Continuation of Yesterday

Well,
As far as the rest of last night goes. I put the kids to bed. I will back track some.

B left to go see his friends on Sunday about 10:30 am and came home about 10pm that night. He called me once on the home and cell phone and I just didnt answer it. He just left messages saying hello, seeing what I was up to and how I was doing. I was in a way upset and didnt want to talk, I didnt want to be available to him always. He called me on his way out leaving his friends and asked if I wanted Starbucks and picked up a drink for me and said that night when he got in “See, I think of you”

I asked him what the guys did, he said they watched football, went out to eat, hung out.

I dont know, I felt weird even before he left this time to go see his friends, his buddy S called earlier that day and I was overhearing the convo. It didnt really reveal much but for some reason it just rubbed me weird, I just felt something was going on.

So he got in that night, brought me coffee and we went to bed, he had the day off Monday from work so he got a day at home alone. I took the kids to school and went to work, and was going to the gym after work. I had asked B friday since hed be home could he pick youngest up at school. Seeing as I have to pay for it and I thought it would be nice since B is never home at that time and I have him on the sign out sheet. Well he just said “We shall see” So I called him during my lunch break around 1pm Monday and mentioned little one and having to leave work to pick him up and drop him at my Moms then go to the gym. He didnt say anything and I just didnt probe further.

See this weekend he told me how he feels hes losing himself, his independence, and also says he feels like an odd man out with the kids and all and how he doesnt have a place to put his things. I was ticked! WHAT?????? We have needed to move an antique piece out of my room and move a dresser in from the garage, Ive brought it up before and he says “Ahh we will get to it, no big deal” So he was playing his computer game, had some Capt Morgans and Coke . I finally sent him a message to his computer about needing his help and we can bring a dresser in, he said to give him a little bit. Well he played for hours. It was 10pm by the time he came in the bedroom, I was watching tv, i reminded him of what he said and hes all Oops. Soooo its just this stuff, he complains about things, I listen and try to help. And I told him about the feeling like an odd man out and picking up kiddo is normal stuff and he can be involved. He said “I didnt even think about it”

He did make us dinner last night. We all sat down to eat. And he got off the computer and said “Your mom doesnt like me on the computer so much, and rightfully so” and he got on the floor and played Stratego for a long while with oldest, and I thought how sweet, how sexy, its just sexy seeing a man cool to your kids.

And then I walked into the bathroom…………………..

And it all was gone, the smell was strong in there. I then walked into the office and found his backpack next to his desk he took to his friends sunday and it it was his “Tin” I opened it and inside there it was.

I was upset, shaking. I told him I wanted to talk to him after the game was over. He was all mellow yesterday and I know why now.

Slow and mellow.

Anyways I wrote what happened in between already. I put the kids to bed, came to the room and asked him if we could talk, he said sure. I said “How am I supposed to teach my kids when you are doing it?” He said “Its not very often” I said once again “How am I supposed to teach them when you think its okay?” he said “I dont think its okay, it was a poor choice on my part”

I told him it was disrespectful, anyone could smell it, what if my mother came over or someone? I told him it DOES NOT help his sex drive, and I said most of all after our discussion Sat night it was a slap in the face. He agreed with what I said, like i said, he was nice and mellow. And I said “And is that what you need to cope?” He said no, he just likes to do it now and then and that he messed up.

I also got on his friends and said this was planned and if hes wanted to hang out with friends and instead he comes home with a stash NO way am I going to be happy when he goes to see them and I told him to take a look at his friends lives. And I asked who he got it from, he said S. His old work out buddy. I told him he planned this, he said NO. I said “Dont you even bullshit me, you took your backpack and tin to put it in” He just sat there.

I asked him why doesnt he just go move close to work, get a guy roomate, get high, and not deal with any of this? Why is he here, it doesnt make sense to me when he complains. He said “Because I love you and I want to be here”

He said the stuff was out of the house and disposed of(while I took my bath) He said it wont happen again. I said “How do I know that?” and he said “you dont”

I said I have values that are important to me and family, I want a man who my kids can look up to.

Anyways, we just laid there in silence, he pulled me close, gave me a long massage, yada yada, stuff he doesnt normally do except when hes in the doghouse and knows it. I just laid there. And we went to sleep. I didnt get up and hug and kiss him this AM. He kissed my forehead.

Im devastated, my heart is crushed to put it simply, or the more appropriate word is IM VERY DISSAPOINTED. And Im just sorta numb also. So many thoughts flood through my mind and actually just wanting to cry. I dont know what Im going to do, I keep thinking in my head to tell him he can stay till the end of the month……… and I dread saying that and being around him knowing hes going and dealing with it and the pain and work and all. I dont know what Im gonna do…..