I called D and talked a little. She had her kids and said they were on their way home, I could come over,,, but then said she had to get her kids to bed and how that takes awhile, and I knew I just go over there emotional and sit and watch her kids not want to go to bed and her juggling all 3. No thanks, told her to call me when everyone was settled down.

So I wanted someone to talk to, and I wanted to talk to Gym Buddy but I always feel weird calling cause his wife usually answers and it just feels weird calling some womans husband to talk. Even though I have met her and been out with them both on many occassions and in the past he has told me to just come over when Im having a bad time. So I called, she answered and I asked for him. I told her I was sorry for calling, she said they were heading out to Mexico(they have a vacation place there) I said I was having a meltdown and she said she would have him call me back.

So I talked to him a good long while as he called me back.

Dammit, he basically said they would take me with them to Mexico and Id not have to pay a dime. But they were leaving today and coming home the 26th. I cant be gone that long. Well I really probably could have gone if I didnt have to work, cause I could have probably gotten the kids taken care of since they are gone till the 23rd. But I cant get off work right now, I just started back and Im not gonna even say “Hey excuse me for 2 weeks of work.

Anyways my gym buddy is usually just encouraging. Telling me to stop knocking myself. Im a woman, I love him, emotions are tough, that Im doing a great job, Im an amazing and beautiful woman whos fought hard for everything I have and that hes proud of me.

You know, its scary, but in many ways, he and I are a lot alike on how we view life, the world, all of that.

I would like to think he is what is ideal for me, well how he is, that is, a man like him. But then again I know we dont normally go for people who are much like ourselves. Wed get bored.

Buts its just like he gets me is all, theres not much to explain, cause he “Gets It”

B finally noticed something was up with me and said it looked like I had been crying when I got off the phone. So we ended up sitting on the couch and I said “Dont you just find us weird? We just had all this happen, then we talk, then we go on and act like normal as if it didnt happen?” Hes all “Well you have been tired and in bed all week” ?????

I told him “Yeah so?” Hes all “Well I didnt want to bug you” I just looked at him and said “You know by now I dont have a problem with talking, stop assuming things”

So he said he noticed the bill, for the month. Okay um Hello its like $300 for the dude for the whole month with me splitting the mortgage, utilities and all.

See the thing is, I could charge like $450 or more alone just for renting a room in my house and THEN add half of utilities. Only reason my mortgage is so cheap was the market when I got it. But thats none of B’s doing. He just reaps the benefit of a low payment when he very well knows people in my neighborhood have mortgage payments well over $1100 (At the least!)

So hes got it easy here. So he said “Did you take off half of the washer?”

Oooooo

I said “No did you want me to tack on an amount also for help around the house and with the yards and all?”

He first went through the

“I help”

Okay um since the cleaning talk he did the dishes ONCE (after I was on him for like a WEEK about doing it and had to remind him 3 times that day to do it when he did do it)

Before that it was when I was away on my trip with the kids, he mopped the bathroom floor.

Okay, UMMM, we live in a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house, full size front and backyard.

As far as the lawns. He helped me once, he did half the backyard.

In comparison to me doing front and back each week, rake, clean up, spraying down the patio, gutting out the planter, my mom coming over and repairing all my sprinklers.

You get the idea.

So he said “Well I cant help it if the lawn makes me sick” all pissy (Yes he has allergies)

I said “Well I proposed a solution to you, if you want to be here as an US, you have to contribute in that way, and I said if you could pay a lawn service once a month to come in and mow, weed wack, you wouldnt have too and Id really appreciate the help too”

He says hes not paying for that. I said “Well what do you propose we do about this?” and he basically gets nowhere. I told him this is the stuff I dont get. And I started in on “You have got in made here, you have so many benefits to being here, how do you benefit me?” oooooo that didnt go over well.

So the jidst of our convo and when I asked him what was up in his head and all with us. He said….

1. He feels that he can do what it takes to be here, but his problem is doing it consistently.

2. Hes torn

3. The drug thing he said he wont do it again and that he would take drug testing if thats what I want ( i dont want that)

4. He hates hearing me say that he hurts me, that he wants me to be honest and let him know how I feel and hes not invalidating that, he just said it doesnt make him feel good, that he cares for me, he wants me happy, he thinks Im a great person who he likes and knowing he causes me pain isnt what he wants or what he means to do.

And I basically told him, I realize that, but what else am I to think when I go to him, tell him the very things that are hurtful to me and be honest and up front and say that, and the very things I express he does repeatedly?

Its like at some point cmon?

I also said I dont believe him with his drug explanations and casual use. He wants to debate that one up and down and I keep telling him I DONT CARE. Problem is I see it as wrong and illegal. He thinks its no big deal. And that is the core of it and where it sits.

Hes like “Well Im offerring you a piss test”

I said “That wont matter” i said “Its our core values”

I said about the only thing I would do in regards to this issue is sit with a drug counselor or someone with us to discuss this.

I basically have people telling me that if B doesnt see it as a problem, then thats gonna be difficult. The fact that he cant even say “Hey Im sorry, your a mom, and I respect that and need to get my shit together if I want to be here” is what irks me. Instead I get “I dont see it as a big deal, but I wont do it and Ill take a piss test” well I already heard once before he wouldnt do it, and well? I told him with his behavior, and all the past stuff, his track record is not good with this stuff and I didnt believe him.

And i asked him how he thought that would change? I mean how can I feel good and know hes not lying or getting high when up to this point hes been doing that stuff?

I mean how do you really?

Anyways it was getting late, I was emotionally drained and we went to bed.

I told B “Growing up means pushing yourself, doing things that are comfortable, sure I have times where I want to be irresponsible or have fun, and I do that with a getaway, and why I get silly and jump on a bed, I have the same feelings.”

I told him I was taking a trip this upcoming week, he asked me where and all. Hes all “You need to stop spending so much money” I said “Why?” He said “Well cause you still have to pay off your last trip” I said “Uh uh, and?” Hes all “Whatever, nevermind” I told him “Ill be fine, its my last week before the kids go to school and I wont be able to do something like this for how long?” He agreed and said it could be 6 mos or so till I have a stretch like this.

I said “I will pay it off, Im not sitting home anymore, when I had more $$$ I barely did anything cause I was always afraid to, I could have been doing a lot more, and I am ready to start doing what I enjoy and stop waiting for you to be a part of it.” The money isnt really an issue to me at this point. Life is too short is my thing lately and Im tired of putting stuff on, now im just doing it.

Anyways, Im gonna go crawl back in bed and do some more of those breathing relaxation exercises, lets pray I conk back out…..