Little Lost

Dear Diary,

Its about 11pm Sunday eve, Ive been wanting to journal and at the same time I havent been wanting to journal. I write in my head at times and then just get tired of hearing myself.

Wishing I had solutions and answers.

Im doing okay, Im not doing badly at the moment, its just my mental thoughts feel so all over the board at times.

I was so excited when I got my pedicure and the talk with the lady doing it, her hope, enthusiasm, her encouragement, we read books from the same author, she was just saying things that hit right on target for me, we discussed God and man made religion, and she left me a brochure for a weekend event she has attended, and I wanted to go, I was already looking it up and how I could get the $400 to go attend one of these.

She told me I would find direction in my job, with my bf, etc….

I guess I just feel at a loss with myself at times and how I am I want help…

Well I do research this weekend online about this group, and there on a cult site are oodles upon oodles of stories of people who have gone, done it, had their partner or family member take part and all the negative stuff.

I was dissapointed to say the least, having come from my background, listening to so much from Kingdom of the Cults and Walter Martin and being involved in an apologetics ministry way back in my early church days,,,, then to hear this, was saddening.

I brought it up to B, handed him the brochure today, i didnt tell him what I read or anything, he looked at the front and the name and said “Oh dont waste your time with that bullshit” I said “You know about this?” Hes all “Yessss”

I ask how, hes all “Oh lets see, my friend from high school and his parents took this course and so did my teacher/mentor friend”

He talked about it, told me that its like multilevel marketing, they take a bunch of your money, etc etc…

Later on B messaged me, yes we are at home in the same room but message back and forth sometimes while we are on our computers, and he messaged me saying “Your still thinking about it arent you?”

I said it wasnt that I was now wanting to go, it was just that hope that the woman had and me so tired of feeling how I am in my life and wanting to change it”

B kept telling me its a choice, I have choices, I make my own. I can hear that and agree, but then trying to tell me to just “Stop It” and not feel or think a certain way is difficult.

Its hard to explain here, I just sat there after a bit and cried, overwhelmed. B was kind, he came into bed and said “I know its hard babe and I think you are doing great”

I hate sounding negative, why cant I just be happy with what I have?

I can feel it for a period and then it passes.

And I feel I just want B to make it better, take care of and console me, and I cant be all needy and way on that other end.

Just whats up with me?

Im wandering around tonight thinking can I stay with him? When hes been very good. Sure there are faults and things but overall hes a good guy. Hes good to me and the kids.

And I just want more.

I want him to touch me more and want me and want to be more affectionate, and on and on. We already had a talk about more sex and all that, and hes trying, and I just want more,

I dont want to go to work. I just want to stop working all together,,,, but then what?